Wednesday, May 2, 2007

10 Years Later

I did it!

When I weighed in yesterday morning, I had lost 2 pounds over this last week. That brings me to a total loss of 74 pounds. I am a bit stunned and frankly proud of what I have been able to do.

For the first time in a long time I am ready for more. More veggies, fruit and sweat. More walks and weights and new challenges. And despite some trepidation, I am ready to take off more weight.

Why fear? This is where I debate how honest to be, do I truly lay it on the line (in a public forum) or do I keep the truth to myself? I suppose, if I am going to be true to my mission statement, I had better be honest. So here they are, my two biggest concerns...

I don't know how to be "thin".

Men may be attracted to me again.

I know the first one could seem ridiculous to someone who has never been overweight, let alone morbidly obese as I was, but it is real to me. My weight gain started in 6th grade with my first period and the onset of undiagnosed depression. By freshman year of high school I was about five feet tall and 140 pounds, overweight. By early sophomore year I was five foot three and 195. By late sophomore year I had mono and dropped nearly 60 pounds.

I was slim and WAY too attractive to guys. I had lost everything except my genetically ample breasts. They used to sing a line from a song in "Carousel" about me, "June is busting out all over", ah, high school. My rocky relationships with guys seeking only one thing and my still unchecked depression sent my weight spiraling back up. By end of senior year I was 212 and humiliated at every turn by comments and stupidity. Wow, I have never written that down. That hurt.

So, I do not know how to be thin, I haven't been since I was a child and being thin wasn't a conscious thing, it just was.

Now, as I lose pound after pound I actually get butterflies a bit, thinking of being thin again and what it could mean. For now I am concentrating on how healthy I will be and the added shopping options. And I am trying to deal with the emotional as it comes. But it is not always easy, because not everyone understands. In fact, few people understand or at least want to admit it.

As for men finding me attractive again... In the middle of the last issue you may have noted the beginnings of this problem. When I lost weight in high school guys wouldn't keep their hands to themselves. I can name ten guys who, at parties, grabbed me and kissed me without provocation, telling me I was "hot". Then anytime I would drop 20 pounds or more in my 20's guys would play grab ass as well.

But as I weighed more men stopped thinking of me as a sexual entity and started listening to me and even respecting my opinion. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to be a piece of meat again. Admittedly there is a difference, today I would probably clock any clod that laid a paw on me without permission. (Though I really abhor violence. ;) )

Don't get me wrong, I love men and sex. (I think my last post proves that) That's just not all I am.

Hmmm... Looking back over this, I'll be even more honest, I don't know that I have ever said these things out loud to another person. So, I suppose it's appropriate that I am doing it silently except for the clacking on my keyboard. I also notice that this post doesn't just represent 10 years, it's more like 20. LOL.

Maybe this will help me resolve some of these issues once and for all.

Well, to end on a high note, I have been working out regularly again, as promised. Last night I bought a new resistance band and I am looking at which stability ball to buy. I am also considering a summer without an official gym. I think I will go it on my own.

Best always, Ms_H
Weight - 186

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