First, how do you like the new look of the blog? I am gleeful! Blogger has introduced a new tool to help create templates that are beautiful, not generic, I love it. The new look is a much better reflection of what "Get Healthy with Kate Garner" is all about. And now on to just that...
Friday, as I mentioned, I took the day off. I slept in, I ate a late breakfast, I did some housework, I took a nap, I did even more housework, I had a friend over for drinks, I went to dinner with my brother and I landed back at home to relax. It was a busy, except for the naps, fruitful day. I kept my food relatively under control and only had one drink with my friend.
My workout on Friday was a combination of housework, stair climbing and lifting weights. I was surprised by how trying to move quickly throughout the house actually kept my heart rate up. By the time I hit the shower for my friend's visit I was sweaty, tired and satisfied I had worked out.
Saturday I woke up with a migraine as the storm rolled in. I was convinced the lights flashing were in my head until I was finally able to focus on the distant clouds, LOL. So, I dropped four ibuprofen and snuggled back in the sheets. When I woke up three hours later the headache was all but gone, thankfully. Then I did a healthy breakfast, worked out with weights and dancing, went to work, ran an errand, got my hair trimmed and went to see the A-Team with my dad. It was a fun popcorn movie, so that's what I ate - it also acted as my lunch. Not a great choice, but I didn't add M&M's, so that must count for something. :)
Then I checked my e-mail via phone and my day went off the rails. I got an e-mail from a friend telling me that someone I once cared for deeply was getting married. She even included a link to their wedding planning site - I am not a complete masochist, so I didn't look. But the very idea hit me hard anyway. I mean, I haven't seem him in almost two years. I knew he would end up marrying this woman. I don't have overt feelings for him anymore and yet, there was that pang.
I know there were a couple of factors at play - 1. 'There goes another person getting married before me' and 2. The standing self-worth issue of 'why am I alone'. Rather than suffer with the memories and pain they brought up, I ate. That's what emotional eaters do. Rather than feel the pain or anger or frustration, we eat. I went straight to a favorite barbecue joint, got my favorite sandwich, sweet potato fries and went home to stuff it down.
I made myself sick. I never eat that much in one sitting anymore and I knew I was going to feel like I needed to puke when I got done. So, I stuffed it down faster than my body could register the load. A few minutes after I finished, my body bloated and I was miserable. Not only physically miserable, but emotionally miserable. I was angry with myself for once again letting someone else's actions make me self-destructive. Rather than go for a walk or play another game of my favorite food distraction (Bejeweled) I fell back to my old friend food. It was pathetic.
And there it is, the last of beating myself up for faltering with food and emotions. I have to let this incident go. If I continue to harp on myself or drag this out, it will only cause more binging. My self-flagellation will only encourage me to get depressed and thereby eat ice cream to assuage those feelings - the circle would just keep spinning.
Instead, it's Sunday and I begin again with more knowledge about myself than I had yesterday and that is what I need most. I need to recognize the problem, deal with it and move forward, not look back. So, today I have had my oatmeal and coffee and now I am craving a salad for lunch. I think it's my body asking for a detente, I will oblige. In fact, the remainder of the day only holds healthy options as I work my way to a funeral and then on to doing laundry and then to a new week.
Yours in Health,
Kate
Showing posts with label men. Show all posts
Showing posts with label men. Show all posts
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Oh, the Drama! The Moral of the Story is Hot Men.
None really going on, but somehow I am feeling pretty dramatic. So tonight, I created a list on MySpace music called "Drama Songs". It's all guys who specialize in deep thoughtful singing, standards and power ballads. It just feels right.
I guess I am feeling melodic and melancholy at the same time. I am looking for that intense feeling that only a drama song can bring. O.k., maybe I am just toying with the idea of dating again. ;)
The warmth, the depth, the intensity - yep, oddly I think I just nailed it. And I didn't even have to pay Lucy a nickel.
A couple of things about this post:
1. I didn't really start out to write about hot men.
I guess I am feeling melodic and melancholy at the same time. I am looking for that intense feeling that only a drama song can bring. O.k., maybe I am just toying with the idea of dating again. ;)
The warmth, the depth, the intensity - yep, oddly I think I just nailed it. And I didn't even have to pay Lucy a nickel.
But who? Quick list (top of my head of course) - Gerard Butler, Jon Bon Jovi, Hugh Jackman, George Clooney, Russell Crowe, Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Viggo Mortensen, Zachary Levi, Denzel Washington, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Josh Holloway, Will Smith, Clive Owen, Ryan Reynolds, Eric Bana, Chris Pine, Michael Buble and Chris Bruno. The list isn't complete, but should launch a thousand knowing smiles.
A couple of things about this post:
1. I didn't really start out to write about hot men.
2. What does this have to do with being healthy? Sex is good for you! People who have more sex, live longer - I swear, it's a scientific fact, Google it.
3. Apologies to the wives of the married men above, but this is a fantasy. I am not some over-tattooed tart stealing Jesse James from America's Sweetheart Sandra Bullock! (P.S. - also good for health - venting, helps relieve stress)
4. To the single men on this list, please feel free to leave a message, I will be happy to respond. :) Since there are only about 7 of you (I think, I don't really read the tabloids so I could be behind), I believe this server can handle the traffic.
Well, I feel much better actually. Melancholy gone, over course it was overrun by lust, but hey, whatever it takes. Sweet dreams! I know I will have them. ;)
Yours in health,
Kate
P.P.S. - Here are pictures of the above named, couldn't help myself. Tee-hee.
BTW - I held back and only posted them clothed. Though I must say it was harder to find pictures that way.
You're welcome!
Saturday, January 23, 2010
I Miss my Red Jacket
I watched a guy running down the street this morning in 35 degree weather and felt a pang of jealousy. I miss running. I never thought I would say that, in fact when I started running I hated it. It was hard, I couldn't breathe after a block and I would sweat like I was in a sauna.
Over time I embraced it because it was working. Very little scorches calories like a run. Five or six days a week I would tie my shoes, put on my head phones and scoot out the door. A good walk to warm up and then go. Most days it was just three or so miles, but I was up to running 6 or 7 miles on my long days before the doctor told me to stop.
Running not only slimmed me down, but it freed me. When you are concentrating on breathing and watching out for pot holes, it is terribly hard to worry about work or a relationship that is wonky. Instead you become freer and when the endorphins kick in, you fly. By the end you are drenched in sweat, breathing heavily and have a smile on your face.
On Saturdays I would get up extra early, run to get to work, do what I needed to do and then run to the Downtown Farmers Market and meet Lori and then run home. It was cool most mornings, so I would wear my red jacket.
My red jacket was the first thing I ever bought in a size large. It was fitted and slimming with white piping and when I would sweat, it would wick the water away. It protected me from light rain and too much sun and was a constant companion one I bought it. I had splurged and spent $30, it was a great investment. Not only was it a tool for exercise, but it fed my sorely lacking self-esteem - I was wearing a size large!
The red jacket went missing in the fall of 2008. It has become a symbol of everything that slowly fell apart that fall - knee injury, lung infection, cancer scare, weight gain. The jacket was so important to me that when a guy I was dating finally called after three weeks of being MIA to break off our relationship and asked me if I wanted any of my stuff back, I only asked if he had my jacket. He wasn't important, but the jacket and all it meant to me was.
I still get upset thinking about the red jacket. It almost hurts sometimes. Mainly because it symbolizes so much - a time when I put myself first, when I cared about me - and now, like the jacket, that has been lost and I am having trouble finding it again.
I need a new red jacket - a new way to put me first. I am hoping blogging again and writing for Intuition will help me find it.
Yours in health,
Kate
Over time I embraced it because it was working. Very little scorches calories like a run. Five or six days a week I would tie my shoes, put on my head phones and scoot out the door. A good walk to warm up and then go. Most days it was just three or so miles, but I was up to running 6 or 7 miles on my long days before the doctor told me to stop.
Running not only slimmed me down, but it freed me. When you are concentrating on breathing and watching out for pot holes, it is terribly hard to worry about work or a relationship that is wonky. Instead you become freer and when the endorphins kick in, you fly. By the end you are drenched in sweat, breathing heavily and have a smile on your face.
On Saturdays I would get up extra early, run to get to work, do what I needed to do and then run to the Downtown Farmers Market and meet Lori and then run home. It was cool most mornings, so I would wear my red jacket.
My red jacket was the first thing I ever bought in a size large. It was fitted and slimming with white piping and when I would sweat, it would wick the water away. It protected me from light rain and too much sun and was a constant companion one I bought it. I had splurged and spent $30, it was a great investment. Not only was it a tool for exercise, but it fed my sorely lacking self-esteem - I was wearing a size large!
The red jacket went missing in the fall of 2008. It has become a symbol of everything that slowly fell apart that fall - knee injury, lung infection, cancer scare, weight gain. The jacket was so important to me that when a guy I was dating finally called after three weeks of being MIA to break off our relationship and asked me if I wanted any of my stuff back, I only asked if he had my jacket. He wasn't important, but the jacket and all it meant to me was.
I still get upset thinking about the red jacket. It almost hurts sometimes. Mainly because it symbolizes so much - a time when I put myself first, when I cared about me - and now, like the jacket, that has been lost and I am having trouble finding it again.
I need a new red jacket - a new way to put me first. I am hoping blogging again and writing for Intuition will help me find it.
Yours in health,
Kate
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Looking at the Bottom
Yesterday hurt a lot. Mentally, physically, emotionally. It all felt like too much.
Exhaustion, anger, depression. All effects of my life out of control.
Too much work, which I can't change because everyone is working hard - we all need our jobs.
The cracked heart that I have only just admitted I have.
The lack of a life.
My depression sneaking back in.
My health sliding.
I realized this afternoon, I don't have control over some of this. But I do have control over the last two. Gratefully I was on the treadmill when I came to this conclusion. And I had already called about a counseling appointment.
The nice thing now is that when I get near bottom I recognize it.
Yours in health, Kate
Exhaustion, anger, depression. All effects of my life out of control.
Too much work, which I can't change because everyone is working hard - we all need our jobs.
The cracked heart that I have only just admitted I have.
The lack of a life.
My depression sneaking back in.
My health sliding.
I realized this afternoon, I don't have control over some of this. But I do have control over the last two. Gratefully I was on the treadmill when I came to this conclusion. And I had already called about a counseling appointment.
The nice thing now is that when I get near bottom I recognize it.
Yours in health, Kate
Friday, November 28, 2008
Where the Hell Have I Been?
24 days. That's how long it has been since my last post.
In that time we have elected a new president, my job has changed again, I have gained more weight, my knee injury is only slightly better, I have moved into my new house and I have come to the conclusion it's time to seek help.
Well, geez. I wasn't really going to talk about that last one. But I will in a minute because apparently I need to. First - the other things.
A new president - The election sucked away my time, as expected. I ate poorly and exercised, not at all.
My job - It's complicated, as usual. I will again be making a transition because it's best for the team. I have no idea whether it's best for me or not, I've had no time or inclination to think about it.
The weight - I am attempting to eat my emotions away. One cookie, cake and sub sandwich at a time, hoping to assuage my pain, so far, it's not working for crap.
My knee - I had an MRI. There is a tear in my cartilage, but it's not where it should be causing pain. They would like to do exploratory surgery. I am giving it another couple months of therapy and then reassessing. I have this thing about knives.
My new house - That's what sapped my time after the election. I had to pack and plan and execute a move. Everything went almost exactly as planned - right up until we landed with the first truckload last Saturday and one half of the former owners was still moving out. I kind of saw it coming though and rolled with it. The way I have been feeling lately, that was kind of a little miracle. Anyway, just in the unpacking phase now. Next week is about creating a list of projects and putting together a five year plan for remodels and renovations.
My mental health - I have eluded to it here on the blog for months. Things have been falling to pieces inside my head. I am at the point where I feel like I can't deal with them alone. I will be seeking counseling next week.
I think a lot of things have lead to this point, again. And all of the reasons above, as well as my continued crap luck with men have been a catalyst. That last part pisses me off the most. That I would let anything any man might do affect my mental health or eating habits makes me angry, mostly at myself. Once more I have fallen into a spiraling pattern of pain and self-loathing.
I will NOT let this happen. It is not o.k. to be in pain. It is not o.k. to eat myself back to morbidly obese. This will get better.
The difference now is that I recognize these patterns. That means, when I do walk into a counseling session, I will be ready to be helped and that is half the battle.
Yours, getting back into the saddle, Kate
In that time we have elected a new president, my job has changed again, I have gained more weight, my knee injury is only slightly better, I have moved into my new house and I have come to the conclusion it's time to seek help.
Well, geez. I wasn't really going to talk about that last one. But I will in a minute because apparently I need to. First - the other things.
A new president - The election sucked away my time, as expected. I ate poorly and exercised, not at all.
My job - It's complicated, as usual. I will again be making a transition because it's best for the team. I have no idea whether it's best for me or not, I've had no time or inclination to think about it.
The weight - I am attempting to eat my emotions away. One cookie, cake and sub sandwich at a time, hoping to assuage my pain, so far, it's not working for crap.
My knee - I had an MRI. There is a tear in my cartilage, but it's not where it should be causing pain. They would like to do exploratory surgery. I am giving it another couple months of therapy and then reassessing. I have this thing about knives.
My new house - That's what sapped my time after the election. I had to pack and plan and execute a move. Everything went almost exactly as planned - right up until we landed with the first truckload last Saturday and one half of the former owners was still moving out. I kind of saw it coming though and rolled with it. The way I have been feeling lately, that was kind of a little miracle. Anyway, just in the unpacking phase now. Next week is about creating a list of projects and putting together a five year plan for remodels and renovations.
My mental health - I have eluded to it here on the blog for months. Things have been falling to pieces inside my head. I am at the point where I feel like I can't deal with them alone. I will be seeking counseling next week.
I think a lot of things have lead to this point, again. And all of the reasons above, as well as my continued crap luck with men have been a catalyst. That last part pisses me off the most. That I would let anything any man might do affect my mental health or eating habits makes me angry, mostly at myself. Once more I have fallen into a spiraling pattern of pain and self-loathing.
I will NOT let this happen. It is not o.k. to be in pain. It is not o.k. to eat myself back to morbidly obese. This will get better.
The difference now is that I recognize these patterns. That means, when I do walk into a counseling session, I will be ready to be helped and that is half the battle.
Yours, getting back into the saddle, Kate
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Sunday Inspiration - Reading
I have blogged endlessly recently about my eating issues, my weight gain, my tiredness and my feeling of being completely lost. Just now I slid over to Women's Health Magazine looking for a "Sunday Inspiration" column and I finally found answers to what has been beating me up.
I try to learn something new daily - one thing about the world and one thing about health and fitness. This article is about stress and how it can effect your weight. I have not only learned something new, but I have had a complete break-through, I have figured out why I have gained so much weight.
I was just thinking yesterday, "What is it that's been grinding away on me over the summer?" I started to wander toward being in a so-so relationship with a man and wondered if my pre-existing issues with the male sex had been the catalyst. Was I so scared of taking one on the chin with men again that I began making myself fat by overeating? I thought about it hard. The very idea pissed me off. Could I have really been that weak? The fact that it angered me made me think it was something else, but men might have played a smaller role.
Then I started looking at the timeline. All of this food crap started as my stress levels rose. As I tried to maintain dating and family and home and work. And there it was - work.
Early this summer, just weeks after dealing with the stress of working 20-22 hour days covering the floods, I was socked with bad news - my role was changing. At that time they told me my position really didn't exist anymore, but they were keeping on to do part of my job because I was good at it. However, since the other part of my job was being given away, I had to find a way to 'justify my salary'.
I am glad to have a job, a job that pays pretty well and has health insurance and most of the time I like very much. But a summer and fall of being in limbo has work me out - mentally, physically, emotionally, intellectually - I am spent.
So, when I read this article in Women's Health, it all crystallized for me. Yes, I had sabotaged my own weight loss maintenance, but so had my own body. My stress has seized control. I'm stressed I eat, I don't eat I am stressed, I gain weight I stress and the circle is endless - until now. Now that I have a much better idea of what the hormone cortisol is and what it is doing to my body - I have a much better chance of fighting back and that is inspiring.
Yours in health, Kate
I try to learn something new daily - one thing about the world and one thing about health and fitness. This article is about stress and how it can effect your weight. I have not only learned something new, but I have had a complete break-through, I have figured out why I have gained so much weight.
I was just thinking yesterday, "What is it that's been grinding away on me over the summer?" I started to wander toward being in a so-so relationship with a man and wondered if my pre-existing issues with the male sex had been the catalyst. Was I so scared of taking one on the chin with men again that I began making myself fat by overeating? I thought about it hard. The very idea pissed me off. Could I have really been that weak? The fact that it angered me made me think it was something else, but men might have played a smaller role.
Then I started looking at the timeline. All of this food crap started as my stress levels rose. As I tried to maintain dating and family and home and work. And there it was - work.
Early this summer, just weeks after dealing with the stress of working 20-22 hour days covering the floods, I was socked with bad news - my role was changing. At that time they told me my position really didn't exist anymore, but they were keeping on to do part of my job because I was good at it. However, since the other part of my job was being given away, I had to find a way to 'justify my salary'.
I am glad to have a job, a job that pays pretty well and has health insurance and most of the time I like very much. But a summer and fall of being in limbo has work me out - mentally, physically, emotionally, intellectually - I am spent.
So, when I read this article in Women's Health, it all crystallized for me. Yes, I had sabotaged my own weight loss maintenance, but so had my own body. My stress has seized control. I'm stressed I eat, I don't eat I am stressed, I gain weight I stress and the circle is endless - until now. Now that I have a much better idea of what the hormone cortisol is and what it is doing to my body - I have a much better chance of fighting back and that is inspiring.
Yours in health, Kate
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Going Swimmingly
Sorry no post yesterday (and after I made such a big deal the day before) my friend Darryl called and I got swept away to lunch. He's in town from Portland for a wedding, so when he put aside a couple of hours for me at the last minute, I had to jump. We had a nice time, I love talking to him because I don't have to hide the fact that I am smart.
He's one of those men that actually finds intellect attractive. In fact I have been looking around at the men in my life and, for the most part, the ones I have chosen to spend the most time with in the six months or so are all that way. Apparently I finally started heeding my own advice about being respected and appreciated for something beyond my breast size. Huh.
Anyway, the real post today is not men but fish. Or at least my attempt to become more fish-like. I had my sixth swim lesson yesterday and coach Kelli was proud of me. I have progressed well and have learned the basics of six strokes. I can also actually swim with my head in the water. She is happy enough that my last two lessons (before she goes off to pharmacist school in Colorado) will be about diving and perfecting my strokes.
Yesterday I swam laps before she came in, practicing and practicing. I especially struggle with the breast stroke - I always want to move my arms and legs at the same time. But I will keep working away at it. My goal is still to get good enough to do a mini-triathlon next summer.
The plan is, over the fall/winter, I will practice my swimming, biking, running combo in the gym. Then they have an 'in gym' triathlon in March, I will give that a try to test my readiness. Because frankly, if I can't swim by myself in a pool for time, there's no way I will survive real wake and other flailing arms. After that indoor undertaking I will seek out another swim coach to shore up my strokes and help me with speed ideas.
Hopefully all of this will culminate in my surviving or, err, rather finishing a triathlon. At that point I will know whether this is something I want to pursue or if it was just another fitness challenge that needed to be met along my journey to health.
Yours in fitness, Kate
He's one of those men that actually finds intellect attractive. In fact I have been looking around at the men in my life and, for the most part, the ones I have chosen to spend the most time with in the six months or so are all that way. Apparently I finally started heeding my own advice about being respected and appreciated for something beyond my breast size. Huh.
Anyway, the real post today is not men but fish. Or at least my attempt to become more fish-like. I had my sixth swim lesson yesterday and coach Kelli was proud of me. I have progressed well and have learned the basics of six strokes. I can also actually swim with my head in the water. She is happy enough that my last two lessons (before she goes off to pharmacist school in Colorado) will be about diving and perfecting my strokes.
Yesterday I swam laps before she came in, practicing and practicing. I especially struggle with the breast stroke - I always want to move my arms and legs at the same time. But I will keep working away at it. My goal is still to get good enough to do a mini-triathlon next summer.
The plan is, over the fall/winter, I will practice my swimming, biking, running combo in the gym. Then they have an 'in gym' triathlon in March, I will give that a try to test my readiness. Because frankly, if I can't swim by myself in a pool for time, there's no way I will survive real wake and other flailing arms. After that indoor undertaking I will seek out another swim coach to shore up my strokes and help me with speed ideas.
Hopefully all of this will culminate in my surviving or, err, rather finishing a triathlon. At that point I will know whether this is something I want to pursue or if it was just another fitness challenge that needed to be met along my journey to health.
Yours in fitness, Kate
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Bad Men, Good Men
With all the changes of the last year, I am in a strange place in my life right now where I am calling into question even my most closely held concepts. The biggest one I am facing down at the moment is my view of myself. And since I cover that frequently here, I will instead look at the one that has me nearly as distracted lately; my thinking when it comes to men.
As any adult female, I have put myself out in the fray many times with males. Romantically, professionally and in friendship. I spent my teens and early twenties wandering about naively thinking that no one lied and men wanted what they said; despite numerous experiences that told me differently. (That's the naive part.)
The Bad:
Ten years ago three men stepped into my life. One romantic - Charmer; one professional - Martini; one friend - Ambition. (The names for all men in this post, good or bad, will be changed to protect the innocent and the not so much so.)
Ambition - I had a crush on Ambition, it turned into a raucous friendship and then one day he simply disappeared from my life. I know where he is, but he doesn't care where I am. We didn't have a falling out, he simply decided not to come around anymore.
Martini - We were both at a crossroads when we met. He wanted bigger and better, I wanted anything but what I had. I helped him make his goal a reality and he changed my reality. I was loyal to the very end when, in using bad advice, he decided to cut me out of the circle I had helped create. When I see him now, he tries to be kind. I can only hope, for his sake, that's because he realizes now what a mistake he made.
Charmer - I frequently try to give a short story when it comes to this guy, but honestly he's a long story. But for your sanity, here's a quickie: I met a young, impassioned and driven guy, I fell hard and fast. He had feelings for me as well, but couldn't get past my weight. Rather than wake-up and see how shallow that was, I tried and tried again to win him into a proper relationship. As my depression (which I have mentioned before) grew deeper regarding both this failing situation and life in general; I became shrew and bitter. The whole thing ended in one ridiculous blow-out after another. Despite the time that has passed he weighs heavy on my mind when I am considering any romantic entanglement.
The ensuing years... I have had a few good guy friends, no romantic links of any importance and I have been brutally guarded with everyone of the male species. The only men I have trusted in my life are family.
The Good:
This last year has changed so many things from my pant size to my willingness to take a chance and open up. I have been letting people closer to me again, not just men, everyone. But it's the men that have me everything from intrigued to lost right now, hence the blog.
Caelen - Well, you already know his name. He is innocent and bright and gives me great hope for the future. Every time I think I can't love, I look at him and my heart swells to prove me wrong.
Boss - Best boss I have ever had. He's smart, kind and actually cares. Not just professionally, though he has mentored me greatly and encourages me at every turn, but personally. If things are rough, he wants to help. He is a gift.
Afternoon - Our friendship has been slow growing and it gets better all of the time. He and I both have laundry to air, but never fear telling the truth. It's refreshing.
The old BGF - My best guy friend from high school and I have reconnected and he's just as great as I remember. Maybe even better because he, like me, is clearer on who he is; that makes everyone better.
College - I haven't known him that long, but he's wise beyond his age. He's quickly become a friend and sounding board. If he were ten years older, he would be quite dateable. ;)
Walking club guys - My walking club only has two regular members - two guys. I didn't see that coming. But these two men have become great friends. We are able to spend thirty minutes, two days a week, venting about work or life; it's nice.
Renaissance - We met because I was nosey and then met again by coincidence the next day. We've struck up a nice friendship. He is smart, funny, talented, sweet and has a killer smile. Life can be a nice surprise.
The other guys - there are a number of other guys at work or regular friends who have been great as well, but these are the highlights. And of course the men in my family are wonderfully supportive.
I have read back over this now and I believe I have made the point I thought I would. The quality of men in my life has improved. Not because I have lost weight, but because I have improved. My sense of other people in general has improved.
I used to frequently utter the phrase, "I hate men". I know now that wasn't accurate, I love men, always have. I just didn't like what I allowed them to do to me. That won't happen again because, I like me too much.
Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 163 pounds
As any adult female, I have put myself out in the fray many times with males. Romantically, professionally and in friendship. I spent my teens and early twenties wandering about naively thinking that no one lied and men wanted what they said; despite numerous experiences that told me differently. (That's the naive part.)
The Bad:
Ten years ago three men stepped into my life. One romantic - Charmer; one professional - Martini; one friend - Ambition. (The names for all men in this post, good or bad, will be changed to protect the innocent and the not so much so.)
Ambition - I had a crush on Ambition, it turned into a raucous friendship and then one day he simply disappeared from my life. I know where he is, but he doesn't care where I am. We didn't have a falling out, he simply decided not to come around anymore.
Martini - We were both at a crossroads when we met. He wanted bigger and better, I wanted anything but what I had. I helped him make his goal a reality and he changed my reality. I was loyal to the very end when, in using bad advice, he decided to cut me out of the circle I had helped create. When I see him now, he tries to be kind. I can only hope, for his sake, that's because he realizes now what a mistake he made.
Charmer - I frequently try to give a short story when it comes to this guy, but honestly he's a long story. But for your sanity, here's a quickie: I met a young, impassioned and driven guy, I fell hard and fast. He had feelings for me as well, but couldn't get past my weight. Rather than wake-up and see how shallow that was, I tried and tried again to win him into a proper relationship. As my depression (which I have mentioned before) grew deeper regarding both this failing situation and life in general; I became shrew and bitter. The whole thing ended in one ridiculous blow-out after another. Despite the time that has passed he weighs heavy on my mind when I am considering any romantic entanglement.
The ensuing years... I have had a few good guy friends, no romantic links of any importance and I have been brutally guarded with everyone of the male species. The only men I have trusted in my life are family.
The Good:
This last year has changed so many things from my pant size to my willingness to take a chance and open up. I have been letting people closer to me again, not just men, everyone. But it's the men that have me everything from intrigued to lost right now, hence the blog.
Caelen - Well, you already know his name. He is innocent and bright and gives me great hope for the future. Every time I think I can't love, I look at him and my heart swells to prove me wrong.
Boss - Best boss I have ever had. He's smart, kind and actually cares. Not just professionally, though he has mentored me greatly and encourages me at every turn, but personally. If things are rough, he wants to help. He is a gift.
Afternoon - Our friendship has been slow growing and it gets better all of the time. He and I both have laundry to air, but never fear telling the truth. It's refreshing.
The old BGF - My best guy friend from high school and I have reconnected and he's just as great as I remember. Maybe even better because he, like me, is clearer on who he is; that makes everyone better.
College - I haven't known him that long, but he's wise beyond his age. He's quickly become a friend and sounding board. If he were ten years older, he would be quite dateable. ;)
Walking club guys - My walking club only has two regular members - two guys. I didn't see that coming. But these two men have become great friends. We are able to spend thirty minutes, two days a week, venting about work or life; it's nice.
Renaissance - We met because I was nosey and then met again by coincidence the next day. We've struck up a nice friendship. He is smart, funny, talented, sweet and has a killer smile. Life can be a nice surprise.
The other guys - there are a number of other guys at work or regular friends who have been great as well, but these are the highlights. And of course the men in my family are wonderfully supportive.
I have read back over this now and I believe I have made the point I thought I would. The quality of men in my life has improved. Not because I have lost weight, but because I have improved. My sense of other people in general has improved.
I used to frequently utter the phrase, "I hate men". I know now that wasn't accurate, I love men, always have. I just didn't like what I allowed them to do to me. That won't happen again because, I like me too much.
Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 163 pounds
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