I was traveling along just fine and then, BAM! Something went wrong at work. Then I made the mistake of looking through all of the pictures on the KIOA website - I look fat and sickly/pale. It shattered the image I have created of myself in my head.
I picture a happy, healthy woman. What I saw was a badly dressed, kinda dumpy, scary looking aberration. A half formed version of the self I hoped to be. It drove me to the floor mentally.
I wanted to throw up.
I wanted to scream.
I wanted to cry.
I wanted to curl up in a ball.
I wanted to eat a giant chocolate bar.
I wanted to go home and get on the couch and not move.
I wanted to let go and hold on.
I wanted anything but what was happening in my head.
I went for a walk with Joe and Chandler, AKA - the walking club. I felt better afterward. Exercise helps. But if it hadn't been for Chandler suggesting the skywalk, I would have bagged due to the weather. I wouldn't have felt any better and chances are I would have gone home found my way to several of the suggested options above.
I will say this - I am not a vain person, but for the first time in my life my appearance matters. That is unfamiliar territory for me. I am going to have to be more careful about what I wear. I am going to have to consider the hair situation. I may even need to cave and wear make-up. None of this makes me happy.
I like to be my true self, my authentic self. I know for a fact that woman doesn't 'doll-up' for anyone. Yet, maybe I don't get to be that woman any more.
Yours in (mental) health, Kate
Here is an example from the website:
It's seriously painful to look at.
Two things. First, you're not fat/dumpy/pale. I generally hate pictures of myself. I look in the mirror and think I look normal and then pictures are always awful. Second, I wish it wasn't so, but I really feel like hair/wardrobe/makeup do make a difference in how we feel. I hate that I feel like I have to go to the effort but I want to feel prettier. I at least try to use products that are good for me in some ways so I don't feel as shallow. Bare Minerals really does make my skin feel better. And since I have to wear sunscreen and lip balm anyway, I may as well use tinted ones.
ReplyDeleteYou know- I always hate looking at pictures of myself. (Must be an Aries thing) It gives me the opportunity to focus in one the things I don't like about myself. And they a just a split second in time and don't reflect how I feel about myself.
ReplyDeleteAnd as far as the whole hair/makeup stuff- it may make a little difference in how you feel- but if you don't feel comfortable with yourself and proud of yourself and who you are- no lipstick is going to make that huge of a difference.
Remember on how far you've come & focus on being comfortable in your own skin- bien dans sa peau.
And speaking of someone who can wear your pants- please knock it off with the "fat" label girl!
Thank you ladies, as always, you are there for me. I wore make-up to yesterday's workplace and look better in the picture. I just need to remember I have to make an effort when making an appearance.
ReplyDeleteI am fully out out of my funk now, as I had a very nice afternoon yesterday.