When Do I Want to Get Honest?

I split the butt out of my cheap panty hose today. The liar in me is happy to stress the 'cheap' part. The honest person, that I know is hiding in there somewhere, knows damn well why the poor spandex infused nylon gave up - stress. Funny, I think the panty hose and I have something in common.

I have given up to stress as well. For months I have been eating and letting mental anguish beat me rather than fighting back. It has been easier to lay back, let insanity wash over me and cram it into my soul with cookies and a glass of milk.

When they put me on the 'sedentary' track for my knee, I was determined that wasn't going to lead me further astray. Alas, bullshit that isn't followed up with bravado is as useless as, well hell, I can't think of any clean examples. Suffice it to say, it won't get you very far.

I haven't been to my ortho since the whole, "we won't touch your knee until we know if the shoulder is cancer" episode. I could go back, but I have a sneaking suspicion what he will prescribe and my butt has been set on long enough.

Between my lack of movement and my ever present attempts at assuaging pain and stress through food, I have become everything I swore I would never be again. Now it's time to put up or shut up.

So, starting Sunday morning, I am going to put on my knee brace and walk. It won't be far or long, but it will be movement. I am going to see how far I can push my knee before it pushes back.

I don't have time to be complacent anymore. It is making me lack self-respect and not like myself, I thought that was over. But the self-loathing is now more painful than the knee, so one of them has to give.

Yours in re-dedication, Kate

Where the Hell Have I Been?

24 days. That's how long it has been since my last post.

In that time we have elected a new president, my job has changed again, I have gained more weight, my knee injury is only slightly better, I have moved into my new house and I have come to the conclusion it's time to seek help.

Well, geez. I wasn't really going to talk about that last one. But I will in a minute because apparently I need to. First - the other things.

A new president - The election sucked away my time, as expected. I ate poorly and exercised, not at all.

My job - It's complicated, as usual. I will again be making a transition because it's best for the team. I have no idea whether it's best for me or not, I've had no time or inclination to think about it.

The weight - I am attempting to eat my emotions away. One cookie, cake and sub sandwich at a time, hoping to assuage my pain, so far, it's not working for crap.

My knee - I had an MRI. There is a tear in my cartilage, but it's not where it should be causing pain. They would like to do exploratory surgery. I am giving it another couple months of therapy and then reassessing. I have this thing about knives.

My new house - That's what sapped my time after the election. I had to pack and plan and execute a move. Everything went almost exactly as planned - right up until we landed with the first truckload last Saturday and one half of the former owners was still moving out. I kind of saw it coming though and rolled with it. The way I have been feeling lately, that was kind of a little miracle. Anyway, just in the unpacking phase now. Next week is about creating a list of projects and putting together a five year plan for remodels and renovations.

My mental health - I have eluded to it here on the blog for months. Things have been falling to pieces inside my head. I am at the point where I feel like I can't deal with them alone. I will be seeking counseling next week.

I think a lot of things have lead to this point, again. And all of the reasons above, as well as my continued crap luck with men have been a catalyst. That last part pisses me off the most. That I would let anything any man might do affect my mental health or eating habits makes me angry, mostly at myself. Once more I have fallen into a spiraling pattern of pain and self-loathing.

I will NOT let this happen. It is not o.k. to be in pain. It is not o.k. to eat myself back to morbidly obese. This will get better.

The difference now is that I recognize these patterns. That means, when I do walk into a counseling session, I will be ready to be helped and that is half the battle.

Yours, getting back into the saddle, Kate

In a circle

I am circling myself with negative talk and cookies. I have let my passing depression about a number of issues put me in a tail spin. Yesterday's diagnosis of my knee and confirmation of something being wrong - well, it was about all I could take.

I have this endless urge to cry and bury myself in chocolate today. It has made me tired and impatient. I do not like being either one.

I am leaving work now, much earlier than usual, because I have to reset or I don't know what. I saw that WebGal had the same bad mojo rockin' yesterday and I feel for her.

Life has put me here, but I am the one who dug the hole so deeply. Now I have to build a ladder to get out - one step at a time.

Yours in (lack of mental) health, Kate

Sunday Inspiration - Reading

I have blogged endlessly recently about my eating issues, my weight gain, my tiredness and my feeling of being completely lost. Just now I slid over to Women's Health Magazine looking for a "Sunday Inspiration" column and I finally found answers to what has been beating me up.

I try to learn something new daily - one thing about the world and one thing about health and fitness. This article is about stress and how it can effect your weight. I have not only learned something new, but I have had a complete break-through, I have figured out why I have gained so much weight.

I was just thinking yesterday, "What is it that's been grinding away on me over the summer?" I started to wander toward being in a so-so relationship with a man and wondered if my pre-existing issues with the male sex had been the catalyst. Was I so scared of taking one on the chin with men again that I began making myself fat by overeating? I thought about it hard. The very idea pissed me off. Could I have really been that weak? The fact that it angered me made me think it was something else, but men might have played a smaller role.

Then I started looking at the timeline. All of this food crap started as my stress levels rose. As I tried to maintain dating and family and home and work. And there it was - work.

Early this summer, just weeks after dealing with the stress of working 20-22 hour days covering the floods, I was socked with bad news - my role was changing. At that time they told me my position really didn't exist anymore, but they were keeping on to do part of my job because I was good at it. However, since the other part of my job was being given away, I had to find a way to 'justify my salary'.

I am glad to have a job, a job that pays pretty well and has health insurance and most of the time I like very much. But a summer and fall of being in limbo has work me out - mentally, physically, emotionally, intellectually - I am spent.

So, when I read this article in Women's Health, it all crystallized for me. Yes, I had sabotaged my own weight loss maintenance, but so had my own body. My stress has seized control. I'm stressed I eat, I don't eat I am stressed, I gain weight I stress and the circle is endless - until now. Now that I have a much better idea of what the hormone cortisol is and what it is doing to my body - I have a much better chance of fighting back and that is inspiring.

Yours in health, Kate

Put down the cookie and step away slowly

I have had a brutally stressful and angry day. I am swinging between wanting to scream and cry. When Kathy at the front desk brought in homemade cookies in the midst of this mental onslaught my instant reaction was "Thank god!". I immediately started toward the container. Then, before even reaching the lobby I stopped, spun on a heel and headed for the refrigerator to find my carrots.

Through unstoppable frustration I was able to abort my most basic survival instinct and not eat the pain away. It is the one bright spot in a day full of feeling like I dropped my ice cream cone when I was five. A mixture of sadness and loss.

I am now going to do something healthy with my anger - I am going to the gym. That's what you have to do - make healthy choices and redirect your energies.

Yours in health, Kate