A Long Walk with the Demon Inside

I took a LONG walk last night. Nearly four miles. I haven't walked that far in years. Part way through I wondered if it would burn me on the idea of walking, on working out. I have "hit it hard" in the past and regretted it the next day, sometimes that same night. It usually put me into a tail spin, my soreness or fatigue has been a great 'reason' not to do it again.

I tried to concentrate on the music in my ears, throbbing to overcome my doubts and rush hour traffic whizzing by. But no amount of Rihanna thumping "Pon de Replay" was cutting it. Your internal voice is always louder.

I could hear it working away, piece by piece. "This is going to hurt in the morning." "I think you are getting a blister." "That guy is staring, but not in a good way." "Feeling self-conscious huh? Maybe you should wear a sign that says, 'I have lost weight, no really'." "You could give up and call the roomie when you get to work." "Aren't you too thirsty to go on?" "I think you have to pee." Ah hell, "the voice" will try anything.

I have been trying to put a face on my negative voice today, I want to know who I am fighting. I thought maybe it was someone else, an ex who could never get past my weight or that heinous high school gym teacher we all had who would make you try to climb the rope and then snicker. Instead I have to admit, she looks like me, albeit done up a little on the "Bewitched" side of things. You know, I am Samantha, she is Sabrina. (Okay, I tried to find pics for an example, but there apparently are none and that is a little sad.)

Basically, to close the culture gap, Samantha was the good witch. Sabrina was the "bad" witch, always looking for an angle, she quantified temptation. Samantha was blond, Sabrina had black hair - because you know about those girls.

So, picture it, a 5'4", morbidly obese, pasty skinned, black haired, too much make-up, living breathing example of sloth. She is also happily wallowing atop a 10 foot tall wall of gourmet cupcakes. In one hand is the TV remote, in the other, a book full of highlighted excuses that have worked to take me off a healthy path before. She is sinister and yet, welcoming and reassuring, like any good devil. She and her cupcakes can make it all better. I have named her Luci, short for Lucifer, she is my personal demon.

I feel better now that I can pick her out in a crowd.

I also felt better after my walk last night. So ha! Despite Luci's best efforts to derail me, I walked hard and fast and far. I once again felt empowered, a word I am getting intimate with and that thrills me. This morning I was still great, so double ha! I think Luci is in for a tough time. {Insert evil laugh here...}

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 183 pounds - Yes, I lost 2 more pounds.