Where Did 2010 Go?

I have been working away today on the January/February issue of !ntuition Magazine.  As in 2011.

It hadn't really sunk in until a little while ago when a friend shot me a "Happy New Year" as she headed to Barbados to celebrate a belated honeymoon.  Wow. Yep, Saturday is a whole new year.

It's now weighing heavily on my mind.  Not so much what I didn't accomplish (which was plenty), but what I need to do, to make sure 2011 is better.  And by better I am talking about, more meaningful.

I spend many days working away, not really having a life, doing what I need to do to get by - we almost all do this.  I want that to change in the New Year.  I will do what I need to, but I will also address the wants.  The wants that have a positive effect outside myself will take priority and that will feed my soul - as I mentioned yesterday, it's one of the keys to survival.

In the end, it doesn't matter where 2010 went, so much as where I am going in 2011.

Yours in Health,
Kate

The Proper Care and Feeding of Your Soul

This was the post I was planning for a week ago last Saturday, before being side tracked by the 'ick'. 

Throughout the holidays we talk about food.  We eat too much, we want to try a recipe, someone brought cookies again, we giggle at Aunt Mable's annual fruit cake and we are thrilled with chocolate delights.  In fact, as most of our butts and thighs can attest, we are awash in a sea of fat and carbs from November to the New Year.  While these meals and treats feed our stomachs, we miss the most important thing - nourishing our souls.

We rush through life, especially the holidays - shopping and working and parties and cards - hoping all the while, we will have it done on time.  Sometimes losing our minds a little in the process and mostly missing the point of the season.  It doesn't matter your religion - the end of the year is about reflection, appreciation and grace.

Without a doubt you reflect on where you came from - your family, a favorite Christmas, your first game of dreidel or when you first celebrated Kwanzaa.  Perhaps you take the time to bake cookies for the teacher or mail carrier to express appreciation.  But do you embrace grace?

Grace has many forms, as you can see in this link.  

Grace is the one that matters most, it is becoming the embodiment of the goodness you seek in the world.  We all crave favor, kindness, friendship and forgiveness.  Yet, can we expect this to befall us if we aren't willing to endow these things just as freely?  The short answer of course is 'no'.

The full response takes years to unfold and embody.  It's a personal journey toward letting go and being willing to grow.  However, all of the pains we take are washed away as little lessons are learned and it quietly gives sustenance to our soul.  And that's what I want to impart this holiday season.

I am not perfect, in fact it's a daily struggle with my imperfections. (Hence the blog.) Still, I try to keep my eyes open and be trained by the universe to soak up what I need to improve in any way I can.  I know what you are thinking, "Okay all knowing one, how is this 'feeding of the soul' done?"

I'm but an apprentice, but I do have a few ideas: 

• Send an unexpected card or make that call you have been putting off.  Imagine the relief from years of pressure brought on by the unknown.
• Reach out to someone you don't even know.  A random act of kindness gives the feeling of accomplishment all day.
• Go overboard on a gift for that friend who has had a rotten year and be sure the note with it promises you're going to be there whether it gets better or not.
• Read to someone.  It can be a child, an ill friend or a senior at the local care center.  A warm voice can move anyone from despair.
• Give to a charity that touches your heart.  And if you can, give your time too.  Even $5 makes a difference and hours are worth more than money.
• Say 'please', 'thank you' and 'I love you'.  Simple words that will be shared in an endless chain.

I know you have many other ideas for becoming more graceful.  Put them in words, pass them on, but mostly do them.  And then see just how nourished your soul can really be. 

Yours in Health,

Kate

Stopping Talking About Me That Way!!!

Of course, I am referring to myself.  My attempts at being positive and shiny about who I am have died a horrible death under the weight of my self-hatred.  At least I am assuming I hate myself because I say awfully mean things.
I say things like, "Why would anyone look in the window to see skinny Lori at home when they might go blind catching me naked?"  "I was really sweating in there and it wasn't just a fat girl thing, the rail-thin woman was about to pass out."  Add nauseum or is it nausea?  Because that is what I am doing, making myself sick with my own vitriol.

Maybe that is why I am not feeling well physically, because I am sapping all of my physical energy with mean spirited b.s.  This has to change.  I need to go back to journaling and blog more regularly so the kind words and appreciation of myself return.

And I need to deal with my knee and get back into the gym and take action.  Ultimately that and healthier eating are the keys to happier Kate, one that will turn her negative language upside-down.

Yours in Health,
Kate

Rain, Rain, Go Away - And don't come back for at least two weeks

I have been in a bit of a funk this week. (I hate being a girl - though only for one week now and then. ;)  )  Not sleeping well, my knee hurting and a feeling of loneliness combined with the rain and I am just a bit of a mess.

That being said, I believe I am muddling through relatively well.  With the exception of yesterday, I have been able to muster a smile and a can-do attitude, as usual. 

But the rain, as it pounds away on the skylights at the office tonight, is wearing on me.  Every drop, every melted snowflake draws the flooding closer.    In fact, we are due to get some form of rain every day until at least Sunday.  Our rivers are already swollen and set to rise above flood stage in key locations over the weekend.  We are already under flood warnings for low lying areas of the Raccoon and Des Moines Rivers and a flash flood watch for all others. But if the rain doesn't abate, it could get much worse.

I bought supplies today in case a few key employees have to spend a few nights here keeping the public aware of flooding concerns.  I have been through this before, luckily this time though I have my partner-in-crime, Jay, to take some of the burden. 

Still, my mind is not far from Bill Stowe and all of the area public works people who are tasked with keeping us safe.  I imagine it feels pretty lonely for them as well, standing and staring at dikes and looking for water measurements and wondering what's next.  This thing could go either way.

Here's hoping the sun will shine come Sunday and stay that way dawn to dusk for the proceeding couple of weeks.  It will dry out the land of Iowa and my attitude.

Yours in health,
Kate

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

When I get ready in the morning I look in the bathroom mirror to make sure my hair has not run amok.  When I get dressed in the morning, I glance at the full-length mirror in my room to be sure I am not horribly disheveled.  Yesterday I was clothes shopping and looked in the mirror and finally saw me - all of me.

I had caught a glance of myself on TV the other night after the Fight for Air Climb.  I instantly recognized my shapeless body with the blue shirt.  It made me a bit queasy.  But yesterday in nothing but bra and panties I looked again.  I was a bit shocked. 

You look a certain way in your mind's eye.  As you gain weight you let that picture gain weight too - just not nearly at the same rate as reality.  I had the same problem as I lost weight.  In my head I was bigger than the body in the mirror.  Even at my lowest weight, I was 'fat'.  I'd like to be that 'fat' again.

As I sat on the bench in the dressing room last night I stared in disbelief and sadness.  When did this happen?  When did I stop caring enough to do something?  When will I fully embrace change and do something again?  Or maybe I am doing something right now.

Yours in health,
Kate

Flowers Make Me Happy

Last Friday I got flowers from my job.  It was a thank you for my work on Hearts for Homes, which I will give a full update on next week. 

Every time I look at them I am happy.  Not just because it was a great way to show their appreciation, but they are a respite from this awful winter.  They really are a living example of positive mental health.  And really, any time anyone wants to give me flowers, they will give me a smile that will last so long.

When they were fresh I took a picture and turned it into a painting on Photo Shop to make them last forever.  Here it is, I hope it makes you smile too.

Yours in health,
Kate

A Little Bit of Spring Makes Everything Better!

We shot the cover for the next edition of !ntuition Magazine last Thursday.  It put me in the best mood in quite some time.  We went to the Botanical Center and took pictures inside the show house.  In the end it doesn't look like the Bot Center so much as she is working at a table in her back yard.

The beautiful Stacy Lovan (one of LITE 104.1's Outstanding Women) is our cover model.  Stacy was dressed in spring colors, we had her potting plants and I bought tulips because the ones at the Bot hadn't bloomed yet.  Paige Peterson was our photographer and she has captured the most colorful, hopeful images I have seen in a long time - and that's exactly what I wanted.

When you look at the pictures of Stacy you feel like our Iowa winter might actually abate at some point.  Literally hope springs eternal with these shots, I can't wait to share with all of you when the magazine hits stands in the second week of March.

The biggest thing that caught all of our attention though, besides the great pictures, were the tulips.  I had bought two sets and we took four and put them in the dirt, so they looked like they were coming right out of the pot.  By the end of the shoot the flowers had opened up.  They had bloomed while we were busy concentrating on the look we wanted.

We all smiled and laughed and realized we had bloomed a bit too.  We were all in a better mood after the warmth of the Bot and even the humidity.  It was so refreshing, I highly recommend a visit when you think you can't take one more minute of this winter.

I also recommend tulips.  I sent the purple ones home with Stacy as a thank you and I kept the yellow ones.  They are cheery and bright and give me a sense that not all has been lost to ice and snow.  People at the office are stopping to look for that same reason.  This little bit of spring has definitely made me happier.

Yours in health,
Kate

Here is a picture of the tulips I took with my phone (not great quality, but you get the idea):

Hiding in Plain Sight

I'm not sure what, specifically, set off this latest round of self-destructive behaviour. But I seem to have gone beyond simple gluttony to self-loathing.

I met with my counselor lat week for the first time since the beginning of the year and admitted things I had on been suspecting. I'm really angry with myself. I have officially gained back half of what I had lost.

I am a bad example to everyone, including myself. They say you cannot unlearn things, but I have been giving it my best.

So, because I am not exactly upbeat right now and I need to reset everything (and not just say I am). I am putting my blogging for this site on a sort-of hiatus.

If I truly have a break-through or really go back down the road where I need to be, I will post. For now I just feel like I am a drag and downer, who wants to read that?

Thank you to everyone who has been supportive. I will be back when I can be that way again for myself.

Yours in appreciation, Kate

My Yard as My Gym

Today I did battle again with the bushes that had over run the front of my house. With an improved choice of weapon, I came out the victor. FYI - loppers are the tool to take down bushes that have grown to over 5 feet tall and 30 feet wide, not hedge clippers, they will die.

Working in the yard is not only good for my physical health, but my mental health. When I cracked those sticks with the loppers, I used agression, pain and forethought. I made those bushes that were hiding my house pay for being intrusive. And I made them pay for everything else anyone had done to me this week.

I let go though yard work. Tomorrow I hope to get off early from work and do it again. In fact, I hope to spend the entire summer letting go through grooming my little corner of the world.

Yours in health, Kate

Looking at the Bottom

Yesterday hurt a lot. Mentally, physically, emotionally. It all felt like too much.

Exhaustion, anger, depression. All effects of my life out of control.

Too much work, which I can't change because everyone is working hard - we all need our jobs.

The cracked heart that I have only just admitted I have.

The lack of a life.

My depression sneaking back in.

My health sliding.

I realized this afternoon, I don't have control over some of this. But I do have control over the last two. Gratefully I was on the treadmill when I came to this conclusion. And I had already called about a counseling appointment.

The nice thing now is that when I get near bottom I recognize it.

Yours in health, Kate

Old Junk and New Resolve

Yesterday it looked like Donutland and a candy store exploded on the break room table. I gave in to all of my worst urges and ate plenty of it. However, it was with full knowledge that tomorrow is H-Day - Health Day.

It's back to best practices - 1. Eat better. 2. Exercise. 3. Think positively.

The breakdown:

1. I will have Lori's support and with the whole family doing the Biggest Loser contest, I will have help there too. Plus, I have been pretty public with this contest at work - I am hoping people will call me on it if they see me grazing at that evil back table.

2. I am going to start back up slowly at home. Once I have committed and done it on my own for a couple of weeks, I am going back to the gym. I am also adding trainer Traci back into the mix. With my knee being the way it is, I am struggling with what to do. I know swimming is an option, but it is also a pain in the butt. I tried getting a cap to keep my hair dry, but it doesn't work. I will just have to suck it up at some point or just swim on weekends when I have more time to get cleaned up. Another big problem I face there is I have grown out of my swim suit, so that may wait.

If anyone has cardio ideas that don't involve using my knee or getting wet, let me know.

3. This is the one I struggled with, even when I was in full-on healthy mode. Once you have been obese, you always feel like the fat girl. When you stagnate in the weight loss process, you beat yourself up. If you falter and overeat or, in my case, binge - you mentally tailspin. When I got near my goal weight, that finally slowed. But as my weight has skyrocketed, the mean words have come streaming back in.

I need to return the phrases - "I can do this", "That's great", "Wow" and "Good for me" to my arsenal of self-talk. It's funny, in every other area of my life I brag of being stubborn. I can make people crazy at times as I attempt things because I can. I have recently taken to reassuring family and friends that even if I have cancer, "I am too stubborn to go anywhere" - as in, I have no intention of dying.

I should be just as stubborn in this effort. Because obesity is just as life threatening as cancer, it just takes longer to kill you.

So, here goes. I will do this. I will be stubborn. I will win. I am resolved.

Resolutely yours, Kate

Another Ten Days Lost

Wow. I didn't realize I had let another ten days slip away without posting. I'm sorry.

I have been wrapped up in my health. Last time I posted I was holding back. Here's the lowdown, by body part:

Lungs - steroid inhaler seems to be doing the trick. I ran up the stairs earlier this week without thinking and didn't end up with sharp stabbing pains or a total loss of breath. Yea!

Knee - It's sore. The more I use it and get back to walking a lot at work and slide back into working out, the more it will. I am going to the gym to ride the bike in the morning. I am going to combine physical therapy and pushing it by working out. I want to see where the knee really is when I go back to the ortho on Christmas Eve. I really want it to be good and avoid surgery, exploratory or other. There's a Power Climb to do in February!

My shoulder - This is what I didn't mention. When they did the chest x-ray, which came out fine, they spotted a shadow on my right shoulder. I went back for a series of x-rays on it and they found I have a growth in the top of my humerus. An MRI later and they say it's either enchondroma (non-cancerous) or chondrosarcoma (cancer). The initial reports now say it is most like not cancer. I'll get the final say, they think, on the 24th when I go to the ortho for my knee - he's looking at my shoulder too.

But to be frank, this is my second cancer scare in a year. Earlier in the year it was a lump in my breast.

With my mental state frayed from all the changes this year it really got to me. Then I had to tell my mother, which I wasn't going to do until I had a final diagnosis, and she got really upset. That in turn amped me up.

Finally she took us both to have massages. That helped recenter us both I think.

Now here I sit after having worked all night, about to go put in another hour. I am tired. Not just from today, though there are good reasons for that. Just tired of feeling like a broken toy.

Since June my body has felt like it wants to fight me at every step. I am losing patience.

Yours in transition, Kate

Rolling on

I am back at work today for the first time in 10 days. I was technically on vacation, but with the move and the holiday, it didn't really feel like it. Plus, my ongoing battle with the blues.

To that point, I have made an appointment to see a counselor to try to hash this out. I am not really a whiner and I have a horrible time feeling like I can lean on other people, even if they offer. So, if I am actually paying someone, maybe it will make me feel freer.

Otherwise, I have made a vow to go back to the gym this week. I also have to make an appointment for PT for my knee. I have a month until I go back to the doctor, want to see if I can make some progress.

Also, going to my regular doc today to talk about my breathing problem. I will hit more on that tomorrow, but it's not just because I have gained weight back. I know there is something more.

Wow, apparently I personally plan to help the medical community in Des Moines pay for a happy holiday. :)

Yours in transition, Kate

Where the Hell Have I Been?

24 days. That's how long it has been since my last post.

In that time we have elected a new president, my job has changed again, I have gained more weight, my knee injury is only slightly better, I have moved into my new house and I have come to the conclusion it's time to seek help.

Well, geez. I wasn't really going to talk about that last one. But I will in a minute because apparently I need to. First - the other things.

A new president - The election sucked away my time, as expected. I ate poorly and exercised, not at all.

My job - It's complicated, as usual. I will again be making a transition because it's best for the team. I have no idea whether it's best for me or not, I've had no time or inclination to think about it.

The weight - I am attempting to eat my emotions away. One cookie, cake and sub sandwich at a time, hoping to assuage my pain, so far, it's not working for crap.

My knee - I had an MRI. There is a tear in my cartilage, but it's not where it should be causing pain. They would like to do exploratory surgery. I am giving it another couple months of therapy and then reassessing. I have this thing about knives.

My new house - That's what sapped my time after the election. I had to pack and plan and execute a move. Everything went almost exactly as planned - right up until we landed with the first truckload last Saturday and one half of the former owners was still moving out. I kind of saw it coming though and rolled with it. The way I have been feeling lately, that was kind of a little miracle. Anyway, just in the unpacking phase now. Next week is about creating a list of projects and putting together a five year plan for remodels and renovations.

My mental health - I have eluded to it here on the blog for months. Things have been falling to pieces inside my head. I am at the point where I feel like I can't deal with them alone. I will be seeking counseling next week.

I think a lot of things have lead to this point, again. And all of the reasons above, as well as my continued crap luck with men have been a catalyst. That last part pisses me off the most. That I would let anything any man might do affect my mental health or eating habits makes me angry, mostly at myself. Once more I have fallen into a spiraling pattern of pain and self-loathing.

I will NOT let this happen. It is not o.k. to be in pain. It is not o.k. to eat myself back to morbidly obese. This will get better.

The difference now is that I recognize these patterns. That means, when I do walk into a counseling session, I will be ready to be helped and that is half the battle.

Yours, getting back into the saddle, Kate

A new coat of paint

Not for a room in my house to be. (That will all come soon enough.) But one for me.

I have been in a funk for a while and while I am slowly lifting out of it, my mom is helping me take a big leap forward tonight. She is popping for me to have my hair done.

It's been over 8 months since my last hair cut. At the time it was winter, so I had some low-lights put in. Now, my hair is thick with summer blond. And I didn't use an SPF shampoo, so it's also sun-damaged from my many summer runs.

My hair's disarray is pretty typical of my physical upkeep in general, especially these last few months. I need to throw on a new coat of paint and pair it with a new attitude for a complete makeover.

I don't plan to walk out of the salon a changed person. I do expect to walk out looking good. ;)

Yours in (mental) health, Kate

In a circle

I am circling myself with negative talk and cookies. I have let my passing depression about a number of issues put me in a tail spin. Yesterday's diagnosis of my knee and confirmation of something being wrong - well, it was about all I could take.

I have this endless urge to cry and bury myself in chocolate today. It has made me tired and impatient. I do not like being either one.

I am leaving work now, much earlier than usual, because I have to reset or I don't know what. I saw that WebGal had the same bad mojo rockin' yesterday and I feel for her.

Life has put me here, but I am the one who dug the hole so deeply. Now I have to build a ladder to get out - one step at a time.

Yours in (lack of mental) health, Kate

Happy

As has been made abundantly clear on this blog - I struggle like everyone else. There are days when I am down, I have no energy, I talked smack to myself, I want more and don't know how to get it or I am just in a general funk. I was talking with someone last week who is having a little trouble with the mental game and while I advised that 'we all go through that', inside I smiled - my times are fewer and fewer.

While I was overweight people told me I had such a 'pretty face' and a 'nice smile'. As I have lost weight people have said I have an 'infectious smile', I 'light a room' and I am 'unstoppable energy'. There was a period where I couldn't accept those compliments because I thought they were just saying them because I was thinner and people respond better to healthier looking people.

Then I realized I really couldn't accept what they were saying because I didn't see it. I would look in the mirror and see me, the old me - overweight, miserable, sluggish and dragging through life out of necessity, not passion. I still struggle with this sometimes. I still see the 'fat girl' when I look in the mirror. I spent the majority of my life with only one reality, so when I catch my reflection now, it is surreal to me.

However, by and large, what I see in the mirror is a happy person. Happy. That's not a word I bandied around much except with reference to holidays. Now it's often an answer I give to "how are you?" Yes, I am struggling with romance. Yes, my job has changed which is causing stress. Yes, I am once again caught in a battle between food and my self-respect. But overall, I am happy.

I've looked hard at that and know that it's not because I lost weight, it's because I know care about myself and my life in a way I never have before. While I have always been a passionate person, I am now about living my passion. I seize the moment, I love spontaneity, I try not to turn down fun - I live. And that makes me happy.

By the way, here's what a healthier, happier Kate looks like. (It's from the all new LITE 104.1 site.)

Yours in (mental) health, Kate

One = 300

I promised last week that I would give the blog a reboot and I am following through. I have reintroduced features over the past couple of days. Now today I was finally able to do something I have waited months to do. Blogger finally introduced a feature to allow me to merge my blogs.

I started one called "Losing it in Des Moines" as a way to put into words the things that went along with weight loss. I kept reading how it was a great tool to purge yourself of some of the things that make you eat crap and otherwise abuse your body. It was pretty effective.

Then when I took on the endorsement of my gym about this time last year I started a new blog - this blog. I wanted something a little more technical sounding and more professional. At first I tried to make the two work in tandem, one personal, one professional. However time and reality set in and I realized I couldn't do both. So "Get Healthy with Kate Garner" became a bit more personal and the other LIIDM became dormant.

I've just let it sit there because Blogger hadn't introduced a tool to migrate the posts. I would have to cut and paste them all. I did that with a few, but it was time consuming. Finally today I was able to do it in 2 minutes flat! That is just awesome! Thank you Blogger!

With the merger of the two blogs you will be able to see just how much has chanced in the last 18 months. (I now wish I had been blogging from the beginning to really see the pain of the first 6 months.) What you will also see, with this post, is that I am celebrating my 300th post! That's a lot of writing, kvetching, confessing and weight lifted - literally and figuratively.

Thank you to everyone who has been a loyal reader. I promise more posts and more new stuff to come. It's going to be a great year three!

Yours in (mental) health, Kate

PS - Since I mentioned the number 300, what would this post be without another example of Gerard Butler's fine abs from that film? Yep, pointless.

Gratitude in Your Attitude

I have had a rough 11 days. I was told a week ago last Monday that I was being repurposed. That's what I am calling it because, even though it happens every day in radio, I am not being fired. Instead they are letting me keep my news/ public affairs duties and I will be repurposed into helping in other ways.

Now, I already do a number of other things, but what I am hoping this will accomplish is giving my over all job clarification. Just to be clear, I am not mad. I have known from the word go that I was in a forced situation. Sometimes things just don't work out and that's o.k. I am thrilled to be able to keep the news.

But as you can see, I do not have a specific direction just yet. That is causing me some major stress issues. Those in turn are causing my eating to falter. (O.k., I know that's an excuse.) And it's causing my sleep to dissipate. (That's a fact.) I hope to have some answers soon, but I am just trying to muddle through in the mean time.

In all of this I had to remind myself this morning to be grateful. Simply acknowledging that there are good things at work in your life, even when things seem to be falling a part is important. People have been asking me constantly how I feel about this. This morning I concluded - grateful. I am grateful I am still employed, I have benefits, I have bosses that believe in me enough to repurpose me, I get to keep eating and have a roof over my head.

I am grateful for good friends who have been there for me via text, e-mail, phone and in person. I am grateful for the chance to reflect on what is important. I am grateful to be alive.

So, no matter how bad something seems, like eating that third piece of birthday cake or skipping your third day of workouts - it could be worse. Be grateful for the successes and learn from the failures. Remember, to be cliche, there is no success without attempt and rarely is the first one successful.

Your in (mental) health, Kate

Patience

"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams

"Patience and fortitude conquer all things." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Endurance is patience concentrated." - Thomas Carlyle

Patience is something that we forget when we are on a journey, any journey. Certainly one that betters our health. We want results now, to wear that dress tomorrow, to not be sore the next morning, to not anguish over every cookie.

But I swear, patience with yourself, with others around you and with the process itself will be a reward. The weight-loss, increased muscle or piece of mind will simply be a bonus.

And if all else fails remember this (which undoubtedly first appeared on a Hallmark card):

"Please be patient, God's not done with me yet."

Yours in (mental) health, Kate