As I have mentioned, people always ply me for my reasons I lost weight. I always say there were many things that just piled up like the pounds and finally I made the changes. One of the biggest things that came to bare, in fact, the most important one, was my nephew Caelen.
What I am about to say I have never told anyone...
When Caelen was born nearly five years ago I was instantly in love. He was this perfect person with all of the potential in the world and I wanted to be a part of that. I didn't know how the next several years would unfold and that I would get that chance - I just saw that the opportunity was there.
But what I also saw was the embodiment of my failings.
I was celebrating my 32nd birthday. I had fully expected that I have would have kids by then. I am the oldest and the only daughter - by rights I am supposed to have kids first, I had not.
I had to look no further than the mirror for all of the truths of why. Yes, there was the weight. But there was the distaste I had for myself that made me unattractive to anyone. I was shut-off emotionally from family and friends, never mind romance. I was wrapped in my cocoon of fat.
When I look back I realize I was more afraid of losing weight and being attractive than I was of dying from obesity. I didn't want a man. I had and have, spent my whole life around sick and failed relationships. I still struggle with the concept that love and coupledom can work. Though today, substantially stronger than any other point in my life, I am at least willing to take the bumps and bruises that come with trying.
Caelen has made all of this possible. As he grew I slowly came to see I was setting an example. He loved me, he wanted to emulate me and I was being an ass by using the , "do as I say, not as I do" crap with him. No really kid, you eat the blueberries, I'll be over here gorging on Oreos. No really kid, go over and get your toy, I can't get my fat butt off the floor to do it without getting dizzy.
Caelen was about 18 months old and moving like a shot when the evidence began mounting that a fat auntie wasn't going to work in his world. He was simply too active, eager and hopeful to be held back by me. It would still take me a little over a year to decide to do something about it.
That first day, July 18, 2006, as I vowed to actually change this time - I stood watching Caelen sleep on my bed. He had outrun me that day. It wasn't in a dangerous situation, but it easily could have been. At that point we were going more and more places. He was having fun and learning.
And I could see him quietly watching me. I knew that the question would come some day, in fact I was shocked it took as long as it did. But about 3 months into my weight loss he said, "Auntie, why are you so fat?" By that time he was 3 years old. There was no malicious intent, he truly wanted to know. Thank god I had made the change and it was working or it might have hurt. But by that time, I, for the first time in my life, was being totally honest inside and out. No more crapola, I told him the truth.
"Baby, you're right, I am fat. I have eaten too much for a long time. And the food I have eaten hasn't been good for me. Now I am eating things that are good for me, like fruits and vegetables and I am going to lose weight and feel better." Probably more than he wanted to know, but I have never tried to keep things from him, I wasn't starting now.
Since then we have had frequent discussions about nutrition. How sugar is for special occasions and how important making the right food choices is. He remembers everything you tell him, so I try to stay away from finds in the latest research. That way, if something changes, I don't have to read him the report explaining why. :)
So, Caelen was one of my original inspirations. I wanted to be able to outrun him. I wanted to be able to get off the floor. I wanted to be able to ride horses with him. I wanted no limits on what he and I could explore. I don't ever want to have to turn back from something he should be a part of because of my short falls. I want his world to always be what it has been from the beginning - full of potential.
Friday, we are going horseback riding and swimming and quite possibly on a butterfly hike on Saturday. Thank you Caelen, I love you.
Yours in health, Kate
Showing posts with label anniversary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anniversary. Show all posts
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
Year Three
I have spent much of the weekend thinking about what the third year of my lifelong journey to health will look like. Some overriding themes have floated to the top:
- I will diversify: Trying new workouts, sports and exercise routines will continue to keep my boredom at bay.
- I will eat less, but with more nutrition: I need to re-simplify my food, dive even deeper into whole foods and learn more about eating healthy.
- I will consider how to tell my story: In the last two years I have been asked about my journey, blogged about my journey and asked to speak about my journey. Now I am being encouraged to write a book and do more speaking about my journey. I question the validity of the idea, but as I have always wanted to write a book, perhaps there is a way to tell the story without ever claiming to be an expert - because I am not.
- I will make more time: While I cannot actually conjure seconds or minutes, I can do a better job of managing them. I need to prioritize and decided what is really important to me and then DO it.
- I will increase my health: Whether through better eating, more exercise, additional sleep or mental downtime, I will be a healthier person on July 18, 2009 than I am today.
So, here's to my plan, vague as it looks it is a direction and to some extent a mantra - Get Healthy.
Yours in health, Kate
- I will diversify: Trying new workouts, sports and exercise routines will continue to keep my boredom at bay.
- I will eat less, but with more nutrition: I need to re-simplify my food, dive even deeper into whole foods and learn more about eating healthy.
- I will consider how to tell my story: In the last two years I have been asked about my journey, blogged about my journey and asked to speak about my journey. Now I am being encouraged to write a book and do more speaking about my journey. I question the validity of the idea, but as I have always wanted to write a book, perhaps there is a way to tell the story without ever claiming to be an expert - because I am not.
- I will make more time: While I cannot actually conjure seconds or minutes, I can do a better job of managing them. I need to prioritize and decided what is really important to me and then DO it.
- I will increase my health: Whether through better eating, more exercise, additional sleep or mental downtime, I will be a healthier person on July 18, 2009 than I am today.
So, here's to my plan, vague as it looks it is a direction and to some extent a mantra - Get Healthy.
Yours in health, Kate
Saturday, July 19, 2008
I Am 2 Years Old Today
July 18, 2006 - people ask me, 'Why that day?' The simple answer is - I don't know.
It was a Tuesday. It was cloudy. It was hot. I stepped on the scale and it said 260. I sighed and simply stated, "I guess I better do something about that." That's it. No big sweeping declarations, no plan, no event I 'had' to lose weight for - it was just time.
Now two years later I am floored that I have made it this far. I wander between 102 and 110 pounds lost depending on how well I eat, if it's my 'girl time', if I looked at cake wrong... It's a constant battle and struggle.
At first, like many people I thought I would get to a point where I would be 'done'. I quickly realized you are never done. It's not a diet or exercise program, it's a lifestyle - it's forever.
I have never felt better physically and mentally than I do today. Sometimes I still do not recognize myself when I catch my reflection. And the woman I am now is happy and confident. Not because I am thinner, but because I love myself in a way I never have before.
So it has come and gone, my celebration of turning two is over. Monday I will talk about what the next year will hold as I work my way toward three. :)
Yours in health, Kate
It was a Tuesday. It was cloudy. It was hot. I stepped on the scale and it said 260. I sighed and simply stated, "I guess I better do something about that." That's it. No big sweeping declarations, no plan, no event I 'had' to lose weight for - it was just time.
Now two years later I am floored that I have made it this far. I wander between 102 and 110 pounds lost depending on how well I eat, if it's my 'girl time', if I looked at cake wrong... It's a constant battle and struggle.
At first, like many people I thought I would get to a point where I would be 'done'. I quickly realized you are never done. It's not a diet or exercise program, it's a lifestyle - it's forever.
I have never felt better physically and mentally than I do today. Sometimes I still do not recognize myself when I catch my reflection. And the woman I am now is happy and confident. Not because I am thinner, but because I love myself in a way I never have before.
So it has come and gone, my celebration of turning two is over. Monday I will talk about what the next year will hold as I work my way toward three. :)
Yours in health, Kate
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Attitude
I spent years not liking me, not respecting me, not doing for me.
Two years ago I began to change that. Until you believe that you are worth it, the exercise, the eating right, the ignoring the chocolate cake will seem like a chore. As long as it is a chore and not a pleasure, you can easily shove it aside for later.
I spent 20 years shoving my life aside. Twenty years inside a cocoon gestating my life and sure someone would come along and 'make it better'. Then I came to the conclusion we all do when it's really time to make a change - no one can do this but me.
That was the beginning of the change in attitude. Today I respect my self more than the donut. Because of that I can fight the daily battle to Get Healthy.
Yours in health, Kate
Two years ago I began to change that. Until you believe that you are worth it, the exercise, the eating right, the ignoring the chocolate cake will seem like a chore. As long as it is a chore and not a pleasure, you can easily shove it aside for later.
I spent 20 years shoving my life aside. Twenty years inside a cocoon gestating my life and sure someone would come along and 'make it better'. Then I came to the conclusion we all do when it's really time to make a change - no one can do this but me.
That was the beginning of the change in attitude. Today I respect my self more than the donut. Because of that I can fight the daily battle to Get Healthy.
Yours in health, Kate
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
I have seen the enemy...
"It is a man's own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways." - Buddha
That quote is pure truth. I have long thought of FOOD as my enemy. Every calorie, every fat gram, every microbe of sugar - out to get me. So tempting, so tasty, so indulgent... It's colors, smells, the way it enlightens my senses, makes me 'feel better' when I am down - all the while making me unhealthy and fat.
It must fall under 'keep your friends close, but your enemies closer' right? That would certainly explain my thighs!
No, the food is not my enemy. I have seen the enemy and it is me.
Food doesn't jump in my mouth. It doesn't cook itself. It doesn't actually say alluring things, no matter what I think I hear from that chocolate chip cookie. Nope, there's only one person who bombards me with bad food choices and that's me.
Two years in I still struggle daily with that, with making food my friend.
It's one of the hardest lessons to learn for a food addict, especially a sugar addict. Food is supposed to be - a sustainer of life; that which helps me grow muscle and strong bones; the giver of vitamins and minerals to maintain the basics and be ready for the emergencies. Food is the key to life.
For that life to be successful, you have to learn to choose the right food - vegetables, fruit, lean protein, whole grains, low-fat dairy. My favorites - cookies, cakes, ice cream, doughnuts, add nausea (and more sugar) are supposed to be exclamation points on life. We use them rarely and only when we really want to make a point. If we all walked around every day talking "LIKE THIS!!!" people would get awfully pissy. Guess what? Same thing happens with your body.
But with your body, at first, it shows its annoyance regarding copious amounts of sugar and fat, quietly, like a good friend who is trying not to point out that you are making an ass of yourself. (You lose energy quickly, your stomach hurts after a binge.) Over time, if you don't catch the subtlety, your body gets more pointed in its nudging. (Your pants don't fit, you get winded going up stairs.) And finally at the point where a friend might yell back, just to get your attention, your body shouts from the rafters. (Diabetes! Obesity! Heart problems!)
It took 20 years of ignoring my best friend - my body - for it to get my attention. When it did, through obesity, exhaustion, fear of something worse, I did what I needed to do. I researched, I learned, I questioned and I found out the truth I still struggle with - it's me, it's not the food.
That's hard to type even now. But having done it, having to look at it, I think I need to type it more often. I need to remind myself that the handful of M&M's isn't sacrificing itself in an assault on my body like some mercenary in a war. When I pop those little red, yellow and blue suckers in my mouth, I am both the attacker and the attackee.
And that scares me more than anything. I have seen the enemy and it is me.
Yours in health, Kate
That quote is pure truth. I have long thought of FOOD as my enemy. Every calorie, every fat gram, every microbe of sugar - out to get me. So tempting, so tasty, so indulgent... It's colors, smells, the way it enlightens my senses, makes me 'feel better' when I am down - all the while making me unhealthy and fat.
It must fall under 'keep your friends close, but your enemies closer' right? That would certainly explain my thighs!
No, the food is not my enemy. I have seen the enemy and it is me.
Food doesn't jump in my mouth. It doesn't cook itself. It doesn't actually say alluring things, no matter what I think I hear from that chocolate chip cookie. Nope, there's only one person who bombards me with bad food choices and that's me.
Two years in I still struggle daily with that, with making food my friend.
It's one of the hardest lessons to learn for a food addict, especially a sugar addict. Food is supposed to be - a sustainer of life; that which helps me grow muscle and strong bones; the giver of vitamins and minerals to maintain the basics and be ready for the emergencies. Food is the key to life.
For that life to be successful, you have to learn to choose the right food - vegetables, fruit, lean protein, whole grains, low-fat dairy. My favorites - cookies, cakes, ice cream, doughnuts, add nausea (and more sugar) are supposed to be exclamation points on life. We use them rarely and only when we really want to make a point. If we all walked around every day talking "LIKE THIS!!!" people would get awfully pissy. Guess what? Same thing happens with your body.
But with your body, at first, it shows its annoyance regarding copious amounts of sugar and fat, quietly, like a good friend who is trying not to point out that you are making an ass of yourself. (You lose energy quickly, your stomach hurts after a binge.) Over time, if you don't catch the subtlety, your body gets more pointed in its nudging. (Your pants don't fit, you get winded going up stairs.) And finally at the point where a friend might yell back, just to get your attention, your body shouts from the rafters. (Diabetes! Obesity! Heart problems!)
It took 20 years of ignoring my best friend - my body - for it to get my attention. When it did, through obesity, exhaustion, fear of something worse, I did what I needed to do. I researched, I learned, I questioned and I found out the truth I still struggle with - it's me, it's not the food.
That's hard to type even now. But having done it, having to look at it, I think I need to type it more often. I need to remind myself that the handful of M&M's isn't sacrificing itself in an assault on my body like some mercenary in a war. When I pop those little red, yellow and blue suckers in my mouth, I am both the attacker and the attackee.
And that scares me more than anything. I have seen the enemy and it is me.
Yours in health, Kate
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
The Power of Change
I only have a minute, because I am about to head to my swim lesson, but I wanted to post. And the swim lesson inspired one.
I said I would look back this week as I head toward Friday's anniversary. Today I look at the power of change, in this case, changing workouts. Here's a list of the exercise that has taken me to this point (They appear in chronological order and many were simply added on to the others):
-walking
-resistance band
-very light weights
-running
-weight training
-body weight resistance
-core
-elliptical
-bike
-stairs
-swimming
-CrossFit
That's it for now. Friday I will preview what I am placing before me in the realm of physical challenges in the next year.
But the key here is by continually changing what I am doing and forcing my body out of its comfort zone, I have been able to make ongoing progress.
Yours in fitness, Kate
I said I would look back this week as I head toward Friday's anniversary. Today I look at the power of change, in this case, changing workouts. Here's a list of the exercise that has taken me to this point (They appear in chronological order and many were simply added on to the others):
-walking
-resistance band
-very light weights
-running
-weight training
-body weight resistance
-core
-elliptical
-bike
-stairs
-swimming
-CrossFit
That's it for now. Friday I will preview what I am placing before me in the realm of physical challenges in the next year.
But the key here is by continually changing what I am doing and forcing my body out of its comfort zone, I have been able to make ongoing progress.
Yours in fitness, Kate
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
One Year
I weighed in this morning and I have lost 92 pounds in the last 365 days. I am thrilled and overwhelmed. That two pound loss this last week has pushed me down into the 160's, a place I have not been since the beginning of my senior year in high school in 1988.
I am looking forward to the next phase including continued weight loss, more working out and all of the rewards that come with those things.
I am very tired right now; after a long two days, due to work and family. So I am going to crawl into bed. But I am already looking ahead to tomorrow and planning my next workout.
Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 168 pounds
I am looking forward to the next phase including continued weight loss, more working out and all of the rewards that come with those things.
I am very tired right now; after a long two days, due to work and family. So I am going to crawl into bed. But I am already looking ahead to tomorrow and planning my next workout.
Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 168 pounds
Monday, July 16, 2007
On the verge
Wednesday is a milestone. I will have been actively attempting to lose weight for 365 days on that day.
I normally weigh in tomorrow, but have decided to put it off until Wednesday. That way I will know exactly how much I have lost, to properly celebrate my anniversary.
Honestly, I am nervous. Nervous that the scale might not have moved from last week (despite my best efforts) and nervous about the future. But the more I analyze those nerves, the more I think it's nervous excitement.
Every day I grow more excited by the possibilities that now exist for me that didn't a year ago. I am pleased that there are more to come.
I'll check in Wednesday with the results.
Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 170 pounds
I normally weigh in tomorrow, but have decided to put it off until Wednesday. That way I will know exactly how much I have lost, to properly celebrate my anniversary.
Honestly, I am nervous. Nervous that the scale might not have moved from last week (despite my best efforts) and nervous about the future. But the more I analyze those nerves, the more I think it's nervous excitement.
Every day I grow more excited by the possibilities that now exist for me that didn't a year ago. I am pleased that there are more to come.
I'll check in Wednesday with the results.
Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 170 pounds
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