Hiding in Plain Sight

I'm not sure what, specifically, set off this latest round of self-destructive behaviour. But I seem to have gone beyond simple gluttony to self-loathing.

I met with my counselor lat week for the first time since the beginning of the year and admitted things I had on been suspecting. I'm really angry with myself. I have officially gained back half of what I had lost.

I am a bad example to everyone, including myself. They say you cannot unlearn things, but I have been giving it my best.

So, because I am not exactly upbeat right now and I need to reset everything (and not just say I am). I am putting my blogging for this site on a sort-of hiatus.

If I truly have a break-through or really go back down the road where I need to be, I will post. For now I just feel like I am a drag and downer, who wants to read that?

Thank you to everyone who has been supportive. I will be back when I can be that way again for myself.

Yours in appreciation, Kate

Keeping up the pace

My workouts have come to a screeching halt again. My schedule is out of hand.

I hope to get things more under control in the coming week.

Good night, Kate

Fierce Headaches

I am on a piss-poor roll with wicked headaches. I am currently battling one of the worst in a while. I would love to say "I have no idea why", but that would be b.s. It's stress.

Sadly every time things feel like they have piled on my head begins to pound. Right now I don't know whether to puke or cry.

And on that note, I am going to try to go home.

-Kate

Food is Everywhere

The day started fine - banana, oatmeal, coffee.

Lunch hit at Workplace of the Week for KIOA, the downhill slide began. Pizza, lots of gooey, yummy Boston's Gourmet pizza. Then Starbuck's with sugar and a cookie.

I am leaving in a few minutes to run home and then go out to dinner for Gordon's birthday at Famous Dave's.

It's official - this is an off day.

Oh, and no workout - too busy, imagine that.

Yours in (um, well) "health", Kate

Long Day

No workout today. Started work at 5 a.m. Took a two hour break to go to doctor and eat lunch from noon-2 p.m. Just leaving work now.

I am tired and trying to find my footing in getting my life back. I have let it swan out before me in 10-12 hour days for months, there's only so long that can stand.

For now, I will settle for finding dinner, my cats and my couch.

Yours in health, Kate

On a tear

I was scary yard work and house work girl today. The latter may still have Lori in shock.

I am laying in bed blogging because I forgot and I have to be at work uber early.

I am quite tired, but quite accomplished. Still much to be done, but love that I am doing it.

Good night, Kate

My Yard as My Gym

Today I did battle again with the bushes that had over run the front of my house. With an improved choice of weapon, I came out the victor. FYI - loppers are the tool to take down bushes that have grown to over 5 feet tall and 30 feet wide, not hedge clippers, they will die.

Working in the yard is not only good for my physical health, but my mental health. When I cracked those sticks with the loppers, I used agression, pain and forethought. I made those bushes that were hiding my house pay for being intrusive. And I made them pay for everything else anyone had done to me this week.

I let go though yard work. Tomorrow I hope to get off early from work and do it again. In fact, I hope to spend the entire summer letting go through grooming my little corner of the world.

Yours in health, Kate

Feeling better

I have been able to get sleep the last couple of nights, that has really helped. It's amazing what slowly making your way exhaustion can do. I hope to continue to sleep and finally get all the way to being happy and awake.

I have been able to workout too. That definitely has helped as well.

I think I may also be completely kicking this bug as well.

Whatever the reason, I am feeling better and that is so welcome.

Yours in health, Kate

Looking at the Bottom

Yesterday hurt a lot. Mentally, physically, emotionally. It all felt like too much.

Exhaustion, anger, depression. All effects of my life out of control.

Too much work, which I can't change because everyone is working hard - we all need our jobs.

The cracked heart that I have only just admitted I have.

The lack of a life.

My depression sneaking back in.

My health sliding.

I realized this afternoon, I don't have control over some of this. But I do have control over the last two. Gratefully I was on the treadmill when I came to this conclusion. And I had already called about a counseling appointment.

The nice thing now is that when I get near bottom I recognize it.

Yours in health, Kate

Tripping toward my wits end

I am exhausted. I never had a chance to recover from the weekend and now I have just put in another 10 hour day. I would sleep in tomorrow but I have to deal with a situation first thing.

I am so frustrated and tired I just want to cry.

I want to eat and sleep and do absolutely nothing.

I am on the edge of, ah crap, I have no idea what.

I am hoping to go to bed early and wake up with a fresh perspective.

I just keep repeating, "I am grateful for what I have and will not dwell on what I don't". Hopefully soon I will believe it.

Yours, Kate

The Ubiquitous Kate Garner

I am punch drunk. After several days, hell weeks, of being everywhere all the time, I am crisp like microwave bacon. Then about half an hour ago, while finishing up a project at work, I accidentally nicknamed myself.

I love my vocabulary, despite the fact that people make fun of me for it. I like big words, knowing their meaning and when to use them. But you know that you've gone beyond tired when the first thing that pops into your head when someone says, 'gee you're everywhere', is ubiquitous.

To quote directly from Webster's dictionary - UbiquitousU*biq"ui*tous\, a. [See Ubiquity.] Existing or being everywhere, or in all places, at the same time; omnipresent. -- U*biq"ui*tous*ly, adv.

Sadly, I can't even deny it and be all 'no, it just seems that way'. I really am and it's starting to wear thin.

I do not want to complain, I am happy to have my job. Most days I enjoy my job. And even on days like, well I was going to say today, but I will have to be clearer - 24 hour passages - like this one, I am grateful.

But even the listeners are noticing. One called Friday to the front desk and asked if the guy who used to do nights on KIOA was coming back. Kathy told him no. He said that was o.k., he liked me, but it seemed like I was everywhere. Tonight (last night) when I was filling on the STAR 102.5 70's show, I had a listener call and say it was great to hear me, but wow, how many stations am I on? He had heard me on KIOA, Lite and Star all within 24 hours and was a little confused. Join the club.

My whole goal these days when I walk into a studio is to not screw up and say the wrong call letters. LOL.

And to add to my punch-drunk amusement in this situation? As I came to my desk to type this, I realized the clocks had corrected. It's now 3 o'clock in the morning, not 2. Despite having reminded people all night to set their clocks ahead, i tiredly forgot that would mean I would lose an hour of sleep I probably wasn't getting anyway.

Plus, I had a migraine this afternoon and a good part of tonight. Whine.

The gym and I seem to have been separated by work and fate this weekend and that thought makes me even more tired.

Yours in exhaustion, Kate

Blogging while doing crunches

So, I put in a really hard workout this morning. But the day was hella stressful, so I ended up stuffing chocolate and a couple of hush puppies -bad habits, old habits.

Anyway, now I have time to blog but also feel like I need to burn a few calories. So with my handy new phone with full qwerty keyboard, am actually attempting to type while I crunch and do leg lifts. Now this is multitasking.

However, I do not recommed doing this while on a treadmill or other cardio machine. It's a recipe for falling in front of the hottie at the free-weights.

Yours in health, Kate

I really wish I had more time

Everyone thinks this. Whether it is to spend time with family, have fun or exercise, like me - we all want more time.

My days roll over me like heavy equipment, by the time I leave work I am spent. Today I stepped away for 45 minutes. I started to feel guilty. Afterward I felt better.

Not about taking time away, I am working on that. But about me. Better physically, mentally and my stress level, better.

I needed that - a reminder that you can't create time, but you can make the most of what you have.

Yours in (mental) health, Kate

Making my trainer crazy

Well, anyone who knows me knows I am stubborn. I am not easily lead. Acting on impulse may happen with my heart, but other matters get researched. In fact, my research skills are one of the things that keep me employed.

So yesterday when I sat down to talk food and supplements I wasn't the easiest sale she had ever had. I understand the importance of a good multi-vitamin, but get beyond putting an anti-oxident in a pill and I lose interest. I just don't believe there is such a thing as a 'fat-burner'. The only true fat burner I know of involves eating right and exercising.

All of that said, I will try their multi and anti. Anything reasonable gets one try. Beyond that, it will take more research.

Yours in health, Kate

I've been sick

I'm still recovering from having been sick for over a week. I have a double ear infection, sinus infection and bronchitis. Some of those may be misspelled, I am blogging on my phone from Starbuck's while Lori is pumping iron.

I haven't been to the gym since I started getting sick. I am so tired. I think it was a combination of long work hours, not being over my last illness and a new gym that lead me to get really sick this time.

I am going back to the gym tomorrow and working again with my trainer. I fully admit I have been eating poorly while I have been sick. I crave carbs and junk. Which is not good because you dont't recover as well.

Anyway, I should go get Lori and head to my mom's.

Yours in health, Kate