When I was bigger I was hiding. Hiding from myself, but mainly hiding from men. You see, if I was big, no one could possibly be attracted to me. (Or so I believed and I was mostly right.) I was hit on here and there, but always because the guys thought I would be desperate because I was fat.
I proved them wrong by sending them packing with some scathing or frigid comment. I made it clear I had no time for games. That falseness on the part of men and a bad relationship or two, soured me on the opposite sex. Frankly, I swore them off.
In recent months my interest in guys has returned. During this rediscovery I have also found a truth that I did not expect: I did not hate men, I hated what I let them do to me - emotionally and psychologically. So now, on the other side of the weight and the mental anguish of being used and always left, I am ready to try again.
The funny thing is, I think I have forgotten how to ride the bike. I think my flirt is broken. I just can't figure out how to get the train to move from the station. (Somebody get me a cliche thesaurus.)
You see, not to sound conceited, I look better than I ever have. Don't get me wrong, I don't consider myself super model material, but I think I look pretty good and am getting better by the day. And yet, nothing.
I can get guys to flirt, but no date requests have come in. I even caved and asked a guy out, he said yes, he'd check his schedule and get back to me. He never called back. I can't believe I shared that. But I feel like I need to be completely honest with you each step of my journey toward health and fitness.
So, there it is. I feel like I am the Gobi desert with a map and broken compass. I know which way the sun rises, but beyond that I am a little lost.
Funny, I'm not sure what I was expecting after writing all that. I think I was hoping for an epiphany. The only thing that I have concluded is that perhaps I am impatient. Did I really think just because I have changed the world would be ready? Or more specifically the men?
I would keep pondering, but if I don't end this now, I think I may pass into the realm of pathetically needy.
Yours in (mental) health, Kate
Not very long ago I was in the place you find yourself now. Exciting and a not a little terrifying, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteI'm not an intellectual, but I am a book nerd. When I wanted to make cheerleading in high school, I read a couple books on how to have a successful tryout. It worked.
When I set out to find a nice, sensible boyfriend and potential husband I read books. I admit, my goal was to do everything within my power to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. Barf. Still, I recommend figuring out exactly what you want out of dating before you head down this path. Give yourself permission to want to get married and have babies or not or any combination of those things. Being a feminist means you have a choice to do whatever you want. CEO or SAHM are equally valid choices.
Back to books. I recommend Tracy Cox's Superflirt to get your juice/mack/game back. If you determine that you want to find a more permanent man I recommmend two books. Surrendered Single by Laura Doyle says some things that a liberated woman might find appalling, but are pretty much true. Don't hate the player; hate the game. The second book, Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School by Rachel Greenwald appeals to the savvy planner and talks about a method to the madness and that we do have some control over who/what/when of dating.
I hope this helps. If nothing else, you can always vent your dating dilemas to me.