Bad Men, Good Men

With all the changes of the last year, I am in a strange place in my life right now where I am calling into question even my most closely held concepts. The biggest one I am facing down at the moment is my view of myself. And since I cover that frequently here, I will instead look at the one that has me nearly as distracted lately; my thinking when it comes to men.

As any adult female, I have put myself out in the fray many times with males. Romantically, professionally and in friendship. I spent my teens and early twenties wandering about naively thinking that no one lied and men wanted what they said; despite numerous experiences that told me differently. (That's the naive part.)

The Bad:

Ten years ago three men stepped into my life. One romantic - Charmer; one professional - Martini; one friend - Ambition. (The names for all men in this post, good or bad, will be changed to protect the innocent and the not so much so.)

Ambition - I had a crush on Ambition, it turned into a raucous friendship and then one day he simply disappeared from my life. I know where he is, but he doesn't care where I am. We didn't have a falling out, he simply decided not to come around anymore.

Martini - We were both at a crossroads when we met. He wanted bigger and better, I wanted anything but what I had. I helped him make his goal a reality and he changed my reality. I was loyal to the very end when, in using bad advice, he decided to cut me out of the circle I had helped create. When I see him now, he tries to be kind. I can only hope, for his sake, that's because he realizes now what a mistake he made.

Charmer - I frequently try to give a short story when it comes to this guy, but honestly he's a long story. But for your sanity, here's a quickie: I met a young, impassioned and driven guy, I fell hard and fast. He had feelings for me as well, but couldn't get past my weight. Rather than wake-up and see how shallow that was, I tried and tried again to win him into a proper relationship. As my depression (which I have mentioned before) grew deeper regarding both this failing situation and life in general; I became shrew and bitter. The whole thing ended in one ridiculous blow-out after another. Despite the time that has passed he weighs heavy on my mind when I am considering any romantic entanglement.

The ensuing years... I have had a few good guy friends, no romantic links of any importance and I have been brutally guarded with everyone of the male species. The only men I have trusted in my life are family.

The Good:

This last year has changed so many things from my pant size to my willingness to take a chance and open up. I have been letting people closer to me again, not just men, everyone. But it's the men that have me everything from intrigued to lost right now, hence the blog.

Caelen - Well, you already know his name. He is innocent and bright and gives me great hope for the future. Every time I think I can't love, I look at him and my heart swells to prove me wrong.

Boss - Best boss I have ever had. He's smart, kind and actually cares. Not just professionally, though he has mentored me greatly and encourages me at every turn, but personally. If things are rough, he wants to help. He is a gift.

Afternoon - Our friendship has been slow growing and it gets better all of the time. He and I both have laundry to air, but never fear telling the truth. It's refreshing.

The old BGF - My best guy friend from high school and I have reconnected and he's just as great as I remember. Maybe even better because he, like me, is clearer on who he is; that makes everyone better.

College - I haven't known him that long, but he's wise beyond his age. He's quickly become a friend and sounding board. If he were ten years older, he would be quite dateable. ;)

Walking club guys - My walking club only has two regular members - two guys. I didn't see that coming. But these two men have become great friends. We are able to spend thirty minutes, two days a week, venting about work or life; it's nice.

Renaissance - We met because I was nosey and then met again by coincidence the next day. We've struck up a nice friendship. He is smart, funny, talented, sweet and has a killer smile. Life can be a nice surprise.

The other guys - there are a number of other guys at work or regular friends who have been great as well, but these are the highlights. And of course the men in my family are wonderfully supportive.

I have read back over this now and I believe I have made the point I thought I would. The quality of men in my life has improved. Not because I have lost weight, but because I have improved. My sense of other people in general has improved.

I used to frequently utter the phrase, "I hate men". I know now that wasn't accurate, I love men, always have. I just didn't like what I allowed them to do to me. That won't happen again because, I like me too much.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 163 pounds