Wednesday, May 30, 2007


I wish I were in Arizona, plateaus there are lovely, scenic and inspiring. But the one I am standing on is a number - 183 - and it's frustrating and ugly.

I weighed in this morning and for the third week in a row 183 appeared on my scale. I even did that thing you do when you are just sure the scale can't be right, I weighed in three times. No difference, 183. Every time I type the number I get more disgusted.

So, I am a pro-active girl and I love to fix things. To Google then to research...

I have come back with a conclusion, something is off. Every article talks about reducing your calories or increasing your workouts to break the plateau. I am already between 12-1300 calories, any lower and my body will really slow down. As for workouts, this last few weeks, as I have remained at the same weight, I HAVE increased the frequency and intensity of my sweat sessions. I am at a loss.

I have calls in to a nutritionist and my doctor. If I could afford a gym, I would have one in to my trainer too.

This whole thing, along with working ungodly hours right now, has me all droopy. Plus, it is raining, so a walk/run with my new bra is out, urk. I am going to go work on my core for a few minutes before I wake my nephew, maybe that will help. Hopefully it will clear off after I take him to his mom and I can hit the road.

Plateau be damned, I will do this.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 183 pounds (urgh)

Monday, May 28, 2007

Ready to Run

The last 24 hours have gone a long way toward following through on my stated plan to run a 5K in October.

First, I chose and registered for a race. It's the 5K that happens on October 21st in conjunction with the Des Moines Marathon. Here is the Des Moines Marathon site. So, I have plenty of time to train.

I will have at least one training buddy. I am excited to say that my brother Gordon will be joining me in the race. He, like every other member of my family, struggles with his weight. He is currently quite overweight and I have been trying to find gentle ways to get him motivated. I was VERY pleasantly surprised when I asked him if he would do this with me and he said yes. We will train separately and meet up once a week to run and keep each other on track.

Annette, my sister-in-law to be, will be running the half-marathon that day and my brother Casey, her betrothed, has decided to join her. So, it will be a real family affair. The only downside is we hoped to get Caelen, my 4 year old (by then) nephew, into the kids fun run, but you have to be 7. He's fast, he could probably beat them all in the 1/4 mile race, but I guess we'll never know. ;)

Second, I went to the mall today and purchased my heavy duty sports bra. I ended up, after seemingly endless research, going with the Enell. Honestly I was avoiding it because a number of celebrities had endorsed it, including Oprah. Now, while I completely respect and admire (and in some ways aspire to) all that Oprah has accomplished and does for the world, I was bristling at having her help me pick a sports bra. But the more I read, the more I was convinced that if you have an ample bosom this was the only realistic choice.

I tried it on, which takes some doing because it has like 15 hooks, all up the front and found it comfortable. I will say, despite knocking two cup sizes off of me to control "the girls", I didn't feel as confined and squished as I have in bras with less support. While I had it on I jogged really hard in the dressing room and got minimal bounce, I was impressed. The real test will be later in the week when I have enough time to take a run.

That's going to be my real challenge this week, finding time to workout. I work at 3:30 in the morning this week and then I have Caelen all day. He gets picked up about 5:30 p.m. and then, well I should probably should be winding down to go to bed at a decent time to start it all over again. But I am going to workout instead, I think. I just don't think I will work as hard this week, so that I am not flush with adrenaline when 8 p.m. rolls around. That's my self-imposed cut off to finally start heading for bed, since I have to be up by about 2:45 a.m.

Speaking of my lovely schedule I had better go eat so that bed will happen before 9 tonight.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 183 Pounds

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Feeling Fat

I weighed in on Tuesday and I hadn't lost any weight. I haven't posted because I didn't even want to type those words.

I am at a loss as to why the scale did not move. I ate exactly right and worked out like a fiend. Now mind you I did not gain at all, but still I am frustrated.

I am wondering if I am eating too well, as in keeping my calories too low for the amount of exercise I am doing. Am I causing my body to think it is starving and therefore it will hold on to what it has? Or is this simply an intermittent bump in the road where my body will take time to readjust to what I am doing? I am inclined to believe the later. But this is the first time the former could be true.

During this journey I have plateaued before. I looked back over my journal, there were even two periods where I sat at the same weight for three weeks. Just one thing, I wasn't working out when those happened and my eating wasn't that great. This time, I have an eating pattern that is nutritionally nearly perfect and I am moving my butt at every opportunity.

It has made me think of myself as disgusting for the first time in a while, I feel bloated and unsure. But one other thing has changed from my last negative bout with the scale, Luci (the evil voice) is barely registering with her sabotaging ideas. She of course believes I should have ice cream to drown my sorrows, "you can always start again tomorrow" she opines. Nah, I would rather spend my time trying to crack this nut.

Hy-Vee, a local grocery chain, has added a number of healthy services to their stores. One of them is on-staff nutritionists. I have written an e-mail to them to see if they can guide me on the whole - too few calories - thing. I have probably needed to sit down with a dietitian regarding my overall approach for a while, but I do not have the money. I am hoping to gather some information this way for free and go from there.

I have to find a way to be proactive in this situation. Otherwise I may go mad, while feeling fat and that would be a shame.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 183 pounds - Damn it.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Me and "the Girls" and this and that

I gave jogging a try the other night during my walk. It felt fine, my knees took the pounding well and everything, no soreness the next day. I really like the idea that I have come that far. Not that long ago, I couldn't have made it half a block. Saturday I ran a total of about 1/2 mile.

The breaker though was "the girls" they nearly knocked me unconscious. Refer to the girls however you will - nunga-nungas, bosoms, bazooms, tits or even dare I say, their proper name - Breasts. But I have to tell you, 38DD girls not properly restrained can beat you nearly to death.

So, further exploits in the world of running have been put on hold until this weekend when I get paid and can afford the right bondage. I seriously looked stupid out there bouncing around, my shirt even came flying up because everything was out of whack. Now, I do not usually care what people think of me on the street when I am working out, but I finally stopped running when even I became uncomfortable with the visual.

Oh well.

Yesterday I only had 30 minutes to cram in a walk, so I walked out the door vowing to make it to the Civic Center and back from work. That means I hit it hard, I even had a little strained look on my face ala Gerard Butler. I was able to walk the 1.8 miles in 28 minutes. That worked out to 15.5 minutes a mile. I was damn proud.

Getting ready to head out in a few minutes to put in a long walk. The route is a favorite, I go from home to Blockbuster to work to the library to the market and then home. It totals just over 4 miles. I am looking forward to it. However, I just stubbed my toe coming to the computer to blog; yes, I cursed, the nephew is gone. That's when Luci (remember the devil inside?) informed me that I should stay home and nurse it and of course, eat a cupcake to dull the pain. It's still twinging, but I am leaving the keyboard and going straight to change into workout togs.

By the way, finally took the time today to create a new workout playlist on my Zen, it's all Bon Jovi. :) Both "the girls" and I are very found of their bpm.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 183 pounds, though I weigh in tomorrow, so here's hoping.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

I have new friends...

They are my pelvic bones. I met them today, quite by accident.

I was doing my usual hands on hip thing to think in front of the computer. (You see, I stand instead of sit, to burn more calories.) Well, my left hand hit something. As I have lost weight I have become acutely aware of all kinds of bumps in my body, mainly fat lumps, but this one surprised me, it was hard. I had the passing thought that this indeed could be bone, so I poke myself in the same spot on the right hand side - bam there was one there too. Hot damn.

One problem, I haven't felt a pelvic bone on my body in nearly 20 years. I wasn't entirely convinced it was in the right place. So Google to the rescue. I pulled up pictures of female skeletons, pictures of discreetly nude women and art drawings. By god, they were right where mine are. I was floored.

Now I was reintroduced to my ribs a couple of months ago, but they were easy to figure out, they cover the lungs. To say I felt extremely remedial at needing to find pictures to be sure where a body part was, especially one of my own, is an understatement. But that didn't take away from the pure thrill of finding that under all of my fat I am anatomically correct.

I even called my mom, just to have someone to share the news with. Now, I am even more motivated to hit the streets tonight for my walk. I have decided that I am even going to try some light running interspersed with it.

I have actually been moving in some form all day, even before finding my new friends. I have stretched, done resistance, taken a short walk and now I am looking forward to hitting the streets for my long walk in about 2 hours. (I have to wait to get through work.) I feel like I am becoming a bit obsessed with exercise, but dear lord, if that becomes an addiction, I think it will all be okay.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 183 pounds

Thursday, May 17, 2007

A Long Walk with the Demon Inside

I took a LONG walk last night. Nearly four miles. I haven't walked that far in years. Part way through I wondered if it would burn me on the idea of walking, on working out. I have "hit it hard" in the past and regretted it the next day, sometimes that same night. It usually put me into a tail spin, my soreness or fatigue has been a great 'reason' not to do it again.

I tried to concentrate on the music in my ears, throbbing to overcome my doubts and rush hour traffic whizzing by. But no amount of Rihanna thumping "Pon de Replay" was cutting it. Your internal voice is always louder.

I could hear it working away, piece by piece. "This is going to hurt in the morning." "I think you are getting a blister." "That guy is staring, but not in a good way." "Feeling self-conscious huh? Maybe you should wear a sign that says, 'I have lost weight, no really'." "You could give up and call the roomie when you get to work." "Aren't you too thirsty to go on?" "I think you have to pee." Ah hell, "the voice" will try anything.

I have been trying to put a face on my negative voice today, I want to know who I am fighting. I thought maybe it was someone else, an ex who could never get past my weight or that heinous high school gym teacher we all had who would make you try to climb the rope and then snicker. Instead I have to admit, she looks like me, albeit done up a little on the "Bewitched" side of things. You know, I am Samantha, she is Sabrina. (Okay, I tried to find pics for an example, but there apparently are none and that is a little sad.)

Basically, to close the culture gap, Samantha was the good witch. Sabrina was the "bad" witch, always looking for an angle, she quantified temptation. Samantha was blond, Sabrina had black hair - because you know about those girls.

So, picture it, a 5'4", morbidly obese, pasty skinned, black haired, too much make-up, living breathing example of sloth. She is also happily wallowing atop a 10 foot tall wall of gourmet cupcakes. In one hand is the TV remote, in the other, a book full of highlighted excuses that have worked to take me off a healthy path before. She is sinister and yet, welcoming and reassuring, like any good devil. She and her cupcakes can make it all better. I have named her Luci, short for Lucifer, she is my personal demon.

I feel better now that I can pick her out in a crowd.

I also felt better after my walk last night. So ha! Despite Luci's best efforts to derail me, I walked hard and fast and far. I once again felt empowered, a word I am getting intimate with and that thrills me. This morning I was still great, so double ha! I think Luci is in for a tough time. {Insert evil laugh here...}

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 183 pounds - Yes, I lost 2 more pounds.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

300 and Gerard Butler's Thighs

So, you may remember my plan on April 28, I was going to meet my short-term weight loss goal and finally go see the movie "300".

Well, I hit that goal and then promptly got too busy to go to the movie. It ended its run here in town, because we have no second run theatres left in town. (I will save that rant for a different blog.) I was so disheartened because everyone had told me to see it on the big screen and this was supposed to be my reward, DVD just wouldn’t be the same.

This last Wednesday night I was reprieved. I found out that my favorite theatre; Merle Hay Cinema (largest non-IMAX screen in the state) was pulling it in for one week only. So Friday night, I grabbed my friend Linda and after a healthy dinner of veggie fajitas at Monterrey we headed over.

Review: It was visually stunning. Four minutes into the movie and I thought, "I have never seen a movie like this". I am a major film buff, so those thoughts are few and far between. It made me giddy and excited to watch the rest.

It did not disappoint. It was graphically violent and even, I suppose, a bit gory. But I am no fool, I knew what I was in for - it's a graphic novel. Linda however, despite my warning, still covered her eyes at the first flying body part. I don't know if that made me laugh, or because it was a "bad" guy paying the price I found the moment amusing.

Lena Headey was a wonderful Queen Gorgo, strong and she brooked very little B.S. Right up until she fell for Theron's (Dominic West) line about helping her. I felt like it was really out of character for her, she was smarter than that. As for West, he was once again a perfect snake.

The supporting cast of soldiers was really great. Special standouts for me were Michael Fassbender and Tom Wisdom. Vincent Regan also broke my heart as the Captain. David Wenham was his usual wonderful self. Wenham just dissolves into characters. His Dilios was my favorite character besides the "man himself", who I will cover in a moment. Wenham has this amazing voice that brings gravity, bemusement or disgust to bear within the first few syllables of a sentence. So casting him as the storyteller was brilliant.

The direction was pitch perfect, Zack Snyder loved his source material and had a vision that not only held to it, but enhanced its pedigree. Most of the film was shot in front of green screen, making the fact that it was visually sumptuous all the more remarkable. Major kudos to the visual effects artists who undoubtedly slept little during post-production. Snyder made a number of creatively risky moves along the way, but one stands out for me, he listened to his leading man when it came to King Leonidas.

Gerard Butler saw Leonidas as not just a leader, but also a presence. You needed to take one look at the King and think two things: Yes, men would follow him to their deaths and I hope I don't piss him off, because he could kill me with a look. Butler embodied every bit of that. He put himself through hell to get into astounding shape as I also noted in the blog entry referenced above. Physically you had no doubt that he would bring pain in battle. The slow motion shots, which were used to brilliant effect by Snyder, made Butler's (and the rest of the Spartan soldiers) body all the more important. You can see every muscle working in tandem to create powerful grace, even in the midst of slaughter. But being brutally built is not enough for a King.

Like with his portrayal of the Phantom in "Phantom of the Opera", Butler brings much more to the table than others might have thought to pack. His sad, sexy, slightly maddened by circumstance Phantom moved me to tears, again not easy to do, I'm jaded. He brought something to that role I don't think Andrew Lloyd Webber had envisioned. Now with Leonidas he delivers again. Yes, as a number of "professional" critics have noted, he nibbles on scenery occasionally. However, he brings depth to what could have been as one dimensional as the paper that "300" was printed on.

With a single glance you know what he is thinking. You feel his conflict without words and know that despite having been raised from birth to be a Spartan warrior, he feels deeply at leaving his wife and son. And though he is all bravado for his troops on the battlefield, he is keenly aware of their pain and sacrifice.

So, what about the Butler abs I waxed poetic about before, the ones that spurred my increased workouts? They were indeed awe inspiring, as were his thighs. I imagine there is quite a bit of power there. His almost obsession with becoming a perfect Greek figure paid off in spades. Though I understand his body hasn’t really been the same since due to injuries and over training. I thank him for his passion.

His passion has inspired me.

I am passionate too. I’m going for a walk now.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight – 185 pounds

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

I would never have believed it...

Today I did something that would have made me gripe and be in ample pain three months ago; I could never have done six months ago; would have killed me 9 months ago.

For Mother's Day my mom ordered herself 36 rose bushes, she said all she wanted from the three of us kids was for us to plant them. Now, I have two younger brothers who are big, strong guys, so this was going to be no problem. They would dig, I might bury them and someone else could come along to fertilize. Last night, in an otherwise unremarkable conversation with my, now week and a half post-op, Mom to check on her health, she mentions that the bushes have arrived early. (They were due late NEXT week.) So, my step-father, who has his own very serious weight problem, is going to plant them all, by himself. Uh, no. I ask Mom if he wants help, she says, "Sure, I think he would like that."

This morning I call over to see what time he is starting, I am informed - "When you get here". I load up the nephew and head over. When I arrive I find that my step-dad's not prepared for what lies before him, the digging is bothering his back and he can't kneel, because of old knees injuries exacerbated by his weight. So that leaves me to dig and his 81-year-old mom to bury the bushes. I am a bit surprised and in my head, I am freaked at the idea of digging all day, "Can I even do this?"

Meanwhile my Mom is trying to "help", which mainly involves me yelling at her to stop because she's going to tear her sutures. Ever the organizer, I know I need reinforcements and I whip out the cell phone. My brothers and soon to be sister-in-law are at 9-5 jobs. That leaves my trusty and EVER patient roomie, with the flexible job.

I call her and query, "Are you in the middle of anything Earth shattering?"
Her - "Why?" So suspicious.
Me - "Well..." I give her the lowdown.
Her - "I have to..." She went into a laundry list of things she needed to do for work and she still hadn't eaten.
Me - "So..."
Her - "I can be there in about an hour."

See, patient and a saint.

So, having dug places for and planted the first ten bushes, along the front, I take my now melting down nephew inside for food. (Men in my family should always keep their blood sugar up, it's a fact.) We will now eat and wait for Lori.

Ninety minutes later, (and yes I thought about calling to inquire as to where she was, but I didn't want to die) Lori arrived. She is like me, we met in politics, she wants to have a plan and tends to take charge. As we faced having to plant 26 more bushes in the backyard, she wanted to dig too.

Problem, only one shovel and by god, it's mine. So she decides to grab the large spade and take a swing.

Problem, the location where we are digging has been landscaped on three separate occasions in the 16 years my folks have lived there. There are layers of gravel, landscaping cloth and mulch to be dug through. After attempting to dig one hole Lori accepts that I will be shoveling.

Now, mind you, I have no idea why I wanted to be the one doing the physical part. Frankly, it's not like me. But something got into me today and I was empowered. The more I had to stand on the shovel to cut through the seemingly endless crap before me, the more I twisted and sweated and dug in, the more I wanted to do. It was this weird physical and mental challenge that had been thrust upon me. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I met it head on, no blinking.

So, I did it. I dug 34 holes today. They were 1.5 feet wide, 1.5 feet deep and round. And I didn't bitch, I just did it. I wasn't even in pain at the time. I know I am definitely going to feel it tomorrow, because I am a realist.

Right now though, I am feeling pretty great. I even enjoyed it a little. Don't ask, I have no idea.

So, here's to doing something you would never believe too.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 185 pounds (Yes, I only lost 1 pound this week and I wasn't even bad. Hopefully next week 2.)

Monday, May 7, 2007

Another Set of Inspiring Abs

As I have walked along this path to health and fitness, I have seized inspiration where it has appeared. I think of finding great quotes or pictures as serendipity. Now, I have been a Bon Jovi fan since the last time I weighed my goal weight, (I was 14) so my wanting to share the latest video from the band on my weight loss blog, while odd, is no surprise. But, believe it or not, there is a connection between Jon Bon Jovi and my ability to motivate myself.

That is indeed what is under his clothes and I am inspired. More importantly I was moved by a quote from him on working out. Alas, I have officially spent WAY too much time searching for it on the web to no avail, so I will not be sharing it. But, to paraphrase, it was something along the lines of working out being something you just do, like eating or breathing, it is a daily requirement of living.

Before that idea appeared, in whatever article, I had never even considered that concept. Workouts to me were a means to an end and one I hated. I had always considered them temporary and that when I had lost the weight, I could slow down to minimal. Now I realize, that's not an option. I am not in the midst of a "diet" or "exercise program", I am in the middle of life. And if I want this life to be long and fruitful, I had better be reasonable and make the changes (which are permanent)that are necessary for longevity.

So there you are, seek inspiration wherever you can, but don't be surprised if it pops up unexpectedly in your face.

Now here's the video that launched this post: (Please note the man still looks amazing at 45!)

'(You Want to) Make a Memory' Video - Bon Jovi - AOL Music: " "

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 186 pounds (Weigh in is tomorrow, here's hoping.)

Sunday, May 6, 2007

Please Don't Stare

I will now step on my soapbox with a public service announcement:

People stare. People talk.

When you are obese, this is a fact of life. You may not notice when you are gaining the weight, but once you have been living with it for a while, it becomes clear. They stare and comment out of disgust, disbelief, pity, ignorance. Well, as our moms taught us, it's rude to stare and if you don't have anything nice to say, keep it to yourself.

There are so many misconceptions about people who are overweight: we don't care about ourselves, we have no self control, we are unclean, we are ill-educated and we are blind and deaf. All right, I don't know if anyone consciously thinks the later, but it sure seems that way. Because people do stare and worse yet, they snicker and comment and make stupid cruel comments like they are on the playground. Remember, being overweight means you have big shoulders physically, emotionally it can still hurt.

{End commentary.}

Now I have to be honest, I find myself looking these days. (Though never staring.) You see, I have not quite equated my weight loss into a smaller mental picture of myself, so I spend a lot of time wondering. I wonder if the person I am glancing at is my former size and if so, I am glad I am not them. Of course, that makes me sad, because I know others have thought the same of me.

And then the caretaker in me comes out and I want to help them. But it doesn't really work that way. You have to make your own choice when it comes to making such a huge life change, it's just exactly like alcohol or drug addiction, it's a disease. People can tell you it's bad for you, but until you decide that it is, there will be no helping you. You have to help yourself.

Instead of trying to take people by the hand, I am becoming very public about my weight loss. I tell everyone about it and I encourage questions. Telling people does a couple of things - it makes me feel good, because I am proud of what I have done so far; it makes me publicly responsible for my choices and harder to fall back into old patterns; it hopefully inspires people to make the changes they need to make.

So, I talk too. But I don't point out other people's weight problems. I concentrate on my struggle and make it clear that I am willing to help anyone facing the same demons.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 186

Friday, May 4, 2007

My Butt on a Chair

I was sitting in the mall food court today with the nephew. Suddenly I noticed my butt now fits on the chair seat without any overflow, I even have a little wiggle room. I cracked a big grin. Chances are that means taking a plane will be easier as well. But it got me thinking about other small victories.

My stomach is now five inches back from the steering wheel in the car. My favorite position to sit in now is with my legs crossed, because I can. I forgot my cell phone yesterday and bound back up the three flights of stairs in our apartment building to retrieve it. It wasn't until I was back at the car that I realized I hadn't kevetched, I just did it. I now stand at the computer at work more than I sit, to burn more calories, before I would have been done after a half hour, max.

I know the list goes on, but that's the last 48 hours or so.

It puts me in a place of gratitude to everyone that has been so supportive on this journey, especially my roomie. But also, for maybe the first time ever, to myself.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 186

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Walk the Walk

Today I followed through on a promise I made myself some time ago. I swore that if it were nice, I had the time and there were daylight, I would walk to work from now on. I live a swift 15 minute walk away, (18 on the way back because of the serious hills) so there is no good excuse for using the car.

This was also going to be my only chance for cardio today. Much to my annoyance I sat and watched it rain as the afternoon drug on. I haven't made a commitment to rain gear yet, because I have just started walking outside. The rain turned to a drizzle and the temperature dropped below 60 as my nephew was picked up for the day and I stared out the window again.

Every good reason not to follow through pounded in my head: I will get soaked; these are brand new workout shoes; I can't work wet, I will catch a cold; if I have a bad experience this time, I won't want to do it again; I don't want to. All right, the last one isn't a good excuse, but it went though my head.

Then my roomie came home, I dawdled, talked to her, got dressed in my workout clothes and looked out the window again. The drizzle had lightened and my resolve was strengthened, it was time to suck it up. So I did. I grabbed an umbrella, in case of downpour and hit the streets. Though not before culling a promise from the roomie that if it was pouring too hard when I was ready to come back, she would come get me. (She's astoundingly patient.)

Now I am ready to do it all the time. It was fun and empowering. People looked at me a little strange, because though downtown is being rebuilt and is increasingly residential, residents still don't power walk in drizzle. But I did by god and I loved it. And I am glad I stopped listening to the wuss that resides in the old part of my brain.

I also used my new step-on tension band today. It was good, but I am going to have to research more exercises online, because the ones that came with will get old quick.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 186

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

10 Years Later

I did it!

When I weighed in yesterday morning, I had lost 2 pounds over this last week. That brings me to a total loss of 74 pounds. I am a bit stunned and frankly proud of what I have been able to do.

For the first time in a long time I am ready for more. More veggies, fruit and sweat. More walks and weights and new challenges. And despite some trepidation, I am ready to take off more weight.

Why fear? This is where I debate how honest to be, do I truly lay it on the line (in a public forum) or do I keep the truth to myself? I suppose, if I am going to be true to my mission statement, I had better be honest. So here they are, my two biggest concerns...

I don't know how to be "thin".

Men may be attracted to me again.

I know the first one could seem ridiculous to someone who has never been overweight, let alone morbidly obese as I was, but it is real to me. My weight gain started in 6th grade with my first period and the onset of undiagnosed depression. By freshman year of high school I was about five feet tall and 140 pounds, overweight. By early sophomore year I was five foot three and 195. By late sophomore year I had mono and dropped nearly 60 pounds.

I was slim and WAY too attractive to guys. I had lost everything except my genetically ample breasts. They used to sing a line from a song in "Carousel" about me, "June is busting out all over", ah, high school. My rocky relationships with guys seeking only one thing and my still unchecked depression sent my weight spiraling back up. By end of senior year I was 212 and humiliated at every turn by comments and stupidity. Wow, I have never written that down. That hurt.

So, I do not know how to be thin, I haven't been since I was a child and being thin wasn't a conscious thing, it just was.

Now, as I lose pound after pound I actually get butterflies a bit, thinking of being thin again and what it could mean. For now I am concentrating on how healthy I will be and the added shopping options. And I am trying to deal with the emotional as it comes. But it is not always easy, because not everyone understands. In fact, few people understand or at least want to admit it.

As for men finding me attractive again... In the middle of the last issue you may have noted the beginnings of this problem. When I lost weight in high school guys wouldn't keep their hands to themselves. I can name ten guys who, at parties, grabbed me and kissed me without provocation, telling me I was "hot". Then anytime I would drop 20 pounds or more in my 20's guys would play grab ass as well.

But as I weighed more men stopped thinking of me as a sexual entity and started listening to me and even respecting my opinion. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to be a piece of meat again. Admittedly there is a difference, today I would probably clock any clod that laid a paw on me without permission. (Though I really abhor violence. ;) )

Don't get me wrong, I love men and sex. (I think my last post proves that) That's just not all I am.

Hmmm... Looking back over this, I'll be even more honest, I don't know that I have ever said these things out loud to another person. So, I suppose it's appropriate that I am doing it silently except for the clacking on my keyboard. I also notice that this post doesn't just represent 10 years, it's more like 20. LOL.

Maybe this will help me resolve some of these issues once and for all.

Well, to end on a high note, I have been working out regularly again, as promised. Last night I bought a new resistance band and I am looking at which stability ball to buy. I am also considering a summer without an official gym. I think I will go it on my own.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 186