Emotional Eating

My stomach is growling right now. It's trying to convince me that I need to eat whatever I can get my hands on. The truth is, I got the wind knocked out of me by someone today and my mind wants to numb itself by consuming something bad.

The person told me a bit of news while I was getting ready for dinner. I knew the situation was coming, but I didn't expect it to happen for another month; that's the part that left me shaken. I fixed my plate, kept my portions small and ate slowly to ward off what I knew was rising inside me.

But when I had finished my food, I made the mistake of passing on a message from someone and giving my opinion about it. The person made it clear my views were unwelcome and that in fact they, along with my involvement in the situation, would be frowned upon in the future. It felt like I had been punched in the gut.

I know I can be pushy and this person was in fact right, I was trying to get my way. But I have been involved with this project from day one and it's going to be hard to let go. Especially to the extent that was inferred today.

Then I was handed dessert.

I ate three bites and gave the rest to Gordon.

Every part of me was screaming to finish it and grab the extra one in the fridge. This afternoon I am actively fighting that old behaviour. I had my carrots and in a few minutes I will have the other part of my planned snack, but that's it.

I have to prove I can do this, even when I feel like crap.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 166 pounds

Starbucks Flavored Running Shoes

LOL. That's me laughing at myself.

I was going to "make-up" that workout last night. That was until, at 9:45 yesterday morning, I knocked over my Venti Americano with an extra shot, skim milk, sugar-free cinnamon dolce syrup and Splenda, all over myself and Starbucks. Yes, ordering that is a great workout for my mouth.

The coffee didn't just spill, it exploded as it hit the table top. I dove to try and keep it from spilling on Caelen, his socks caught a little spatter but that was it (thank god), so I took the brunt. It went right down my legs and poured into my shoes - my workout shoes. A lot of the coffee was caught in my wicking running socks, but the shoes were still pretty wet.

When I got home to change I called Fitness Sports to ask how to clean them. He informed me I could wash them, but be prepared for a two day drying process, because heat is the enemy - they would shrink.

I sat and stared at the shoes as mega-kitten Mischa licked them, apparently he's a Starbucks fan as well. After my deep guilt the other night from not working out, I couldn't take the idea of going two days without sweating. Finally, I picked them up and took them to the car, the plan was they could drive around with Caelen and I until I made a decision.

Late in the afternoon I dropped the boy with his momma and went to move the shoes to get something, they were dry. LOL. They smelled like caffeine, but they were dry. And that's enough for me. And you guessed it, I ran in them this morning. The bonus is, no one has commented anything like, "do you smell coffee?"

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 166 pounds

PS - A BIG THANK YOU to the gal at my favorite Starbucks at 10th & Locust. She didn't bat an eyelash at the disaster I created. AND she got me a new drink, no charge. I believe in buying local, but their staff keeps me coming back.

Back on the Road

After my unscheduled day off yesterday, I was back at it today. And I was well hydrated. I drank all afternoon, because it was in the 90's outside and so humid it felt like I was breathing soup again.

This was noticed even more markedly as my run was fast, out of necessecity.

I had agreed to the honor of being the witness for Casey and Annette's marriage license, so I needed to meet them at the Polk County Admin building at 4. I planned my work day around it and at 3:20 I started wrapping things up and getting ready to go change for my run. The run that would take me to the admin building to sign my name. Well, as I was headed for the bathroom, a woman at work who needed to talk stopped me. She has been having a rough time and I didn't want to seem uncaring, so I took a few minutes to listen. Time started to slip and I finally looked at my watch, apologized and headed for the bathroom.

I swapped clothes and went to drop my bag at the desk. I grabbed my headset and went for the door. Oh wait, the battery is dead. I quickly dispensed of it in my bag and literally ran for the door. That's because it was 3:45.

Now, I am still not running straight through a mile, though I am getting closer. I figure I am going to be cutting it very short because the run/walk combo I usually invoke takes me about 13.5 minutes for a mile. One problem, I really don't want to roll up with just a minute to go. So I ran.

I ran - hard. I briefly fell into a hard walk three times, but otherwise I ran. I was in such a hurry I was sure I would slide out in front of a bus. I ended up with an 11 minute mile. I could barely breathe at the end and was sweating like a moose, but by god I was on time.

And the three of us were able to get the license taken care of wihtout a hitch. Unless you count Annette twisting her ankle. It looked really painful, but she did her best to smile through it. I am hoping she is at home with it on ice right now. (hint, hint)

As for me, I finished my workout with a run/walk back to work. Met with walking club for another couple of miles. Came home, ate a healthy dinner and am now going to bed after a 18 hour day. (That way I can be ready for tomorrow's 18-20 hour day.)

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 166 pounds

Intense Guilt

Tonight I took my first non-scheduled night off from working out in a long time.

My friend Marianne was unable to join me as we had planned. I called Gordon hoping he would be available to join me, he was working. And he said I should take the night off because I sounded tired and my dehydration incident may have affected me more than I realized.

I sat at Jordan Creek Town Center (where I had gone to meet Marianne) and I debated.

I didn't really want to workout, I am tired and I have to work at 4 a.m. But I should workout, no matter how tired I think I am. I walked around some more and called Lori. She had talked about going to the gym and I thought, well, if she is, I will buy a day pass and workout inside. That would lessen my chance of ending up sick again. She was wiped out from a very busy day at Penzey's.

Well, that was it. I decided to give up and head to the store for veggies and home for dinner. That's where I am now. And I am about 15 minutes away from bed.

Gordon told me not to chastise myself, a day off now and then was o.k. I know he is right. But I tried on a couple of dresses for Annette's bachelorette party today and was reminded, by the undressed body in the mirror, how far I have to go.

On the way to the grocery store I felt sick to my stomach from guilt because I didn't workout. I have never felt that way about exercise before. I'm not entirely clear if that's good because it has become a part of me or if it's sick because I shouldn't be obsessed.

Either way I will be back at it tomorrow.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 166 pounds

Dehydration, it isn't pretty

I was busy today, apparently far too busy. When I went for my run tonight I paid the price.

It was only 85, but high humidity, so I started sweating almost immediately. I was about a mile and a half in to the run and I started to notice I felt funny. By the end of the second mile, I knew I was in trouble. Thankfully I had kept pretty close to where I had parked my car, so I slowed to a fast walk and made my way back.

By the time I threw myself into the car, I was quite clear on what was wrong, I was dehydrated. The thing is, I have worked out in much hotter weather and worked much harder for that matter and not had a problem. Today though, I had been busy and really slacked off on my water intake. Normally by the time I hit the road I have consumed at least 12 glasses of water, plus I will down another 16-20 ounces about 30-40 minutes before hand.

I looked back over today and if I drank 10 glasses, including the one I took in about an hour before my run, I am lucky. And, I hadn't packed water for after the workout, because I planned to head straight for Panera, where I planned to eat, just two blocks away. Normally not a problem.

Actually, I am lucky. Lucky I didn't pass out or end up even more incoherent than I did or worse yet, wreck my car. That's right, I was so out of it, I came up with the idea of driving down the street to said Panera. I made it safely, got out to stagger in to get water, locked the car, shut the car door and promptly realized the key to that door was sitting inside the change dish in my car.

That's right, I was so far gone, I locked myself out. Upside? I had grabbed my purse and could still buy water and dinner, plus an old water bottle to fill in the sink in the bathroom. (That way I could have some warmer water to start rehydrating more quickly, because I could take in more. Proof that my brain wasn't completely fried.) Downside? I had also locked my cell phone in the car and I had a meeting at 7.

I wandered in, filled the bottle in the bathroom sink, downed it, filled it again. Half way through the second bottle I found my sense of taste and threw out the rest of the West Des Moines tap and headed inside to order my dinner. (And more water.)

But first I figured I had better call for help on the locked car situation. The young lady, who offered kindly to help me with my order, gets my sad tale told to her as I drip sweat on the counter. She is very nice and offers what would become unlimited use of their phone.

My first call, as always, was to Lori. No answer, I left her a message. I tried my mom, she said she didn't think they had an extra key to my car, but I should call my step-dad Bruce. I think I am calling Bruce, but still out of it, I call Gordon. He says he will come get me. But surprisingly, before I agree to this, I realize that will only get me so far, because the house keys are also locked in my car. I promise to call him if I remain stranded. This time I really call Bruce and he informs me, no shocker, they do not have an extra set of my keys.

Okay, back to Lori, still no answer. I decide to breathe and get more water in me. I head over and another friendly Panera employee helps me get my dinner. (I sweat on his counter too.) I go sit down and plot to use the phone again in 10 minutes to continue my hunt for Lori. While I am eating and drinking God's gift - water - I start freezing from the dehydration and the air conditioning cooling my apparently unstoppable perspiration.

Well - to finish the story quickly - because I could go on as it continues, with more dialing and waiting and sweating.

I found Lori, she brought my extra keys (furthering her application for sainthood), I bought her dinner for her trouble and I was able to make my 7:00 meeting somehow. Another highlight, by the way, Gordon was extra sweet and called Panera to make sure things were getting handled, he's so great.

So, if you needed any other motivation to stay hydrated when losing weight and working out, I hope I have just supplied it. Because believe me, on this end, lesson learned.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 166 pounds (Yes, I lost 2 more!)

PS - I will be making a plethora of extra keys to sprinkle among my family tomorrow.

Demanding Vegetables

So, I thought Lori, the roomie, was going to kill me tonight on the phone.

I eat very little meat. Strike that. I stopped eating red meat about 5 years ago. I eat very little poultry and on occasion (though it should be more often, because it's good for you) fish.

You see as my diet has become more healthy, I have taken to eating an amazing amount of vegetables. In fact, I eat vegetarian at least 5 days a week. One of my fall off days is inevitably Sunday; my mom can't bring herself to not cook meat. I even seem to desire them more than my roomie, the former vegetarian.

Well I log my food, because keeping track of calories, fat, protein, saturated fat, cholesterol and nutrients has been key in my weight loss. I called Lori and asked what veggies we were having with dinner. I knew we were having a small serving of chicken tonight because we discussed it this morning. We are trying a new spice blend from Penzey's Spices - Smoky 4 S - Lori works there, so she has a preview for us, the public will have a chance soon.

Regarding the veggies, I suggested corn on the cob, because it's July in Iowa and it's so good it will curl your toes; she agreed to corn. She then offered up that we had green beans and carrots too. I said great, let's have them all. She just started laughing.

Now this is where I need to note that Lori is already up for saint status for living with me. She has only furthered her cause these last several months as I have been home little and she has been left to do everything. She even willingly cooks amazing meals for me when I do turn up. Without her, I would not be 92 pounds down and counting.

When she started laughing I knew I had gone too far. I was demanding vegetables. I laughed too. She laughed harder and it was getting a bit maniacal. So, I apologized and said I would take what I could get. We are having corn and carrots.

Lori is so patient.

And I am laughing at the absurdity. I have come a long way, no longer am I hoarding chocolate mousse cake, I am demanding vegetables. Ah, the thighs they are a changing.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 168 pounds

Going Public

This blog about my weight loss journey has always been public. But now I am attempting to get more traffic to it because more people want to know how I am winning my challenge of changing my life.

Hopefully this will help and inspire others to make the changes they desire in their lives. Every journey is different, because no two people are alike, but if this can help even one person find their path, I am proud.

Remember: Pass on your passion.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 168 pounds

Priorities

This has been one of those weeks. I worked a lot, I of course had Caelen, my mom had emergency gall bladder surgery (she is doing much better today) and I crammed in workouts where I could fit them. That last note is key in my life right now.

A year ago I would have taken one look at this week and shut down at the very idea of working out. I would have taken the tact that I was obviously too busy and something had to give and it would have been, without exception, my health.

As I have been everywhere, helping everyone I can, people keep saying, "I don't know how you do it..." It's a nice compliment. And the truth is, sometimes I don't know how either. But, I have to try. And I won't let my family commitments go by the wayside, work pays the bill and working out is feeding my soul. So, I don't really see a place to cut and I just keep going.

I have my new priorities and with my workouts, I am finally one of them.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 168 pounds

One Year

I weighed in this morning and I have lost 92 pounds in the last 365 days. I am thrilled and overwhelmed. That two pound loss this last week has pushed me down into the 160's, a place I have not been since the beginning of my senior year in high school in 1988.

I am looking forward to the next phase including continued weight loss, more working out and all of the rewards that come with those things.

I am very tired right now; after a long two days, due to work and family. So I am going to crawl into bed. But I am already looking ahead to tomorrow and planning my next workout.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 168 pounds

I stress ate broccoli

Yes, it's as absurd as it sounds.

In the midst of a very stressful day - one tired almost 4 year old, lots of work and my mom back in the hospital for emergency surgery to remove her gall bladder - I snapped and ate a cup and a half of steamed broccoli. Mind you this was after eating black bean soup and an apple. So clearly I was already full.

I had to tell someone, because it made me laugh my ass off. A year ago I would have been confessing to half a bag of Oreos and a quart of milk.

The silliest part, despite my "binge", I am not over my calories for the day. Plus I put in a killer walk with my friend Marianne, easily canceling the 45 calories and 200 of their friends.

Aah, how things change.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 170 pounds

On the verge

Wednesday is a milestone. I will have been actively attempting to lose weight for 365 days on that day.

I normally weigh in tomorrow, but have decided to put it off until Wednesday. That way I will know exactly how much I have lost, to properly celebrate my anniversary.

Honestly, I am nervous. Nervous that the scale might not have moved from last week (despite my best efforts) and nervous about the future. But the more I analyze those nerves, the more I think it's nervous excitement.

Every day I grow more excited by the possibilities that now exist for me that didn't a year ago. I am pleased that there are more to come.

I'll check in Wednesday with the results.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 170 pounds

I have lost a 10 year old boy

That's what 90 pounds is - a 5th grader. And that is what I have lost in weight in the past 51 weeks. Looking at what I have just typed, I think that is odd; but oddly true.

Next Wednesday is one year.

I am, for the first time in a long time, looking forward to the next year. I now enjoy a freedom I never knew I lost. I love this.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 170 pounds

The Number Two Thing

The number two thing I am asked for on my weight loss journey is a picture. (Number one is a guide on how I have done it, I will post about that later.)

Everyone wants the "before" picture showing me just as morbidly obese as I was at 260. The funny thing is, I have looked and there may not be one. People are all but appalled when I say this. They don't understand why I didn't plan ahead. And there's the funny thing.

I put my plan on paper, for about the 300th time, told myself that this would really take this time and moved forward in earnest to make it happen. But really, I am like any other reformed and relapsed and reformed again fat person, I wasn't sure it would really happen. So, taking a picture was, frankly, the last thing on my mind. Let's be honest, if I hadn't finally made a complete lifestyle change, I would be looking at that picture right now loathing myself.

Instead, I am here posting on my weight loss blog, which, photo or none, would not have been possible without a lot of hard work. Now that's the real picture.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 171 pounds

Happy Independence Day!

(If you live in the U.S.A.) If you don't, perhaps you are celebrating another kind of independence, the kind I am celebrating today. I am becoming free of my self-destructive habits and I love it.

In fact, the last two days have shown some of the great dividends that losing weight can provide. I walked in the West Des Moines parade last night (4 miles) and the Urbandale parade this morning (2.25 miles). This is a particular victory as I have avoided doing parades for the past two years because I was too out of shape to walk them.

In the previous years before that - I averaged 10 a year, with my personal record being 17 in one summer and best 24 hours encompassing 4. This time I had a blast and walked/ran them with such ease I could have walked back to my car if I had needed to.

So, celebrate your freedom today, whether it's from fatty foods, your couch or tyranny, I am.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 171 pounds (Yes! I lost 2 more pounds.)

"I'm tired."

No one can whine like I can, at least internally. Publicly I put on an "I can do anything" face and plod on. But, behind the scenes, I constantly question myself. Tonight was one of those nights.

It was 7:15 p.m. and I was fresh from helping with a problem at work. It was time to finally cram in a brief workout before working some more and then finally getting to go home for dinner. I dressed and headed for the door, but in my head the whining began, "I'm tired", "It's been a long weekend", "You should take an easy walk, you've earned it". The voice is not Luci by the way, she is far more seductive with her ideas on how to stop my downward trend in weight, it usually involves food.

Well, I let the voice linger at the back of my brain and started walking. I was going about 3 miles and hour for the first couple of blocks and then I met up with this couple who was out walking. It seemed to bother them that they had to share the sidewalk, so I decided to speed up and pass them and give them their space.

But they sped up too. And then the competitive side of me kicked in. I threw on the burners and passed them (flew past really) and kept going. Inside the whiner was like, "Okay, you're half a block ahead, that's good, now slow down". LOL. No way, the adrenaline had officially kicked in.

I ended up doing 2 miles in 26 minutes. Sometimes I amuse myself.

But what I really learned is, I have to step out the door, no matter how I feel. My body will take care of the rest.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 173 pounds