"Damn"

Wow, it's been over a week since I promised this story, so...

I had to go to the mall for that shin splint guard (which I am still using with success, by the way) and I decided to make a return at Lane Bryant. I had bought two new bras recently and while I have been wearing one daily, the other I had bought for "special occasions" and it had yet to be broken out.

Well, last week I realized the one I wear every day was getting loose, a remeasure told me I am about to transition down a size again. Not in cup size of course, god forbid that happen. I walked into the store seeking my new size and it turns out they do not have it in the store because it's considered small and is generally only available online. Do I want them to order of their website? Yes, please. This was one of those fabu moments of accomplishment, I am slowly moving out of being able to shop at Lane Bryant. Then she asks, do I want to look around before we finish the exchange? Sure, I always want to look around.

I wander. I do not find a lot and I am about to give up and head for the cash register when I spot this dress.

Now, I don't own a dress right now, I have given them all to charity because they no longer fit. This hasn't really broken my heart because I have a history of not looking the best in dresses anyway. However, I have two family weddings to attend this summer and while a dress has been given to me for one, the other has left me perplexed.

It's my brother Casey and his fiance Annette's wedding. It's at a city park, with the reception in a facility by the lake. While I knew I needed something nice, it is in mid-August in a park in Iowa, satin isn't going to cut it. Besides, I am photographing the wedding, so I will need to move about freely. Well, on the hanger, I thought this dress fit the bill so I grabbed it.

I got in the dressing room with the size 16 figuring it would barely fit and I would hate myself and go home. Instead I put it on and it fit perfectly and for the first time in 20 years I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "Damn". As in damn fine. I kind of stopped breathing for a second as I realized by the time the wedding rolled around I was going to need a size 14! I just kept repeating "damn" under my breath and nearly cried from disbelief and joy.

You see, despite watching the numbers fall on the scale, I still see myself the way I looked when this started. I have talked to a few other people who've lost substantial weight and they admitted to suffering the same problem. But I have concluded that when you have been overweight for more than half your life, it is going to take a while to see a new truth. The truth is, I am not going to be the "fat girl" forever and my skepticism will sooner or later be faced with an image in the mirror it can't deny. In the meantime I am looking forward to more "damn" moments to get me there.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 176 pounds (I weigh in tomorrow.)

38 Minutes

Last night was the night I was supposed to train with Gordon. His back was hurting, so he begged off. I sat at work staring out the window because that meant I would be on my own to run and I just wasn't feeling it. I had spent three days with little or no sleep and that seemed like a good enough reason to bag it for the night.

Then Marianne came in. She has been an amazing and supportive friend on this journey. I tell her Gordon is down for the count.

Marianne: "Are you still going to go?"
Me: (lackluster) "Sure," Marianne just smiled.

I finished up my work and she slid into place. I sat in the other side of the room and started to read the paper. It was the sports section regarding today's Indy Corn 250 at the Newton Speedway.

Marianne: "You big into racing are you?" she queried innocently.
Me: "Well, I grew up around it, so I am kind of interested in the big racers coming to Iowa," I answered with honesty. My dad races and so does Gordon and I am interested in anything that makes Iowa appear to the outside world as anything other than a place where corn grows and pigs poop. Yes, we have both, but we have a hell of a lot more!
Marianne: (smelling a rat) "You stalling are you?"
Me: (getting truly honest) "Yep, a little." Marianne just smiled. She didn't give a guilt inducing speech or remind me why working out was so important, she just let it lie there.

Five minutes later I was out the door.

I started out with the intent of walking/running 2 miles and not really killing myself to do it. (Gordon wasn't there to play drill sergeant.) Five blocks of fast walking in I started running and something weird took over. In spite of the thick air, it was SO humid, I quickened my pace. I ran longer and walked less. Before I knew it I was crossing the river bridge into the East Village. From work to the capitol and back is my 3 mile route. Somewhere along the line I had decided to go further.

I looked at my watch, I was also going faster. Darn fast for someone who hasn't been running that long. Plus the walking in between running spurts was faster than usual. I felt great and was in some sort of "zone" as I made the loop and headed back toward work.

38 minutes. That's how long it took me to do 3 miles. That works out to 12:40 a mile. That's nearly the pace I hope to run in October for the 5K.

Did it kick my butt? Yep. But I felt rockin'! Not only physically, but mentally. And amazingly, I don't hurt this morning. This is my first real sign, I can do this running thing.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 176 pounds

Running toward my goals

My day was redirected today when my step-mother called to say she had a migraine and could I keep Caelen tonight. Luckily for her the only must on my agenda was working out. Mind you I had no idea how I was going to cram that in with him along.

So I met my mom and step-dad for lunch with Caelen in a bit of a funk. Working out has become important to me mentally, as well as physically. (If you've been working out for a while, you know what I mean.) Well, they offer to take Caelen swimming that evening at the gym while I go upstairs and get in my workout.

It ended up working out well. We met them and Gordon and went on to the gym together. Mom and Bruce played with Caelen, who is becoming quite the swimmer for someone who isn't even 4.

Gordon and I went to the upper part of the gym with the machines and the track. I could tell that he really wanted me to run with him on the track, but something about that surface makes me a bit crazy. Though I did walk about a mile and a half on it, I got bored. So I headed for the treadmill, which I know is boring too, but I wanted a change.

I walked for a couple of minutes and then I did something I have been waiting for, I ran. Not just a block or two, but for 3/4 of a mile, non-stop, in 9 minutes. Then I cooled down with a walk and did a few leg machines, because I had already done my arms at home this morning.

I felt so empowered after the run. Now mind you, it was continuously flat terrain in air conditioning, so it was optimal. But I was impressed and damn it, that all that matters at the moment.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 176 (YES! I lost two pounds.)