Sunday, August 12, 2007

Bad Men, Good Men

With all the changes of the last year, I am in a strange place in my life right now where I am calling into question even my most closely held concepts. The biggest one I am facing down at the moment is my view of myself. And since I cover that frequently here, I will instead look at the one that has me nearly as distracted lately; my thinking when it comes to men.

As any adult female, I have put myself out in the fray many times with males. Romantically, professionally and in friendship. I spent my teens and early twenties wandering about naively thinking that no one lied and men wanted what they said; despite numerous experiences that told me differently. (That's the naive part.)

The Bad:

Ten years ago three men stepped into my life. One romantic - Charmer; one professional - Martini; one friend - Ambition. (The names for all men in this post, good or bad, will be changed to protect the innocent and the not so much so.)

Ambition - I had a crush on Ambition, it turned into a raucous friendship and then one day he simply disappeared from my life. I know where he is, but he doesn't care where I am. We didn't have a falling out, he simply decided not to come around anymore.

Martini - We were both at a crossroads when we met. He wanted bigger and better, I wanted anything but what I had. I helped him make his goal a reality and he changed my reality. I was loyal to the very end when, in using bad advice, he decided to cut me out of the circle I had helped create. When I see him now, he tries to be kind. I can only hope, for his sake, that's because he realizes now what a mistake he made.

Charmer - I frequently try to give a short story when it comes to this guy, but honestly he's a long story. But for your sanity, here's a quickie: I met a young, impassioned and driven guy, I fell hard and fast. He had feelings for me as well, but couldn't get past my weight. Rather than wake-up and see how shallow that was, I tried and tried again to win him into a proper relationship. As my depression (which I have mentioned before) grew deeper regarding both this failing situation and life in general; I became shrew and bitter. The whole thing ended in one ridiculous blow-out after another. Despite the time that has passed he weighs heavy on my mind when I am considering any romantic entanglement.

The ensuing years... I have had a few good guy friends, no romantic links of any importance and I have been brutally guarded with everyone of the male species. The only men I have trusted in my life are family.

The Good:

This last year has changed so many things from my pant size to my willingness to take a chance and open up. I have been letting people closer to me again, not just men, everyone. But it's the men that have me everything from intrigued to lost right now, hence the blog.

Caelen - Well, you already know his name. He is innocent and bright and gives me great hope for the future. Every time I think I can't love, I look at him and my heart swells to prove me wrong.

Boss - Best boss I have ever had. He's smart, kind and actually cares. Not just professionally, though he has mentored me greatly and encourages me at every turn, but personally. If things are rough, he wants to help. He is a gift.

Afternoon - Our friendship has been slow growing and it gets better all of the time. He and I both have laundry to air, but never fear telling the truth. It's refreshing.

The old BGF - My best guy friend from high school and I have reconnected and he's just as great as I remember. Maybe even better because he, like me, is clearer on who he is; that makes everyone better.

College - I haven't known him that long, but he's wise beyond his age. He's quickly become a friend and sounding board. If he were ten years older, he would be quite dateable. ;)

Walking club guys - My walking club only has two regular members - two guys. I didn't see that coming. But these two men have become great friends. We are able to spend thirty minutes, two days a week, venting about work or life; it's nice.

Renaissance - We met because I was nosey and then met again by coincidence the next day. We've struck up a nice friendship. He is smart, funny, talented, sweet and has a killer smile. Life can be a nice surprise.

The other guys - there are a number of other guys at work or regular friends who have been great as well, but these are the highlights. And of course the men in my family are wonderfully supportive.

I have read back over this now and I believe I have made the point I thought I would. The quality of men in my life has improved. Not because I have lost weight, but because I have improved. My sense of other people in general has improved.

I used to frequently utter the phrase, "I hate men". I know now that wasn't accurate, I love men, always have. I just didn't like what I allowed them to do to me. That won't happen again because, I like me too much.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 163 pounds

Friday, August 10, 2007

Pushing myself

I have been so busy this week, that I am exhausted. Yet, I have only missed one workout and that was because it was raining. I am sitting here wondering how I have managed that. I fully remember a time when this week would have been too much to take.

I would have been too tired to function or ended up with a cold or (if I were even working out) I would have blown it off in the name of sleep. Instead I have gone to bed later than I should because I have been too jazzed from working out to sleep right away. Plus, I refuse to go to bed right after eating and I don't eat until after my workout.

Now I am staring down another week like this one and I am perplexed. I want to continue to do a great job at work, I have to workout (that's non-negotiable) and I need a few minutes for me. While I was caring for Caelen I was able to balance my life better, even the past few months as it has become busier.

I think I am so obsessed with work right now because all of the changes here. I am really hoping to find full-time employment out of a tumultuous situation. But I know I need to find a way to make this long-term if that is my interest.

So, I need to become more pro-active in setting limits and meeting my own needs. And be more gentle when I am pushing myself.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 163 pounds

Wednesday, August 8, 2007


Sorry, I haven't posted, working seven days a week has begun to take its toll. I will muddle through though, I need the money. I will find my footing and balance, it's just taking a bit longer than I would like.

One side benefit of working has been people seeing me in public more often. That has led to compliments due to my weight loss, lots of them.

The problem is, I am not used to so many kind words about my appearance. People have always liked my work, often glowing about my abilities. But the best anyone could come up with about how I looked was, "You have such a pretty face". LOL. Then the truly tactless would follow it up with, "Now, if you'd just lose weight...".

I used to poo-poo people when they would pay me any compliment. I would down-play comments or offer up reasons why that might be true, but this other thing was wrong. A while ago I trained myself to take the kindness and say thank you; even if inside I do not agree.

Lately though, I can almost believe the things people are saying. I do look better than I have in years, about 20 years to be precise, at least as far as my body goes. (Lack of sleep is taking its toll on my face though, I look worn out. Proof of that was 3 seconds of me on Fox News at 9 the other night.)

As far as my body, I have a ways to go. Yet I am more confident than ever that I will reach my goals and be healthy and strong for the rest of my life. And that's the greatest compliment I could ever pay myself.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 163 pounds (Yes, I lost 3 pounds, hot damn!)

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Gerard Butler Continues to Inspire

The movie "300" came out on DVD this past Tuesday. I grabbed it from the shelves at Target that evening. The movie is awesome, if you like action, and I love it. But it fueled a different passion in me when it hit theatres in March. After learning what the actors, especially star Gerard Butler, had done to ready for their roles, I was inspired, even in awe.

For what would be short term gain, they put their bodies through hell. It paid off in spades on screen, every muscle moves and you see it, it's really phenomenal. Long term, Gerard did some permanent damage to his body with overtraining.

The reasons he continues to inspire me are: his passion in accomplishing what he did and his passion for life; the fact that he is realistic and recognizes that his extreme change could not be permanent; and his wonderful sense of humour through the whole process.

I am passionate, sometimes too much so; constantly seeking my new and ever changing reality; and if I didn't keep my sense of humour during all of this, I would be in serious trouble.

So, here is a reminder of how I felt about the movie:My "300" Review. I highly suggest you pick it up when you can, even if you just rent it.

Right now I am going to go do a screening in the conference room for our company's interns. Hey, just trying to pass on the Inpiration.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 166 pounds

Saturday, August 4, 2007

A Long Week

Posting has been on my mind every day this week. I enjoy it and it can be very carthatic. But this week got away from me because a lot happened.

It was my last week with Caelen. I spent every moment on the go with him, so we didn't waste the time we had. We had a lot of fun. I love him so much, the next few weeks will be hard, as I get used to being without him. I am going to have to figure out my schedule so I can pick and afternoon to grab him from school once a week. That way we can have a "date" as Annette has suggested.

We have been so close, I do not want to lose that relationship. I hope to maintain it throughout his life. I hope to be the person he comes to when there are things he can't tell his mom and dad. I think it will take due diligence so that I do not get swept away in being busy with a job, but he is and will always be, a priority for me.

The other reason the week has been long is because I have worked every day. A friend and mentor of mine was let go at work and I have been put in the appreciated, but uncomfortable position of taking over her duties. Everyone, well almost everyone, has been supportive and knows that this was a corporate decision and I had nothing to do with it. Even she has offered up her support, saying if they fill her job, I deserve to have it. That typifies who she is, kind and selfless. It was a real blow to everyone when they showed her the door. I am still a bit in shock. I have been interested in a job like hers since I was in high school, but I am not the kind of person that would walk over anyone for a promotion and certainly not a friend.

The night she was let go I was too tired and sad from the stress of the situation to workout. So I went to bed early. Which is pretty much a requirement of filling in for her anyway. I have to be at work at 4 a.m., Monday through Friday. I have not done that regularly in years and then I was younger. So I am going to have to figure out how to make it work. Then again, the position is not necessarily mine permently, so we will see what the future holds.

I have still been finding time for workouts the rest of the week though. And while I faced stress, I was able to stare down pizza, scones and a number of other "naughty" things and win. Therefore, weight loss wise, it was a good week, despite not losing any weight as of weigh-in on Tuesday. Oh well, another Tuesday is right around the corner, in the midst of another long week.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 166 pounds