When Do I Want to Get Honest?

I split the butt out of my cheap panty hose today. The liar in me is happy to stress the 'cheap' part. The honest person, that I know is hiding in there somewhere, knows damn well why the poor spandex infused nylon gave up - stress. Funny, I think the panty hose and I have something in common.

I have given up to stress as well. For months I have been eating and letting mental anguish beat me rather than fighting back. It has been easier to lay back, let insanity wash over me and cram it into my soul with cookies and a glass of milk.

When they put me on the 'sedentary' track for my knee, I was determined that wasn't going to lead me further astray. Alas, bullshit that isn't followed up with bravado is as useless as, well hell, I can't think of any clean examples. Suffice it to say, it won't get you very far.

I haven't been to my ortho since the whole, "we won't touch your knee until we know if the shoulder is cancer" episode. I could go back, but I have a sneaking suspicion what he will prescribe and my butt has been set on long enough.

Between my lack of movement and my ever present attempts at assuaging pain and stress through food, I have become everything I swore I would never be again. Now it's time to put up or shut up.

So, starting Sunday morning, I am going to put on my knee brace and walk. It won't be far or long, but it will be movement. I am going to see how far I can push my knee before it pushes back.

I don't have time to be complacent anymore. It is making me lack self-respect and not like myself, I thought that was over. But the self-loathing is now more painful than the knee, so one of them has to give.

Yours in re-dedication, Kate

Biggest Loser Update

My family is kicking ass in the competition. I am unbelievably proud of them.

Every one of them is making a great effort and losing weight. I have gained 5 pounds in the first two weeks of competition.

Yes, only I can challenge my family to a contest and then go out of my way to lose. But honestly, it has been the stress eating. Every little thing sets it off. The cancer scare, work situations, etc. And in the end, it's all a crap. I should be able to control my eating, I did it before.

Meanwhile, I have had to buy bigger clothes and currently tip the scale at 206. It's pathetic. I have to find an answer to this. I keep thinking I will find a few hours here or there to actually sit down and think it through. I have to make that happen or it may only get worse.

Yours in transition, Kate

I do NOT Have Cancer

That's right. I went to the Mayo Clinic (thanks to my parents and decent insurance) earlier this week and I do NOT have cancer. I hope to have time tomorrow to go into detail, but I wanted to get this posted first chance I got. (Two days after my return, I am way too flippin' busy.)

Yours in transition, Kate

Old Junk and New Resolve

Yesterday it looked like Donutland and a candy store exploded on the break room table. I gave in to all of my worst urges and ate plenty of it. However, it was with full knowledge that tomorrow is H-Day - Health Day.

It's back to best practices - 1. Eat better. 2. Exercise. 3. Think positively.

The breakdown:

1. I will have Lori's support and with the whole family doing the Biggest Loser contest, I will have help there too. Plus, I have been pretty public with this contest at work - I am hoping people will call me on it if they see me grazing at that evil back table.

2. I am going to start back up slowly at home. Once I have committed and done it on my own for a couple of weeks, I am going back to the gym. I am also adding trainer Traci back into the mix. With my knee being the way it is, I am struggling with what to do. I know swimming is an option, but it is also a pain in the butt. I tried getting a cap to keep my hair dry, but it doesn't work. I will just have to suck it up at some point or just swim on weekends when I have more time to get cleaned up. Another big problem I face there is I have grown out of my swim suit, so that may wait.

If anyone has cardio ideas that don't involve using my knee or getting wet, let me know.

3. This is the one I struggled with, even when I was in full-on healthy mode. Once you have been obese, you always feel like the fat girl. When you stagnate in the weight loss process, you beat yourself up. If you falter and overeat or, in my case, binge - you mentally tailspin. When I got near my goal weight, that finally slowed. But as my weight has skyrocketed, the mean words have come streaming back in.

I need to return the phrases - "I can do this", "That's great", "Wow" and "Good for me" to my arsenal of self-talk. It's funny, in every other area of my life I brag of being stubborn. I can make people crazy at times as I attempt things because I can. I have recently taken to reassuring family and friends that even if I have cancer, "I am too stubborn to go anywhere" - as in, I have no intention of dying.

I should be just as stubborn in this effort. Because obesity is just as life threatening as cancer, it just takes longer to kill you.

So, here goes. I will do this. I will be stubborn. I will win. I am resolved.

Resolutely yours, Kate

Happy New Year

I worked until 1 this morning and then went straight home to bed. At 9:45 the phone rang, it was my mom. She was wishing me a Happy New Year and plotting for the Biggest Loser contest, which starts on Sunday.

That was a good way to wake up, not that I couldn't have slept for a while longer. But I was glad to know my folks are getting excited. If we can maintain that through the first 45 days of the contest, the exercise and eating right will be habits and the other four and a half months should be a breeze. So to speak.

Right now I am at my Dad's waiting for him to get home from the hospital. I would like to note that it's obvious I got his knees. Anyway, I am here delivering the ice cream he brought for Christmas, of which there was plenty left and to help wrangle dogs. The ice cream had to leave my world.

I don't know if you've ever had major surgery, but dogs go ape when you get home after a few days. Add in the pain you are in and well, it's too much fun.

I think I heard the car door, better run.

Happy New Year, Kate

New Yous Eve

This is the night we revel in the year past and plan for the year ahead. If we don't down too much champagne, sometimes we even recall those resolutions. Sometimes, if the planets align and the willpower steels, we will actually follow through.

The past:

2008 was a year of the highs and the middling lows. Nothing spectacular happened, nothing disastrous happened. It was just a year.

The highs included my family, the front end of the year with my health, my accomplishments with flood coverage and not having breast cancer.

The latter half of the year was a bit of a mess.

The dating life died, the weight came back on, work stressed me to the max, my knee injury ended my daily workouts and I am again facing the possibility of cancer.

The future:

2009 will be better. I will be better.

Even if the tumor in my humerus is cancer, I will beat it. I am stubborn and strong, stronger than cancer.

I'll take the weight off again. I will win the Biggest Loser contest in my family and spend the kitty on fabulous new clothes or a long overdue weekend away.

I will make work work for me.

I am going to be more me in 2009. That will probably mean dating will end. I'm only half kidding. I put men off. I don't know if it's simply a case of I have bigger balls than they do or what. But they don't even bother approaching me. Oh well, there loss. (Now I will work on meaning that.)

Find more ways to spend time with Caelen. He is my heart. He rocks. I love him.

Those aren't really resolutions, those are actualities. My resolutions are much more mundane and less life altering - write more paper notes, get out of the state (even for just two days), keep my car cleaner, clean the house once a week (I think there is a theme), wear more color.

So here's to you and whatever your New Yous Resolutions are - may you stand strong against the past and forge ahead to an amazing 2009.

Yours in transition, Kate

The Stubborn Doesn't Fall Far from the Tree

So, as I have noted (many times) my knee is screwed up. I waited too long and then finally went for assistance.

Now my mom screwed up her knee (ironically doing yoga) and she has yet to seek help. In fact it has been over six weeks and she is in real pain. So much pain that she has canceled Sunday dinner at her house - that is never done.

I have pushed, cajoled and harped on her about getting real help. She finally gave in and went to the chiropractor. However, she says it is catching, so I guarantee she needs to follow my lead and see an orthopedist. She hasn't because she doesn't want to face another surgery.

While I can definitely relate to that, I also know if this was me - she'd drag me to the doctor.

She's trying to pull rank, one of those 'do as I say, not as I do' moments. But she's forgotten something - I'm her daughter, she taught me to be stubborn. I will get my way, even if it takes time. ;)

Yours in transition, Kate