When I get ready in the morning I look in the bathroom mirror to make sure my hair has not run amok. When I get dressed in the morning, I glance at the full-length mirror in my room to be sure I am not horribly disheveled. Yesterday I was clothes shopping and looked in the mirror and finally saw me - all of me.
I had caught a glance of myself on TV the other night after the Fight for Air Climb. I instantly recognized my shapeless body with the blue shirt. It made me a bit queasy. But yesterday in nothing but bra and panties I looked again. I was a bit shocked.
You look a certain way in your mind's eye. As you gain weight you let that picture gain weight too - just not nearly at the same rate as reality. I had the same problem as I lost weight. In my head I was bigger than the body in the mirror. Even at my lowest weight, I was 'fat'. I'd like to be that 'fat' again.
As I sat on the bench in the dressing room last night I stared in disbelief and sadness. When did this happen? When did I stop caring enough to do something? When will I fully embrace change and do something again? Or maybe I am doing something right now.
Yours in health,
Kate
Showing posts with label obese. Show all posts
Showing posts with label obese. Show all posts
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Old Junk and New Resolve
Yesterday it looked like Donutland and a candy store exploded on the break room table. I gave in to all of my worst urges and ate plenty of it. However, it was with full knowledge that tomorrow is H-Day - Health Day.
It's back to best practices - 1. Eat better. 2. Exercise. 3. Think positively.
The breakdown:
1. I will have Lori's support and with the whole family doing the Biggest Loser contest, I will have help there too. Plus, I have been pretty public with this contest at work - I am hoping people will call me on it if they see me grazing at that evil back table.
2. I am going to start back up slowly at home. Once I have committed and done it on my own for a couple of weeks, I am going back to the gym. I am also adding trainer Traci back into the mix. With my knee being the way it is, I am struggling with what to do. I know swimming is an option, but it is also a pain in the butt. I tried getting a cap to keep my hair dry, but it doesn't work. I will just have to suck it up at some point or just swim on weekends when I have more time to get cleaned up. Another big problem I face there is I have grown out of my swim suit, so that may wait.
If anyone has cardio ideas that don't involve using my knee or getting wet, let me know.
3. This is the one I struggled with, even when I was in full-on healthy mode. Once you have been obese, you always feel like the fat girl. When you stagnate in the weight loss process, you beat yourself up. If you falter and overeat or, in my case, binge - you mentally tailspin. When I got near my goal weight, that finally slowed. But as my weight has skyrocketed, the mean words have come streaming back in.
I need to return the phrases - "I can do this", "That's great", "Wow" and "Good for me" to my arsenal of self-talk. It's funny, in every other area of my life I brag of being stubborn. I can make people crazy at times as I attempt things because I can. I have recently taken to reassuring family and friends that even if I have cancer, "I am too stubborn to go anywhere" - as in, I have no intention of dying.
I should be just as stubborn in this effort. Because obesity is just as life threatening as cancer, it just takes longer to kill you.
So, here goes. I will do this. I will be stubborn. I will win. I am resolved.
Resolutely yours, Kate
It's back to best practices - 1. Eat better. 2. Exercise. 3. Think positively.
The breakdown:
1. I will have Lori's support and with the whole family doing the Biggest Loser contest, I will have help there too. Plus, I have been pretty public with this contest at work - I am hoping people will call me on it if they see me grazing at that evil back table.
2. I am going to start back up slowly at home. Once I have committed and done it on my own for a couple of weeks, I am going back to the gym. I am also adding trainer Traci back into the mix. With my knee being the way it is, I am struggling with what to do. I know swimming is an option, but it is also a pain in the butt. I tried getting a cap to keep my hair dry, but it doesn't work. I will just have to suck it up at some point or just swim on weekends when I have more time to get cleaned up. Another big problem I face there is I have grown out of my swim suit, so that may wait.
If anyone has cardio ideas that don't involve using my knee or getting wet, let me know.
3. This is the one I struggled with, even when I was in full-on healthy mode. Once you have been obese, you always feel like the fat girl. When you stagnate in the weight loss process, you beat yourself up. If you falter and overeat or, in my case, binge - you mentally tailspin. When I got near my goal weight, that finally slowed. But as my weight has skyrocketed, the mean words have come streaming back in.
I need to return the phrases - "I can do this", "That's great", "Wow" and "Good for me" to my arsenal of self-talk. It's funny, in every other area of my life I brag of being stubborn. I can make people crazy at times as I attempt things because I can. I have recently taken to reassuring family and friends that even if I have cancer, "I am too stubborn to go anywhere" - as in, I have no intention of dying.
I should be just as stubborn in this effort. Because obesity is just as life threatening as cancer, it just takes longer to kill you.
So, here goes. I will do this. I will be stubborn. I will win. I am resolved.
Resolutely yours, Kate
Thursday, May 17, 2007
A Long Walk with the Demon Inside
I took a LONG walk last night. Nearly four miles. I haven't walked that far in years. Part way through I wondered if it would burn me on the idea of walking, on working out. I have "hit it hard" in the past and regretted it the next day, sometimes that same night. It usually put me into a tail spin, my soreness or fatigue has been a great 'reason' not to do it again.
I tried to concentrate on the music in my ears, throbbing to overcome my doubts and rush hour traffic whizzing by. But no amount of Rihanna thumping "Pon de Replay" was cutting it. Your internal voice is always louder.
I could hear it working away, piece by piece. "This is going to hurt in the morning." "I think you are getting a blister." "That guy is staring, but not in a good way." "Feeling self-conscious huh? Maybe you should wear a sign that says, 'I have lost weight, no really'." "You could give up and call the roomie when you get to work." "Aren't you too thirsty to go on?" "I think you have to pee." Ah hell, "the voice" will try anything.
I have been trying to put a face on my negative voice today, I want to know who I am fighting. I thought maybe it was someone else, an ex who could never get past my weight or that heinous high school gym teacher we all had who would make you try to climb the rope and then snicker. Instead I have to admit, she looks like me, albeit done up a little on the "Bewitched" side of things. You know, I am Samantha, she is Sabrina. (Okay, I tried to find pics for an example, but there apparently are none and that is a little sad.)
Basically, to close the culture gap, Samantha was the good witch. Sabrina was the "bad" witch, always looking for an angle, she quantified temptation. Samantha was blond, Sabrina had black hair - because you know about those girls.
So, picture it, a 5'4", morbidly obese, pasty skinned, black haired, too much make-up, living breathing example of sloth. She is also happily wallowing atop a 10 foot tall wall of gourmet cupcakes. In one hand is the TV remote, in the other, a book full of highlighted excuses that have worked to take me off a healthy path before. She is sinister and yet, welcoming and reassuring, like any good devil. She and her cupcakes can make it all better. I have named her Luci, short for Lucifer, she is my personal demon.
I feel better now that I can pick her out in a crowd.
I also felt better after my walk last night. So ha! Despite Luci's best efforts to derail me, I walked hard and fast and far. I once again felt empowered, a word I am getting intimate with and that thrills me. This morning I was still great, so double ha! I think Luci is in for a tough time. {Insert evil laugh here...}
Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 183 pounds - Yes, I lost 2 more pounds.
I tried to concentrate on the music in my ears, throbbing to overcome my doubts and rush hour traffic whizzing by. But no amount of Rihanna thumping "Pon de Replay" was cutting it. Your internal voice is always louder.
I could hear it working away, piece by piece. "This is going to hurt in the morning." "I think you are getting a blister." "That guy is staring, but not in a good way." "Feeling self-conscious huh? Maybe you should wear a sign that says, 'I have lost weight, no really'." "You could give up and call the roomie when you get to work." "Aren't you too thirsty to go on?" "I think you have to pee." Ah hell, "the voice" will try anything.
I have been trying to put a face on my negative voice today, I want to know who I am fighting. I thought maybe it was someone else, an ex who could never get past my weight or that heinous high school gym teacher we all had who would make you try to climb the rope and then snicker. Instead I have to admit, she looks like me, albeit done up a little on the "Bewitched" side of things. You know, I am Samantha, she is Sabrina. (Okay, I tried to find pics for an example, but there apparently are none and that is a little sad.)
Basically, to close the culture gap, Samantha was the good witch. Sabrina was the "bad" witch, always looking for an angle, she quantified temptation. Samantha was blond, Sabrina had black hair - because you know about those girls.
So, picture it, a 5'4", morbidly obese, pasty skinned, black haired, too much make-up, living breathing example of sloth. She is also happily wallowing atop a 10 foot tall wall of gourmet cupcakes. In one hand is the TV remote, in the other, a book full of highlighted excuses that have worked to take me off a healthy path before. She is sinister and yet, welcoming and reassuring, like any good devil. She and her cupcakes can make it all better. I have named her Luci, short for Lucifer, she is my personal demon.
I feel better now that I can pick her out in a crowd.
I also felt better after my walk last night. So ha! Despite Luci's best efforts to derail me, I walked hard and fast and far. I once again felt empowered, a word I am getting intimate with and that thrills me. This morning I was still great, so double ha! I think Luci is in for a tough time. {Insert evil laugh here...}
Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 183 pounds - Yes, I lost 2 more pounds.
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