The funk was here this morning, so no need for that. Yes, that's an obscure reference to Broadway. It's also a description of my morning.
I was traveling along just fine and then, BAM! Something went wrong at work. Then I made the mistake of looking through all of the pictures on the KIOA website - I look fat and sickly/pale. It shattered the image I have created of myself in my head.
I picture a happy, healthy woman. What I saw was a badly dressed, kinda dumpy, scary looking aberration. A half formed version of the self I hoped to be. It drove me to the floor mentally.
I wanted to throw up.
I wanted to scream.
I wanted to cry.
I wanted to curl up in a ball.
I wanted to eat a giant chocolate bar.
I wanted to go home and get on the couch and not move.
I wanted to let go and hold on.
I wanted anything but what was happening in my head.
I went for a walk with Joe and Chandler, AKA - the walking club. I felt better afterward. Exercise helps. But if it hadn't been for Chandler suggesting the skywalk, I would have bagged due to the weather. I wouldn't have felt any better and chances are I would have gone home found my way to several of the suggested options above.
I will say this - I am not a vain person, but for the first time in my life my appearance matters. That is unfamiliar territory for me. I am going to have to be more careful about what I wear. I am going to have to consider the hair situation. I may even need to cave and wear make-up. None of this makes me happy.
I like to be my true self, my authentic self. I know for a fact that woman doesn't 'doll-up' for anyone. Yet, maybe I don't get to be that woman any more.
Yours in (mental) health, Kate
Here is an example from the website:
It's seriously painful to look at.