You Snow, it's best to have a good sense of humor...

Last week's snow storm snarled Des Moines and caused many to break their backs shoveling.  Including my Saint-of-a-Brother Gordon.  He went to our house when we weren't home and used a snow blower and shovel to clear our walks on our corner lot, our drive and around my housemate Lori's care - he is AWESOME personified. 

My only adventures were driving in the white stuff as I had to work long hours every day affected by the storm.  I didn't get a snow-induced workout.  However, on Friday it was time to shoot the cover for the January/ February issue of Intuition and it was fun.

Kari, the photographer, our model Christine Comito all tromped behind the Art Center to find virgin snow for our shot.  Trudging along seemed hard at first and I was easily winded, not a surprise since I haven't worked out since March.  But it was actually fun and made me feel good afterward.  BTW - Christine was a great sport, you'll see why when you see the cover!

The only thing I will say is that the colder weather has made my knee pretty angry.  That won't stop me from making the most of my upcoming vacation at Disney World with the family.  That starts Wednesday morning as we leave at 6 a.m. on a flight out of Des Moines International.  I'll keep you updated.

Yours in health,
Kate

Snow = Junk

I've been at work since 4:45 this morning.  Weather means work for me.  But it also means eating junk in between go-go moments.  I don't know what is for dinner tonight, but as long as it doesn't come pre-wrapped, I will be good.

At least I started well today with a half-cup of high fiber oat cereal and coffee.  It went downhill from there, kind of like the weather. :)  Oh well, as Scarlet would say, "Tomorrow is another day."

Yours in health,
Kate

A New Page

I just finished writing the hardest article of my life.  It's my new column for Intuition Magazine.  Each article will be a summation of two months of effort (and a story exclusive to the magazine) to redirect my life again - it's long overdue.  I have hit 260 pounds again, that was my starting point last time.  So, it's time to begin again.  This time with the added pressure of even more eyes, which for me isn't a bad thing - I hate to let people down, so that breeds success.  (Now, if only I hated to let myself down - I'll get there.)

Intuition will be published every other month starting in January.  It's a really awesome project I have been working on for some time with our director of publishing Kari Elbert.  We published a magazine in October for LITE 104.1's Outstanding Women You Should Know.  That magazine was a big hit and now we are producing Intuition.

Intuition will be available at doctor's offices, in businesses and on newsstands all over the Des Moines metro.  That will be the exclusive place to find out EXACTLY how I am doing.  I will not be putting weight or measurements in my blog.  Instead the blog will be about the every day ups and downs we all experience with a weight-loss journey.

I know I can do this, I did it before.  In fact, I was at my doctor a couple of weeks ago when she was telling me my thyroid was running low (hypothyroidism) and I asked her about sending me to a nutritionist.  She said, "I could, but you probably know more than they do."  She's right.  Anyone who was along for the ride knows that I became a walking encyclopedia on healthy eating and exercise.  So it's time to sit down, put a plan on paper, draw from my own knowledge and dive in.

I welcome anyone who wants to come along this time.  Weight-loss journeys are always easier with someone walking beside you.

Yours in Health,
Kate

Me Time

This morning, after a long week, I slept in. I ate breakfast and vegged on the couch. I ran errands.

Now I am sitting here getting a pedicure. I get mine at Cali Nails in West Glen Town Center. They are very reasoanbly priced and hyper vigilente in cleanliness. They are friendly and do a really nice job.

Anyway, she is currently massaging my feet and calves, I always feel so decadent. If I could have one of these a week, I might be willing to give up cookies. (And my thighs would thank me.)

When I am done here though, it's back to reality as I head home to meet up with Gordon to do some yard work. Oh well, that's good for me too. :)

Yours in health, Kate

Walking back to move ahead

A friend at work today asked me if I was going to restart the walking club I headed the last couple of summers. To be honest, I hadn't thought about it. However, it's the perfect excuse to get moving again.

I didn't walk today because I am still sore from this weekend. Tomorrow night when I get home I will go for a walk before I settle in for the night.

I am going to send out an e-mail tomorrow to see who at work wants to walk. And I am going to restart the club next month. (Next week.)

Speaking of which, I can't believe it will soon be September. The year has flown. My birthday is next month. That is a bit, unsettling. I am inching closer to 40, not that that is bad, it just has my attention. :)

Yours in change, Kate

Quickly

A long day. Just realized I didn't post.

Went to physical therapy this morning, I was told I could start walking a little. Yesterday I walked too much at the fair. Everything on my lower body ached horribly. I easily walked at least 3 miles. I was sore, but not too bad today. Anyway, I can walk up to a mile a day and then work my way up over the next few weeks. So definitely improving.

I am going to work out goals this week. Once I have them in writing, it will be easier to visualize and therefore accomplish.

BTW - I apologize if there are errors in this, I am writing on my phone and it's hard to edit.

Well, I'm tired.

Good night, Kate

Iowa State Fair

I am going tonight for a few hours.  We will eat junk - I know that.  That is a requirement of going to the fair.  Everything must be fried and/or fat and/or horribly bad for you.

But, to quote Scarlet O'Hara, "Tomorrow is another day".  In fact, that is exactly how I planned it.  Over the last few days, I have made a change here, a change there.  I am reviewing old food logs and blog entries.  I am back to reading fitness magazines.  I have made a commitment to do a 5K in the spring and a 10K next fall.  I am committed to running by the time I reach Disney World.

None of this will be possible without real change.  Today I went to Target and picked up healthier snacks.  I plan to get back to only snacking on fruit whole grains and lean protein.  But realistically, I need to ween myself off sugar.  So, a granola bar here, 100 calorie cookie pack there and I am still better off than diving face first in the vending machine.  A place my friend Karess says she wants, "Chips with fat, why bother if you're not gonna be bad."  LOL.  Indeed.

Anyway, Lori is headed home and then we are off to the fair.  What a better way to end the year of the binge than at a place that originated it?

Yours in positive change, Kate

Power of Positive Speak

Long ago I had someone tell me that I needed to speak positively to myself to reap positive results.  I gave it a try, but somehow it felt terribly unnatural being my own biggest cheerleader.  However, as the good results began to outweigh the bad, I was positive.  I smiled more.  I gave more compliments.  I found myself chiding others for not being the same way.  (The latter may have lead to some of the criticism my family put on me about 'having changed'.)

As my willfulness began to unravel after my first knee injury, I began to forget this important lesson.  I read through the months after the beginning of the year and realize I was slowly losing myself in hate talk.

Now I must go back to the original lesson, find its essence and embrace it, because willingness without belief is defeat waiting to happen. 

No one can undo my hard work.  Except me.  And a bad attitude. :)

Yours in change, Kate

My Own Silence is Deafening

I am about to be really honest. The bonus is, I haven't blogged in so long, there will be no one here to read it. :o)

I have expanded many things in the last few months - my vocabulary, my knowledge-base, my number of friends, my waistline.

As for the latter, it's been a combo-effect. I was already on a shame spiral that was being fed (literally) by my mental health. Then there was my wonderful knee I had been told to stay off.

Well, in May, I decided I wasn't going to wait around anymore for the knee to magical heal as the quack of an ortho had promised. It felt somewhat better and I am tough, I can play with pain. So I joined the group volleyball team. A game and a half into our three game match I felt a tear and pop. I knew exactly what had happened.

That little tear in my meniscus that the orthopedist had assured me shouldn't hurt and wouldn't tear, had torn. I played the rest of the match. (Carefully. I mean we only had three women.) The next day I sought out my doc for pain pills and a sports specialist for the injury.

I should have gone to a sports guy to begin with, but I made the mistake of taking the recommendation given to me. For everyone, if you are active and you are injured, go to a sports doc. My first visit I made it clear I wanted to be running again in six months, he agreed I could if I was willing to do the work.

Well, I am now almost seven weeks post-op and I am on track to be walking for exercise in the next three or four weeks. My goal is to be able to once again easily run a mile straight by the time we go on vacation to Disney World in December - I hear it's beautiful to run there in the morning before the parks open.

Regarding the surgery, I had a partial meniscectomy. They went in and cut away the torn part of the cartilage. I have been doing physical therapy, because I ended up with range-of-motion and scar tissue issues. But I am making progress I am happy with. I also found a physical therapist who specializes in sports injuries. That's me thinking, huh? :)

That's one thing that has amazingly come back in all of this - my sense of humor. While I am still pissed the other guy was a quack. (Because if he had made the repair then, I could be running by now.) That's life.

Yes, he made me sedentary, but he didn't make me eat. No one did, just two-fisted little me. What's the damage? After getting all the way down to 149 (from 260) then bouncing to 160 and maintaining it, I have ballooned to 242. Jeez, that was ugly-hard to write. But it is necessary to be completely honest if I am going to do this again.

I have learned a lot of lessons good and bad in this process. Now, it's a matter of putting those lessons into action - again. I said a number of times in my journey that I would never go back and no one could make me. I forgot - I could make me.

I bought new running shoes, am having Lori bring the hand weights up from the basement and calling my dad about the bike-holder. I'm coming back baby - watch out. ;)

Yours in positive change, Kate

PS - Here's a pic of today, to be doubly honest.

Hiding in Plain Sight

I'm not sure what, specifically, set off this latest round of self-destructive behaviour. But I seem to have gone beyond simple gluttony to self-loathing.

I met with my counselor lat week for the first time since the beginning of the year and admitted things I had on been suspecting. I'm really angry with myself. I have officially gained back half of what I had lost.

I am a bad example to everyone, including myself. They say you cannot unlearn things, but I have been giving it my best.

So, because I am not exactly upbeat right now and I need to reset everything (and not just say I am). I am putting my blogging for this site on a sort-of hiatus.

If I truly have a break-through or really go back down the road where I need to be, I will post. For now I just feel like I am a drag and downer, who wants to read that?

Thank you to everyone who has been supportive. I will be back when I can be that way again for myself.

Yours in appreciation, Kate

Keeping up the pace

My workouts have come to a screeching halt again. My schedule is out of hand.

I hope to get things more under control in the coming week.

Good night, Kate

Fierce Headaches

I am on a piss-poor roll with wicked headaches. I am currently battling one of the worst in a while. I would love to say "I have no idea why", but that would be b.s. It's stress.

Sadly every time things feel like they have piled on my head begins to pound. Right now I don't know whether to puke or cry.

And on that note, I am going to try to go home.

-Kate

Food is Everywhere

The day started fine - banana, oatmeal, coffee.

Lunch hit at Workplace of the Week for KIOA, the downhill slide began. Pizza, lots of gooey, yummy Boston's Gourmet pizza. Then Starbuck's with sugar and a cookie.

I am leaving in a few minutes to run home and then go out to dinner for Gordon's birthday at Famous Dave's.

It's official - this is an off day.

Oh, and no workout - too busy, imagine that.

Yours in (um, well) "health", Kate

Long Day

No workout today. Started work at 5 a.m. Took a two hour break to go to doctor and eat lunch from noon-2 p.m. Just leaving work now.

I am tired and trying to find my footing in getting my life back. I have let it swan out before me in 10-12 hour days for months, there's only so long that can stand.

For now, I will settle for finding dinner, my cats and my couch.

Yours in health, Kate

On a tear

I was scary yard work and house work girl today. The latter may still have Lori in shock.

I am laying in bed blogging because I forgot and I have to be at work uber early.

I am quite tired, but quite accomplished. Still much to be done, but love that I am doing it.

Good night, Kate

My Yard as My Gym

Today I did battle again with the bushes that had over run the front of my house. With an improved choice of weapon, I came out the victor. FYI - loppers are the tool to take down bushes that have grown to over 5 feet tall and 30 feet wide, not hedge clippers, they will die.

Working in the yard is not only good for my physical health, but my mental health. When I cracked those sticks with the loppers, I used agression, pain and forethought. I made those bushes that were hiding my house pay for being intrusive. And I made them pay for everything else anyone had done to me this week.

I let go though yard work. Tomorrow I hope to get off early from work and do it again. In fact, I hope to spend the entire summer letting go through grooming my little corner of the world.

Yours in health, Kate

Feeling better

I have been able to get sleep the last couple of nights, that has really helped. It's amazing what slowly making your way exhaustion can do. I hope to continue to sleep and finally get all the way to being happy and awake.

I have been able to workout too. That definitely has helped as well.

I think I may also be completely kicking this bug as well.

Whatever the reason, I am feeling better and that is so welcome.

Yours in health, Kate

Looking at the Bottom

Yesterday hurt a lot. Mentally, physically, emotionally. It all felt like too much.

Exhaustion, anger, depression. All effects of my life out of control.

Too much work, which I can't change because everyone is working hard - we all need our jobs.

The cracked heart that I have only just admitted I have.

The lack of a life.

My depression sneaking back in.

My health sliding.

I realized this afternoon, I don't have control over some of this. But I do have control over the last two. Gratefully I was on the treadmill when I came to this conclusion. And I had already called about a counseling appointment.

The nice thing now is that when I get near bottom I recognize it.

Yours in health, Kate

Tripping toward my wits end

I am exhausted. I never had a chance to recover from the weekend and now I have just put in another 10 hour day. I would sleep in tomorrow but I have to deal with a situation first thing.

I am so frustrated and tired I just want to cry.

I want to eat and sleep and do absolutely nothing.

I am on the edge of, ah crap, I have no idea what.

I am hoping to go to bed early and wake up with a fresh perspective.

I just keep repeating, "I am grateful for what I have and will not dwell on what I don't". Hopefully soon I will believe it.

Yours, Kate

The Ubiquitous Kate Garner

I am punch drunk. After several days, hell weeks, of being everywhere all the time, I am crisp like microwave bacon. Then about half an hour ago, while finishing up a project at work, I accidentally nicknamed myself.

I love my vocabulary, despite the fact that people make fun of me for it. I like big words, knowing their meaning and when to use them. But you know that you've gone beyond tired when the first thing that pops into your head when someone says, 'gee you're everywhere', is ubiquitous.

To quote directly from Webster's dictionary - UbiquitousU*biq"ui*tous\, a. [See Ubiquity.] Existing or being everywhere, or in all places, at the same time; omnipresent. -- U*biq"ui*tous*ly, adv.

Sadly, I can't even deny it and be all 'no, it just seems that way'. I really am and it's starting to wear thin.

I do not want to complain, I am happy to have my job. Most days I enjoy my job. And even on days like, well I was going to say today, but I will have to be clearer - 24 hour passages - like this one, I am grateful.

But even the listeners are noticing. One called Friday to the front desk and asked if the guy who used to do nights on KIOA was coming back. Kathy told him no. He said that was o.k., he liked me, but it seemed like I was everywhere. Tonight (last night) when I was filling on the STAR 102.5 70's show, I had a listener call and say it was great to hear me, but wow, how many stations am I on? He had heard me on KIOA, Lite and Star all within 24 hours and was a little confused. Join the club.

My whole goal these days when I walk into a studio is to not screw up and say the wrong call letters. LOL.

And to add to my punch-drunk amusement in this situation? As I came to my desk to type this, I realized the clocks had corrected. It's now 3 o'clock in the morning, not 2. Despite having reminded people all night to set their clocks ahead, i tiredly forgot that would mean I would lose an hour of sleep I probably wasn't getting anyway.

Plus, I had a migraine this afternoon and a good part of tonight. Whine.

The gym and I seem to have been separated by work and fate this weekend and that thought makes me even more tired.

Yours in exhaustion, Kate

Blogging while doing crunches

So, I put in a really hard workout this morning. But the day was hella stressful, so I ended up stuffing chocolate and a couple of hush puppies -bad habits, old habits.

Anyway, now I have time to blog but also feel like I need to burn a few calories. So with my handy new phone with full qwerty keyboard, am actually attempting to type while I crunch and do leg lifts. Now this is multitasking.

However, I do not recommed doing this while on a treadmill or other cardio machine. It's a recipe for falling in front of the hottie at the free-weights.

Yours in health, Kate

I really wish I had more time

Everyone thinks this. Whether it is to spend time with family, have fun or exercise, like me - we all want more time.

My days roll over me like heavy equipment, by the time I leave work I am spent. Today I stepped away for 45 minutes. I started to feel guilty. Afterward I felt better.

Not about taking time away, I am working on that. But about me. Better physically, mentally and my stress level, better.

I needed that - a reminder that you can't create time, but you can make the most of what you have.

Yours in (mental) health, Kate

Making my trainer crazy

Well, anyone who knows me knows I am stubborn. I am not easily lead. Acting on impulse may happen with my heart, but other matters get researched. In fact, my research skills are one of the things that keep me employed.

So yesterday when I sat down to talk food and supplements I wasn't the easiest sale she had ever had. I understand the importance of a good multi-vitamin, but get beyond putting an anti-oxident in a pill and I lose interest. I just don't believe there is such a thing as a 'fat-burner'. The only true fat burner I know of involves eating right and exercising.

All of that said, I will try their multi and anti. Anything reasonable gets one try. Beyond that, it will take more research.

Yours in health, Kate

I've been sick

I'm still recovering from having been sick for over a week. I have a double ear infection, sinus infection and bronchitis. Some of those may be misspelled, I am blogging on my phone from Starbuck's while Lori is pumping iron.

I haven't been to the gym since I started getting sick. I am so tired. I think it was a combination of long work hours, not being over my last illness and a new gym that lead me to get really sick this time.

I am going back to the gym tomorrow and working again with my trainer. I fully admit I have been eating poorly while I have been sick. I crave carbs and junk. Which is not good because you dont't recover as well.

Anyway, I should go get Lori and head to my mom's.

Yours in health, Kate

801 Grand Power Climb

Thank you to everyone who helped make the Power Climb a great success. 828 climbers came out today and have so far raised over $130,000 for the American Lung Association of Iowa.

That includes Annette who didn't feel well and still finished in a respectable time. As you know I had to skip the climb this year because of this stupid knee of mine.

It was so fun to see the behind the scenes parts, last year I was too busy climbing. Man were there a lot of gorgeous firefighters there. Even if I wasnLt committed to the cause, that would motivate me to be there.

I'll be there next year, climbing and organizing.

Yours in health, Kate

Another Weekend at Work

I am very tired. Yesterday was a 12 hour day at work. Now, I am back at work. In fact, I got here at 5:30 a.m. and will be here until noon. I have a lot to do in that time. I am very glad to be employed, especially with recent layoffs here, but I am still getting kind of burned out.

It doesn't help that I woke up with another sore throat and achy. I just did two rounds of antibiotics, all the crud should be gone.

I really can't afford to be sick. I can't afford to have my knee throb like it is again this morning. I just got back into the swing of working out and eating right.

When I am stressed I want to eat. Luckily this week I have been too busy to really overeat. But when I am this tired, I get lazy. Hopefully I will be able to work my way through the brambles and stay on track.

As for the knee, I plan to ice it here in a little while. Then later this afternoon I will put on my knee brace and workout anyway.

I was feeling great earlier this week, I had energy again. I felt like the old me, bouncy and able to face off with any challenge. This morning I just feel ick. Maybe I just need coffee. :)

Yours in health, Kate

Finally, the end of the day

This will be very short. I have worked 12 hours, I am going home.

Did not get a workout in because of work and the fact that my knee is throbbing. In fact, the knee is bad enough I might not have gone to the gym, even if there had magically been time.

That being said, after working from 5:30a to Noon tomorrow and going to a lunch for my step-grandmother's birthday - I am going to the gym - period.

Now, I am going home to my turkey burger.

Yours in health, Kate

bodybugg

I love mine. I am becoming addicted to know how many calories I expend in a day. This sucker keeps track of calories burned and steps taken. I plug it in and bam - I know where I am for the day.

Add that to my religiously logging food (a.k.a the FLog) again and I am on my way.

Just two weeks in to my recommitment to me and I have more energy. Thank goodness, because it was getting brutally hard to work 10 and 11 hours day every day. At least now when I walk away I still have energy to go home and get dinner before passing out. :)

Didn't get a workout in today, because work ran so long. But that's o.k. I have every intention of making this my one and only day off this week.

Yours in health, Kate

P.S. - Lori fixed an extremely low cost, reasonably caloried and very tasty meal last night for dinner. I will ask her to post it on her blog and link over.

I'm too tired to overeat

This will be a very short post. I am on hour 11 of my work day. I dipped out for one hour to meet with my new trainer. I'm exhausted.

If I don't sleep well tonight, I have no idea what is wrong with me. Right now my problem is lack of spelling and typing ability, hence the briefness.

Actually worked out hard with the trainer today. I liked it.

Now I need food.

Yours in fitness, Kate

New Me on Monday

That's a little omage to one of Lori's favorite bands, Duran Duran. But then again, there were very few of us who escaped lusting after John Taylor.

Today was the beginning of week two of getting back in touch with my health. I am eating right and exercising, now I want a professional to back me up. So, I am paying for a trainer to kick me in the pants with both.

My new trainer is Desiree. She got her start working at Curves and decided helping people make real changes was a calling. She's petite and fit as hell. She may be shorter than me, but I am pretty sure she could take me. That's what I need - fear. Nah, just kidding.

But it is nice to have someone ready to answer my questions, guide me and want my success as much as I do. Honestly, I will miss trainer Traci, because she became a friend. But new gym and a new trainer may be exactly the remedy to my tailspin.

Today was just get to know the program and online service for logging foods. I also went ahead and bought my friend Lori's Bodybugg. It's an armband that keeps track of energy output.

I am hoping that between the bugg and a trainer I should be able to figure out what works and what doesn't for me. The gym subscribes to the Apex system. They say there are five elements to success - food intake, cardio training, supplements, weight training and personal assistance.

I felt a little like I was in boot camp when trainer D told me I need memorize those. However, she assured me she isn't Jillian. LOL. Hopefully that is the case, I can't imagine I would take that well. No matter how much I want to do this right. ;)

Yours in fitness, Kate

Biggest Loser Update

Up to this point I have been encouraging everyone else while eating cookies. This week I took the reins and am back in the saddle. (My love of horse is showing.)

With eating right and exercising back into the daily habits category I was ready for today's weigh-in.

I ended up with a 2.6 pound loss. That's not bad. The super-control-freak in me wants more.

So I will have to work harder.

Everyone in the familly is doing well. But Gordon is kicking all our asses. LOL. That's to be expected, he's even more competitive than me.

Yours in fitness, Kate

Happy Made-Up Holiday

O.k., now that we have my cynicism out of the way.

I was going to blog yesterday, but as is typical in winter for me - snow screwed everything up. I was too busy keeping up with the national weather service and traffic to blog or workout.

I had it a heck of a lot better than my brother Gordon though, he got hit in the front of his truck and in the back by guys who couldn't drive in the snow. The one who hit him from behind was from Texas, so that's no shocker. However, the creep hit him and ran - low-life. I may look into weather the DOT may have tape of the incident to find the guy.

Back into the gym today though. Just like every other time I have missed workouts and returned to the gym, I was once again reminded of how good I feel after. The difference this time is, that until Tuesday, it had been months. Not anymore.

My knee brace is doing o.k. It shifts more than I would like. Plus sometimes I wonder if it's causing more pain than it relieves. It pinches and it doesn't allow a full stride. So my Achilles has flames again and the front of my ankle was cranky the other day. All of that said, it won't stop me from doing what I need to for me.

I plan to workout in the morning before heading to my mom's. We still have the biggest loser contest going on and this may be the first week I lose instead of gain. That would bring into numbers my new found readiness to get healthy again.

Yours in fitness, Kate

Three m&ms

I ate three of the little candy coated lovelies today and a small piece of chocolate. Afterward I felt horribly guilty. That despite the fact that otherwise I had eaten like a champ.

And I laughed at myself. A week ago I was eating full-on cookies, without guilt. Too funny. I have turned the corner and headed back in the direction of health.

It's not that anyone should feel bad about a little cheat, they shouldn't. In fact, everyone should indulge now and then to avoid a binge.

But with my sad history involving sugar, I am going to be hyper-vigilant for a while.

On Monday I am meeting with my new trainer. We are going to take a hard look at food and the options that should really be in my arsenal. I am sure there will be a bit of culture shock because trainers have a whole different idea about food. But I am willing to give their way a try.

I love learning new things. A different way to eat, that may offer new ideas intrigues me. And maybe they will let me keep just a little chocolate.

Yours in health, Kate

A Woman with a Plan

I met with the manager at the gym again today. I didn't get a workout, but I did finally get a new plan in place.

For months I have wanted to restart, but I have been too busy to sit down and write it all out. Today I began that process. I made a new commitment to myself.

The new program will cost me more than I would like. But it will also make me completely accountable for at least the next 10 weeks.

I am not only going to have a trainer for the physical, but also the food. As I have noted time and again here, I struggle with sugar. Now someone is going to watch my.food intake. I am frankly a little nervous about that.

It's easy to cheat when it's just me. However, now someone else will actually care. Could I cheat and lie about it, but frankly, I would be wasting my time and money.

I want this. I want to be back to being energetic and healthy. I want that feeling to return where I feel like I can go forever. And to be flat out honest - I want to feel sexy again.

For a while I was feeling unbelievably kittenish and sometimes naughty. I want that urge to smile slyly again at a man I don't know, just to see him smile back - that's power. :)

I also want my self-respect back. I want to be proud of myself again. I want to look in the mirror and like me. Not just like the size of my ass, myself.

The plan is in place, now it's time to act.

Yours in fitness, Kate

New Gym

I learned a lesson today, there is no direct way to get anywhere on the skywalk. :)

That being said, I joined Gym F/X today downtown. I am way excited. And I was way good on food today.

I got an extra workout today as I discovered that there are no direct routes on the skywalk. So what I thought would be a 15 minute walk became 30. It annoyed me and amused me simultaneously.

I also tried doing squats, that went o.k. But when I tried doing lunges, uh,no. My knee was not having it. I will have to have a trainer work with me on alternatives.

Anyway, I am really going to do this. I have even made a two year commitment to the gym to get a good deal.

I am working on a new food and workout plan. As soon as I have an hour to myself I will write it down and share.

Yours in fitness, Kate

Getting Excited

Ever since I decided to look into switching gyms I am getting pumped up again. The very idea of having a place, right down the street, to relieve my stress excites me greatly.

That's one of two main reasons for this weight gain - stress. Whether it's work, love, a cancer scare or life, stress has sent me to cookies time and again. Now, even when I am not stressed, I am back to the point of mindlessly eating.

It makes me crazy when I think what I have done to my body. What the fat, saturated fat, calories, sugar, etc. do is, well it makes me ill to think about it. You would think that would be enough to stop me. But no, I am as stubborn a sugar eater as I am in anything else apparently.

Anyway, my meeting with the gym is at 1 p.m. tomorrow. Hopefully it will be as good a fit financially as it is in proximity. I'll let you know tomorrow.

Yours in transition, Kate

Removing the Excuses

The excuses: My knee hurts. I am stressed and I eat. My gym is too far away.

My answers: I am going to wear a knee brace. Not everyone stuffs their face when they are stressed, suck it up. I am changing gyms.

I have really danced around that last one. I did not change gyms when my contract was up because I didn't want to lose trainer Traci. But my contract is up in March and I know this time that's not a good enough reason.

I can't really afford to train right now. And I really can't if I am paying for gas in my beat up '93 Buick that gets 15-17 mpg to get back and forth the 16 miles.

But most importantly, the travel time across time and my messed up schedule have teamed to make me complacent. When exercise feels like a burden more than a gift, I will not do it. This has felt like a yoke around my neck for too long.

This new gym is 8 blocks from my office. Even in the bitter cold, there is a trolley that will take me to the front door and a skywalk to walk back within a block and a half of my office.

I am not naming the gym yet, because I have not signed up. But I will say, after a brief conversation with the manager, I feel exhilarated and excited. Time is no longer an excuse, travel money is no longer an excuse. I can work this in to my schedule. Whether it's going in right before I go to work or running down over my lunch or sneaking in after office hours - I would be a two minute trolley ride or a 6 minute walk from my gym!

No excuses, that makes me happy.

Yours in transition, Kate

When Do I Want to Get Honest?

I split the butt out of my cheap panty hose today. The liar in me is happy to stress the 'cheap' part. The honest person, that I know is hiding in there somewhere, knows damn well why the poor spandex infused nylon gave up - stress. Funny, I think the panty hose and I have something in common.

I have given up to stress as well. For months I have been eating and letting mental anguish beat me rather than fighting back. It has been easier to lay back, let insanity wash over me and cram it into my soul with cookies and a glass of milk.

When they put me on the 'sedentary' track for my knee, I was determined that wasn't going to lead me further astray. Alas, bullshit that isn't followed up with bravado is as useless as, well hell, I can't think of any clean examples. Suffice it to say, it won't get you very far.

I haven't been to my ortho since the whole, "we won't touch your knee until we know if the shoulder is cancer" episode. I could go back, but I have a sneaking suspicion what he will prescribe and my butt has been set on long enough.

Between my lack of movement and my ever present attempts at assuaging pain and stress through food, I have become everything I swore I would never be again. Now it's time to put up or shut up.

So, starting Sunday morning, I am going to put on my knee brace and walk. It won't be far or long, but it will be movement. I am going to see how far I can push my knee before it pushes back.

I don't have time to be complacent anymore. It is making me lack self-respect and not like myself, I thought that was over. But the self-loathing is now more painful than the knee, so one of them has to give.

Yours in re-dedication, Kate

Biggest Loser Update

My family is kicking ass in the competition. I am unbelievably proud of them.

Every one of them is making a great effort and losing weight. I have gained 5 pounds in the first two weeks of competition.

Yes, only I can challenge my family to a contest and then go out of my way to lose. But honestly, it has been the stress eating. Every little thing sets it off. The cancer scare, work situations, etc. And in the end, it's all a crap. I should be able to control my eating, I did it before.

Meanwhile, I have had to buy bigger clothes and currently tip the scale at 206. It's pathetic. I have to find an answer to this. I keep thinking I will find a few hours here or there to actually sit down and think it through. I have to make that happen or it may only get worse.

Yours in transition, Kate

I do NOT Have Cancer

That's right. I went to the Mayo Clinic (thanks to my parents and decent insurance) earlier this week and I do NOT have cancer. I hope to have time tomorrow to go into detail, but I wanted to get this posted first chance I got. (Two days after my return, I am way too flippin' busy.)

Yours in transition, Kate

Old Junk and New Resolve

Yesterday it looked like Donutland and a candy store exploded on the break room table. I gave in to all of my worst urges and ate plenty of it. However, it was with full knowledge that tomorrow is H-Day - Health Day.

It's back to best practices - 1. Eat better. 2. Exercise. 3. Think positively.

The breakdown:

1. I will have Lori's support and with the whole family doing the Biggest Loser contest, I will have help there too. Plus, I have been pretty public with this contest at work - I am hoping people will call me on it if they see me grazing at that evil back table.

2. I am going to start back up slowly at home. Once I have committed and done it on my own for a couple of weeks, I am going back to the gym. I am also adding trainer Traci back into the mix. With my knee being the way it is, I am struggling with what to do. I know swimming is an option, but it is also a pain in the butt. I tried getting a cap to keep my hair dry, but it doesn't work. I will just have to suck it up at some point or just swim on weekends when I have more time to get cleaned up. Another big problem I face there is I have grown out of my swim suit, so that may wait.

If anyone has cardio ideas that don't involve using my knee or getting wet, let me know.

3. This is the one I struggled with, even when I was in full-on healthy mode. Once you have been obese, you always feel like the fat girl. When you stagnate in the weight loss process, you beat yourself up. If you falter and overeat or, in my case, binge - you mentally tailspin. When I got near my goal weight, that finally slowed. But as my weight has skyrocketed, the mean words have come streaming back in.

I need to return the phrases - "I can do this", "That's great", "Wow" and "Good for me" to my arsenal of self-talk. It's funny, in every other area of my life I brag of being stubborn. I can make people crazy at times as I attempt things because I can. I have recently taken to reassuring family and friends that even if I have cancer, "I am too stubborn to go anywhere" - as in, I have no intention of dying.

I should be just as stubborn in this effort. Because obesity is just as life threatening as cancer, it just takes longer to kill you.

So, here goes. I will do this. I will be stubborn. I will win. I am resolved.

Resolutely yours, Kate

Happy New Year

I worked until 1 this morning and then went straight home to bed. At 9:45 the phone rang, it was my mom. She was wishing me a Happy New Year and plotting for the Biggest Loser contest, which starts on Sunday.

That was a good way to wake up, not that I couldn't have slept for a while longer. But I was glad to know my folks are getting excited. If we can maintain that through the first 45 days of the contest, the exercise and eating right will be habits and the other four and a half months should be a breeze. So to speak.

Right now I am at my Dad's waiting for him to get home from the hospital. I would like to note that it's obvious I got his knees. Anyway, I am here delivering the ice cream he brought for Christmas, of which there was plenty left and to help wrangle dogs. The ice cream had to leave my world.

I don't know if you've ever had major surgery, but dogs go ape when you get home after a few days. Add in the pain you are in and well, it's too much fun.

I think I heard the car door, better run.

Happy New Year, Kate