It's Birthday Season - Again

My family has four birthday seasons.  Ah, cake.  We have several birthday in March/April, July, August/September and December - that's a lot of cake.

Today we are celebrating my mom's birthday.  I don't know if there will be cake.  Part of me says, "yes, yum, caaaaake..." and then another part of me says, "um, no more sugar please."  Sugar and I haven't been hanging as much lately and when we have, it doesn't really agree with me.  It has been making my tummy ache.  In fact, since the prednisone incident, all food has been a bit of a problem.  Which has a good side - I am eating less.

But back to birthday season...  cake is like anything else in life, anything in moderation (except lard).  Have you noticed though that cake isn't alone in the birthday celebration?  There is usually a meal and, because it's a special occasion, fat must be o.k.  And naturally, more than one group wants to help celebrate this special day, so there's more than one of these eating rituals.

Therefore it's time to dance.  Tripping along the fine line between being festive and being gluttonous.  If you have any good tips on treading lightly, please share, I know EVERYONE, wants to learn a new trick applicable to this holiday and all of the others.

Yours in Health,
Kate

And We're Off!

This last week has been a swirl of activity as we officially launched !ntuition Magazine.  First the issues hit the streets and then the Snow Party was Saturday.  It was a huge success with over 225 people there.  Thank you to everyone who came!  I am keeping it that generic because I was so busy, I didn't really get to see or talk to very many people.  Honestly I wasn't even sure how many came until I talked to some of the guests. :)

A BIG thanks to the Botanical Center for hosting, Christopher's Fine Jewelry for giving us the grand prize necklace and a special thanks to my friend Ric Kerr at Tasteful Dinners.  His homemade cookies, cocoa and lack of fear in roasting marshmallows inside a building made the treats a major highlight.

As to whether I ate any, yes, I tried a bite of each kind of cookie and had a s'more and cup of cocoa.  It was the first sugar feast I had had in two weeks.  I actually didn't eat it all because, though it tasted awesome, it was too much sugar for me.  That is a nice change of pace.

Changing my eating habits is beginning to show in how I feel.  In fact, I didn't sleep well last night, but I am doing o.k. this morning because I have filled up on veggies and lean proteins and those are pure energy.

I had better run now, but I promise I will not go so long without posting again.  Things are hopefully going to even out time wise and I hope that means more 'me' time.

Yours in health,
Kate

Getting Excited

Ever since I decided to look into switching gyms I am getting pumped up again. The very idea of having a place, right down the street, to relieve my stress excites me greatly.

That's one of two main reasons for this weight gain - stress. Whether it's work, love, a cancer scare or life, stress has sent me to cookies time and again. Now, even when I am not stressed, I am back to the point of mindlessly eating.

It makes me crazy when I think what I have done to my body. What the fat, saturated fat, calories, sugar, etc. do is, well it makes me ill to think about it. You would think that would be enough to stop me. But no, I am as stubborn a sugar eater as I am in anything else apparently.

Anyway, my meeting with the gym is at 1 p.m. tomorrow. Hopefully it will be as good a fit financially as it is in proximity. I'll let you know tomorrow.

Yours in transition, Kate

From the beginning... Remember Where You Have Been

As I mentioned, I went to the doctor on Friday. She asked me how I was and I said, "Fat." She grimaced and simply asked, "Why is that?" I confessed that my sugar addiction was kicking my butt, impulse control was nearly non-existent and I seemed to have forgotten what a portion looks like.

She looked up and smiled and said, "Just remember how hard it was to get here." And then we went about our business.

You know, I used to do that all the time. I would think about how hard it used to be to breath, how I couldn't sleep, how I used to overflow chairs. I seemed to have lost sight of that lately. I have stopped looking at obese people and thinking, "I'm not going back". Instead I just look at cookies and think, "I bet that tastes really good".

And you know, it does. That cookie tastes damn good. But...

The body I am letting slowly slip away is better. The wardrobe I am stretching to fit in is nice and at times, sexy. I've not been feeling very sexy these past few weeks - I miss that.

But sexy and self-confidence are simply two sides to the same coin and without the later, I won't get back the former. So, I have to remember where I have been.

I have been morbidly obese, depressed, lonely and pathetic.

I have been thinner, happier, boisterous and sexy.

Now not everyone who is obese is the former, many are the later. But I know I was, so the second option is for me. It's time to put my money where my cookie is and get my butt in gear to make some new memories.

Yours in (mental) health, Kate

From the beginning... Find Your "Other" Thing

After ending up in the hospital at this time last year, I began struggling with my eating again. I was told I was eating too little and had to increase my calories. I was told I was teetering on malnutrition. I was freaked.

First I ate too much, then I ate too little, then I evened out. Then I started flirting with sugar again. Then I started binging on sugar again. Now I am trying to get back into recovery on the whole sugar thing. (The giant piece of ice cream cake for my birthday not withstanding.)

Today I interviewed the woman in charge of the Walk from Obesity, it's the 27th and I am the 'celebrity' speaker. Helping other people is something I am passionate about. Helping people take that first step or stay motivated in their weight loss journey is important to me. That's why I am looking forward to the walk.

But after she left this morning, I felt the snugness of my pants and felt sad. I have let myself go, given in too many times to sugar, eaten away at my pain via cake and cookies. So, as I worked away the 'whys' tugged at me.

I have wondered for some time why it was easier the first year to deal with food than it has been the second year. Today, perhaps, I have come to at least one answer - I lost my 'other' thing.

When you are trying to lose weight, you need something to distract you from food, especially if, like myself, you are a food addict. When boredom sets in or when free time appears or when emotions get heavy - you need something else. I realized that my crash into the emergency room last year was about a month after Caelen went to school full-time and I went to work full-time outside the house again.

When I came up on the other side of being ill and had the food world opened up to me again, I had nothing to distract me. As I settled into a stressful job with too many hours that never took off, I fell back into old patterns. I took to scanning the break-room for free food and sneaking a snack here or there. As the stress rose, so did my calorie count.

If I had still been in the 'Caelen world' I would have had a full-time distraction. Teaching and loving him was my passion and more than enough to keep me from diving into doughnuts. But outside of my home full of healthy food choices and 4-year-old fun, I have been vulnerable to the same temptations as everyone else.

Now I realize I need a new 'other' thing. Work is long and arduous at time, it can't be the other thing. Workouts have become just part of what I do, like bathing, a goal I set for myself a long time ago - so it's definitely not the 'other' thing.

I don't know what it is. But I am going to spend the next few weeks trying to figure it out. In the meantime, I will eat healthier and let finding my 'other' thing, be the other thing.

Yours in health, Kate

"I must have shrunk my pants in the dryer"

LOL. I used to use that line all of the time before I started losing weight. Never mind that the only thing that was shrinking was my supply of sugared treats. This last week I put on one of my workout tank tops and it hugged my middle showing every roll of extra skin and what's that? FAT!

I stepped on the scale and paid attention for the first time in a while. I had been watching it creep up, but the number awaiting me was a call to action - 163. That's what I weighed Sunday morning. That is not o.k. I would loved to have lied to myself and blamed the dryer or 'putting on muscle', but really, where would that get me?

Instead I walked in the kitchen and made a peanut butter/chocolate pound cake. What?! It was for my Mom's birthday, it was actually Tuesday, but we were celebrating it as part of our usual Sunday get-together. It was decadent and damn tasty and it was my last sugar for the sake of sugar moment until my birthday next month.

After realizing I had put on 11 pounds over the 152 I had been maintaining and 15 pounds over my lowest weight, I was disgusted with myself. And before anyone tells me not to be hard on myself, realize this - I know what got me to 260 pounds and I was doing it again. I was eating too much AND to much sugar and fat.

When trainer Traci and I talked about the eating thing on Tuesday she said, "You have to get back to eating healthy foods." I moped with shame and admitted, "I have been eating healthy, I've just been eating junk on top of it. So all of the calories of the fruits veggies, whole grains and lean proteins get combined with the calories of the junk. It means I am simply overeating."

Those words are hard for me to write, but they confirm something I have said all along - I am recovering from obesity, there is no cure. Like alcoholics I sometimes crave a pill that would truly help me stay healthy, but I know it's not really about the food - it's about the behaviour surrounding the food.

The past few months I had become a 'secret eater' again. Fat filled crap doesn't count if you eat it in the car where no one can see you, right? You can have the three cookies if you eat your carrots. If people in the office don't see me down that second piece of birthday cake, they'll still respect me. You see, it's a sickness. It's an addiction.

You find yourself bargaining your way into that bag of 100 calorie chips, it's only 100 calories. But when you add into that the handful of M&Ms you had and the cookie you will have and the treat from Starbuck's that's standing in as your 'second breakfast' and the protein shake you 'should have' after your workout and the two servings of the entree and... And I think you get the point, gluttony is realized.

The other thing I really impress upon people is that being healthy is a lifestyle change. You can't just do it for a while and then go back to what you were doing - that's a diet and diets don't work. No, you have to maintain your healthier habits for life. Yes, you can have sweets once in a while - but it truly has to be rare and controlled. Half the cake when nobody is looking is still half a cake.

So I really was, until a couple of months ago, shrinking my clothes in the dryer. My pants size was between 10 and 12 and I need them snugger. Well, check that off my list, they are definitely snugger. Now, I have to shrink me back into them and I will.

On Monday I cut my calories to about 1,400 a day. The current plan is:

Breakfast: small bowl of high-protein/fiber cereal w/ skim milk
Coffee: skim milk, drizzle of cream, Splenda
Morning snacks: Several small portions of fruit to keep my blood sugar up, if it drops too far, I will be starving at my next meal and prone to over eat
Lunch: Yogurt, fruit, carrots
Afternoon snack: Something high protein and fruit
Dinner: big salad, big bunch of veggies, reasonable entree
Dessert: strawberries with teaspoon+ of vanilla sugar.

I have been lacking energy lately, but by mid-afternoon yesterday my energy was picking back up. Just three days in and I am seeing results in how I feel and I have lost 2 pounds. Amazing what happens when you do what you are supposed to do.

But this time, when I get back down to 148, I am not going to let myself plateau. This time I am going to take my body fat to where I want it to be and then I can look at maintenance. No more of this standing on the edge of the shore, dangling a toe crap, it's time to dive in and finish the race.

Yours in health, Kate

From the beginning... Fat will make you Fat

The past few months I have once again been struggling with sugar. I don't know why I haven't been able to let it go. But every cookie, dense piece of cake and brownie has tempted me to the point of caving. I have spent quality time beating myself up over lacking self-respect. (While stuffing another bite in my face.) It has been self-defeating and just flat negative. But this weekend I had a breakthrough moment.

Fat.

The way I eat these days is low in fat, except for a little olive oil here or nut fat there, almost everything I eat is 6 grams of fat or less. Unless, of course, you count those 'temptations' I mentioned. The average cookie has a minimum of 10 grams of fat - yes, per cookie. Brownie - 20-26. Cake - 25-35. Cheesecake - 35+.

Yes, this label is for ONE! brownie.

While I have been lamenting the sugar, the fat has been piling up. The pathetic thing is that the fat content rarely passed through my mind on my benders. And while we are talking fat - no 'from scratch' baked good worth its sugar is baked without whole eggs and real butter - so bring on the cholesterol too.

Holy crap!

I haven't just been feeding my stress and emotions with the white/brown stuff - I have been damaging my health with flat-out healthy diet contraband! The only saving grace, perhaps, is that I tend to like the locally produced goodies, so no trans fats. However, that doesn't negate the overall affect on one's body. To be blunt - fat with make you fat.

The body feels the need to store that which it doesn't need right now, for a rainy day. Fat is not a quick burn, carbs are, protein can go either way. It's all about your body's make-up and what you are doing around the time you consume your food. While in the end it comes down to the simple equation - calories in needs to be less than calories out - when it comes to losing weight; fat is the last point of interest for the body to burn.

Luckily, the body needs 'X' amount of fat to survive. If we lower our overall fat intake, it will have to burn some of what we have stored to survive. The other way we lose fat is by lowering overall calories - your body will burn fat when it runs out of immediate calorie sources and needs energy.

That is where making sure you are getting enough protein and plant sources come in, your body will seek out what it needs. If you are eating plenty of lean protein and vegetables, it won't bother to go after your muscles or anything else in your body - except fat, for energy.

Obviously, I am writing this to share some fat facts. But honestly I am writing it for me as much as anyone. I needed a reminder of why I don't eat 'treats' anymore, except on rare occasions. There is nothing healthful or body fulfilling in them. They taste good, they give you a temporary high to make you 'feel better', but in the end they are a crutch for people like me.

While I definitely do not believe in ever denying yourself anything - it should be everything in moderation. I 'moderated' myself right into a long term binge. Now it's time to move myself right out. Both my butt and my heart will thank me.

Yours in health, Kate

Finding a new weight loss strategy

Today I begin looking at my food habits, again. I think that, as important as calories and fat are, when I am eating and what I am eating, may have an effect at whether it stays to become fat. I think it is time to once again mix-it-up.

The times of day I struggle the most are in the morning and right at dinner time. With my wacky schedule - up at 2:45 a.m. to work at 4 a.m. and in bed by 8 p.m. at the latest - deciding when to eat has been hard.

In the morning, even with eating a high-fiber, high-protein cereal, I feel ravenous by 6 a.m. Of course, by that time I have been up for over three hours. For most people that might not be a problem, but I have been able to speed up my metabolism via gaining muscle.

That said, it should not be an excuse to eat from 6 a.m. until 9 a.m. continuously. I tend to eat my banana, then a hand full of trail mix, then anything else that isn't nailed down in the break room. I had also picked up a crap habit of using non-dairy, fatty, sugary creamers in my coffee. (I removed that on Thursday and yes, I know better.)

From 9-11 I drink my Starbucks. It's actually one of my more sensible choices. I drink a Venti (large) 1/2 caf, Americano with sugar-free syrup, some Splenda, a 1/4 cup of non-fat milk and a drizzle of half & half. I know it sounds very high-maintenance, but as long as I am paying for coffee, I will get what I want. Nursing that over two hours or more, helps curb my appetite and keeps my hands busy. I now know, I eat when I am bored too.

About 11 I start in on carrots, then at noon some form of protein, followed by a piece of fruit. I try to be out of the office by 1 or so, that way I don't find some kind of junk in the break room to eat. I far too often do for someone who preaches against it.

Once I have worked out, my body needs a snack. I may not be hungry, but if I have just worked my muscles hard, I need to feed them for their recovery. I try to stick to about 100 calories of protein and a piece of fruit.

Then I walk into the apartment, I put my stuff away and begin staring at the kitchen.

I have no idea why.

For the first part of this journey I was able to lock away my demons and make the kitchen my friend again. I was purely eating for utility. I knew my body needed something on board for quick access energy and that's how I kept it. I made it dig deeper for energy when I exercised and that is how I burned off so much fat.

When I am fixing my dinner I begin grazing - a handful of nuts here, a couple of tortilla chips there, then I eat tons of veggies (anything consumed in the kitchen is "free", right?).

Finally I have a sensible dinner. Only problem is, thinking about it now, I have been wandering on my portion control too, mainly at dinner. Then I 'have to have a little something sweet'. Wow, there are seven self-defeating words if I have ever seen them.

In total, a day like above would be 1800-2000 calories. Unless I throw in some extra sugary goodness for some reason, something that has been happening far too often.

So, there you go, complete {ugly} honesty. Now, what to do about it?

My plan:

-Take one meal or snack at a time.
-Plan ahead and do not wander off path from plan.
-Less processed sugar, it has NO dietary value.
-Get back to every meal being extremely veggie heavy.
-Peruse eating plans created by experts that are specifically designed to accomplish what I want. [I have a copy of the "Abs Diet" sitting at home collecting dust, time to at least read it.]
-Follow the good examples other people are setting and remember, I taught some of them to eat that way.
-Talk down that evil wench, Luci. She's not the one who gains fat when I overeat - I am!
-Measure everything again. Eye-balling portions is not helping control calories.
-Don't eat the same thing all of the time, maybe my body is simply used to burning what I have been giving it. I need to reintroduce food challenges.
-Keep working out and keep it diverse. It's the only reason I am looking at 5 pounds having crept back on instead of 25.
-Remember how I got here. I think it is time to go back to old journal and blog entries to find inspiration. Before I landed in the hospital last year, I felt bullet proof when it came to food.
-If none of this works, be ready to pay a professional nutritionist to assist me.

Well, there you go. All of that definitely falls under 'too much information' for you. But I needed to put a plan in writing to deal with this situation and this seemed the best place.

Wish me luck.

Yours in health, Kate

From the beginning...

Today's tip- For god's sake, call someone!

I spent the weekend mindlessly amping up my sugar intake. A cookie here, a cupcake there, a cookie there and there and you get the point. At the end of the weekend I realized I was suffering a bit of depression.

While I try to keep an eye out for signs, I am not always successful until I am a couple of days in and a pattern has emerged. This weekend the weather, combined with a general belief that I must be repulsive to men, created the perfect sugared storm.

It was at the laundry mat yesterday that I was reminded of a good trick, whether depressed or not, to combat mindless eating - call someone. When you are craving the peanut butter chocolate chip cookie, pick-up the receiver and phone a friend. If the first friend isn't available, just keep dialing. By the time you finally have a conversation, even if it is of no substance, you will likely have forgotten about or at least lost the craving for whatever demon you wanted to face down.

I did it when I realized I was going to be in the laundry mat longer than I expected. (Everyone was washing their undies yesterday.) I called six people and left messages before stumbling across an out-of-state friend. He's handsome and intellectual and by the end of the conversation I was thinking about many things, but none of them were food.

He even helped dissuade me from the belief that I am revolting, he assured me it was quite the opposite. He also reinforced my mother's belief that perhaps I scare men a bit. Not like jump out in front of them, but apparently my strength scares them. (Wimps.)

So, the next time you are looking at caving to a craving, grab the phone and use your mouth for something other than a garbage disposal. And if you chat up the right person, you may get a bonus ego boost!

Yours in (mental) health, Kate

The Evil That Women Do

Or, why my roomie should be banned from borrowing baking cookbooks.

I have and will continue to benefit greatly from Lori's vast culinary skills; I am grateful. Without her guidance early on I never would have found my way through the brambles of healthy eating and eventually lost over 110 pounds.

However, the woman has a penchant for cookbooks. She collects them, borrows them and photocopies them. We have recipes in our household for anything under the sun, though we lean toward chicken, turkey and vegetarian dishes.

At Christmas it looks like Meredith Publishing off-loads a magazine rack straight into apartment of cookie, cake, candy and homemade food gift periodicals. At the holidays I have come to accept that my home will be filled with hand rolled truffles, perfectly baked cookies and chocolate treats of all shapes. But yesterday I got a surprise.

Lori has found a new baking cookbook that she loves. It's all chocolate. Dark chocolate, my favorite. She decided to produce a recipe from it - peanut butter Rice Krispie treats with dark chocolate drizzle. Yummmmmmm. And, oh god. One is bad enough, but now she is plotting further calorie laden treats to adorn our place.

Work offers up enough treat options, having anything other than plain old everyday dark chocolate at home can be a recipe for disaster for lil 'ol sugar addict me.

Lori realized the error last night when all she wanted to do to was eat the entire pan in one sitting. She did not, instead she snacked on one and headed to yoga. On the way out the door she informed me I would be taking the rest to work this morning. Huh? I hesitantly agreed.

Then I sat there thinking about being faced with them on the back food table - every time I went to warm up my coffee. The idea made me a bit crazy, because I ate one last night and it way WAY too good.

I found the bag of treats waiting by my coat this morning and I shook my head. I went about my business and got ready to go. I headed to work (where I am now) and realized about 10 minutes after arriving, I had forgotten them. LOL. My subconscious likes my thighs smaller!

Never fear, those from work who are reading this, I will undoubtedly have them shoved into my bag for me when I get home, so I don't 'forget' them again.

I would swipe her library card, but it would be in vain as long as there is a Borders, Barnes & Noble or Half-Price Book Store within her reach.

Yours in health, Kate

Inspired Back to Basics

My friend Lori who works at the front desk at my office (a.k.a. - guru/goddess of all that needs care) has started her own health and fitness journey. I am SO proud of her!

She has started eating better, is going to the gym and is even working with a trainer a couple of days a week. She is already seeing amazing results. She has been floored by the power of the basics - portion control, proper food choices and exercise.

And her swift progression reminded me that the basics are just that and they are for EVERYONE, not just beginners. That means me. I have lost sight of them.

I advocate them highly. I give advice from what I have learned. I even (though I try hard not to) preach on them.

Example - I always say 'anything in moderation'. Then I follow-up with the sage wisdom that brought me down 111 pounds so far (yes, I am back at 149) - just have a bite or two, not the whole thing. Mainly this pertains to sweets. This week I had 4 WHOLE cookies and a brownie. Not on the same day, but I did.

I shattered a basic rule and I regret it. It made me feel ashamed. And hypocritical. Like the vascular surgeon friend of mine who spends his day clearing clogged hearts and then has 3 hot dogs from Sam's Club for dinner and never exercises.

"Do as I say, not as I do", that has always irritated the hell out me when people take that attitude. Now, here I am saying, "try to control your sugar, it has no nutritional value and it suppresses your immune system", with a cookie in my hand.

I don't want to be that person, so I won't. I am reintroducing myself to the basics. The first step is to reset completely. So no treats for me today or tomorrow. (That one will be a killer, mom ALWAYS makes dessert on Sunday.)

On Monday I will return to the plan that got me here - keep my treat under 100 calories a day AND plan when I am going eat it. That way I have something to look forward to.

So, thank you Lori for the wake-up call and CONGRATULATIONS on the start of your journey.

Now I am going to the gym - No sugar at Fitness World West. ;)

Yours in health, Kate